I'm suffocating

[Bubu27]

On Sat it was Ken's birthday. I thought I would be better from Sun but I still feel like I was loosing my mind. I always spend my weekends and evenings alone at home but now ( it's the bank holiday weekend here in the UK) I feel like a prisoner in my own home/ life. I have meltdowns every 5mins but not just normal meltdowns, they feel more like panick attacks. Im short of breath, have racing thoughts and nothing brings comfort. I can't concentrate on music/ tv, when I think of my nephew ( that usually brings me comfort) I burst into tears that I will never be a mother, when I think of my parents I burst into tears that one they they will be gone and I will be even more alone that I am now. I'm also phisically exhausted - I have slept for most of today and Saturday which is actually a blessing - when I sleep I am not living this. 

I'm actually concerned, I haven't felt that anxious/ down for a couple of years and now it feels like I have fallen into the deepest black hole. I'm scared and so fucking sad

[Bubu27]

And I always felt comfortable at home but now home feels like prison but when I got out I want to be back home and not see people living their happy lives. Vicious circle that I can't escape. Please help and tell me that is normal and that anxiety will go away

[trying2breathe]

Oh Bubu - you're a few years in and although I'm no expert it seems that the anxiety and sadness is extreme.  Please consider seeing a professional about how you're feeling.  I had very dark days for the first months after my DH died, and heavy grief for a couple of years.  But the extreme sadness softened over time.  It's scary to hear you post that you're in the deepest black hole and scared.  Wish I lived closer.  Please please call a therapist, let somebody know how you're feeling.  Keep us posted - we care.  

[Bubu27]

It feels extreme. I was much better, felt safe at home, was looking forward to my evening's and weekends but from Sat I am scared to be on my own and too exhausted to go out. Every hour feels like eternity. And I have nothing to look forward to. Next trip to see my sister in Spain in 3weeks, great but this is not life if I only live to survive from one trip to another. Taking long baths has been the only comfort from the day that Ken died but now I get into the bath and start crying/ feeling super anxious. And then I think, let me get out and have a cigarette to calm down but then the panic comes that I can have a smoke and then still so many hours on my own before I can go to bed and sleep. And even then I will need to wake up in the morning and live this nightmare all over again. I was thinking about going to see my doctor but don't have energy to explain how I feel and I don't want to worry my family, they think I am better.

 

[Julester3]

How about trying to trick your brain by simply changing your perspective of your home? I rearranged the furniture, changed my bed sheets, and decided the different spots I would sit in the kitchen or various other rooms so I didn’t have to stare at the empty places my husband would have been sitting or lounging around. This really helped lessening my anxiety and sad feelings. Since I changed things around, my brain was confused because it knew I was at home but I changed the arrangement of things. It was such a small thing to do and make day to day functioning a little easier. Hugs to you. 

[Bubu27]

I haven't changed anything and I can't do it. I want everything just the was its always been. This awful anxiety comes from within, not sure what has suddenly caused it. And I hope it will go away

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hi Bubu, hugs to you. I have not changed much in my home since Tom left this world either (although somehow it feels like a lot of things in our place have changed). Change in our home gives me quite a bit of anxiety, as I feel like the world is erasing him, and I don't want him erased from our home too. I am 3 years and 8 month out. For the longest time I isolated myself. I could not handle most people and just wanted to be alone at home. Strangely after the 3 1/2 year mark, I felt a shift in this feeling. All of a sudden I need people to distract me ( I somehow feel much more tolerance for people now, although they still say stupid things. And I don't feel like I can really connect to anyone.) I guess what Im saying is that I can relate to how you are feeling as I am kind of going through a similar shift in my grief. Its a strange change, but then again nothing on this grief journey is predictable. Hope that the anxiety lessens for you soon, and that there are better days ahead. 

[Bubu27]

I'm 3yrs and almost 4months and that's exactly how I have been dealing with grief. Been isolating myself and not changing anything (had our flat repainted in December but it didn't feel like a drastic change). Other then this, Ken's clothes remain as they were, his toiletries and toothbrushes, shoes, everything. That keeps me sane and even though I have been struggling since Sat, I will not alter anything. I couldn't. 

On Sat it was his birthday and apart from my mum and one close friend nobody acknowledged it. Maybe that triggered this awful anxiety

Thank you all for responding to me. I didn't want to worry my family but it's good to know that I have you around if I need x

[Wife of Tomasz]

I have all of Toms things as they where also. Toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, shoes on the shoe rack. Don't see that changing, ever.

[Love2fish]

Please take the advice of seeing your doctor.  If you don't think you can explain it to him just print this page. 

I suffered from anxiety for just a couple months and it was HELL!  Mine was caused by sleeping pills that I should not have been taking.  Do you take any prescriptions to sleep?  I also know the effects of anxiety because DW suffered severely for years.  People accused her of malingering but there was something that needed fixing.  

I wish you the best with this.

 

[Bubu27]

I don't want to see a doctor as they will surely prescribe some antidepressants and I will not take them. I was on them for 2 yrs and put on 21kgs. Lost half of it now but still feeling like an elephant and HATE it. 

I have been thinking what might have caused this anxiety and it was a long weekend here so I had 3 days of being stuck in an empty flat. I didn't see anyone, all my entertainment was to go (as I always do ) to the cemetery but on top of that I just came back from a week's long vacation in Spain. It was with my parents and my sister, my brother in law and their son. Upon my return last Tue I was already starting to feel anxious. I often visit either my parents at home or my sister in Spain so I am used to it but this time we went all together to a new place. And I think that caused the anxiety. Subconsciously I was uncomfortable - I should be holidaying with Ken , my sister has a family - something I no longer have or will have. No jealousy there but all this triggered the state I am in right now.  That is what I think. And the fact that was the long weekend with everyone enjoying their lives with their loved ones and me locked in an empty flat.

Even today as I write this I am feeling more normal - I am at work so in a familiar environment. 

 

I hope my diagnosis is right and I will slowly recover but one thing I have learnt is that I am still extremely fragile. I have known this but now I have a proof. And that scare me a little bit because I know that if anything in my life changes suddenly, I will  fall apart