The Surreal Effect

[Sillyjerkycat]

Merriam Webster: marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream...well that's the definition of the word surreal. But, it doesn't explain why my brain can't come to terms with him being gone. It's been 7 months yesterday and I still (irrationally) expect to hear his voice or see him (even in my dreams). When does this stop? I know he's left, because I was with him everyday, for two months, while his life failed before my eyes. Tell me your experience, I find it helpful to learn from other people who may have gone through this and that it is normal and how to get through. Thank you.

[Love2fish]

You are well within the bell curve SJC.  That is just how this works from my experience. This will settle down for you in the time that is right for you. 

This is my second loss. 

[Sillyjerkycat]

What is the SJC bell curve? I studied Psychology, but I don't recall this.

[Sillyjerkycat]

I'm so consumed with my own loss, I didn't know that you lost someone again. I just reread your post and I'm so very sorry. It's all awful...

Edited May 13, 2019 by Sillyjerkycat

[Wheelerswife]

This is all so difficult for our brains to wrap themselves around sometimes. It is also different from person to person and interpersonally. I watched my first husband lose function over 18+ years, and he needed 24/7 care his last 16 months. I knew that I would lose him. Yet when he died, I realized just how unprepared I was for him to be dead. That dreaded day had come. I went to the cemetery daily for the better part of a year and talked to him there, even after I met the man who became my second husband. 

 

It was was even harder to believe that my second husband died. Over 5 years later, I still talk out loud to him. I would love to hear his voice again and feel his embrace, although I no longer think he is going to pull up in front of the house after a day of work. 

 

I think sometimes that these thoughts and dreams of sorts help us to embed memories of our spouses. I’m personally grateful for anything that helps me remember my guys. 

 

7 months is still pretty early in this process.  It takes time to integrate this new reality into our minds. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Julester3]

When I got my memorial tattoo 3 months after my LH passed, the surreal feeling subsided greatly for me. I needed something to bring me into the present and remind me that his passing wasn’t a dream or imagined - that it really happened. It helped align my perspective. 

[Love2fish]

8 hours ago, Sillyjerkycat said:

What is the SJC bell curve?

SJC was just my shorthand for SillyJerkyCat.  I don't think you have your own bell curve but if we plotted one for recovery from grief I believe you would be with the majority.

[hachi]

I think I might be outside the bell curve. It will be seven years, and while I don't outwardly flinch anymore, in my head, I can't believe he isn't sitting on the deck waiting for me to arrive just in time for the sunset. I keep thinking that someday, I will just smile at the memory, instead of suppressing the gut punch I still feel.

[tybec]

Same here, Hachi.  I moved, so I live now where LH never was. But I will have a memory, hear a song, be at something with our son, and just have this moment of incredulous thought, "What happened to my life?  LH should be here. How did this happen? "  

[Sillyjerkycat]

Thank you everyone...this helps me to figure out how to get through the maze. I am a very organized person who needs know how things work for others so I can figure out my own path forward. Every time I post, you all come to help and it is invaluable. Take care my friends...

 

SJC (otherwise known as Cindy)-Silly Jerky Cat was our special name for each other, I think it came from a cartoon in the '60's, I don't know. He started it when we met.