Helping them grieve/ reprogramming

[Newtothis]

 

 

ive posted on a few other boards, but tonight I’m drawn here. My phone is shot and I can barely see my screen but I have to get it out so please excuse the typos.

 

today I felt like a terrible parent for a good hour of solid fighting amongst all of us. I couldn’t get a handle on my emotions, much less my kids’. It was really rough.

 

we all miss the good parts of their dad.  We’re all healing from the damaged parts. Our whole family dynamic was so informed by his violence, avoiding it, going through it, dealing with it.

 

for me, the struggle is regaining the respect I deserve as a mother when they saw him, in his sickness, treat me literally worse than an animal. How do you come back from that? How do you get control of a situation when for so long the other adult in the house was making it abundantly clear that you had zero control?

 

weve been toap, but we need much more.  That is supposed to say therapy. Until I find us another regular gig (we just did a grief group that was great), I’d love any suggestions. Maybe y’all didn’t go through that but you know the feeling of not being able to take the pain away from your children.

 

i took them outside and we all made peace but y’all today was really rough on a widow

 

Then trheres the guilt of staying so long. My oldest asked me today, angrily. I told him my truth, which was the way I know their dad, if I tried to take them and run, we would be running the rest of our lives, and he would never ever stop looking for them.  I thought the only way to get out with any kind of life was to get him some help. And I did. And he was working through it. We were working through it. But then he died, and now I’m still picking up these pieces. I do a lot of yoga for this trauma in my hips. It feels like I e unearthed so much, and so much is left, but I see slow progress, with me, with them.

 

i

thaks for listening

 

Edited May 16, 2019 by Newtothis
To keep rambling and see any typos I can fix

[Newtothis]

And even though you are strangers, I judge myself so I have to tell you how hard it would have been to leave. I hai was training for a profession to support my family. I’m licensed. Anonymity is not an option. My face is on websites even if my name has changed, and I believed him when he said he would hurt my other family to find me. I knew. 

 

That cocaine and alsohol and trauma fueled monster died with him. I try to keep the pure spirit, the one I see in all my children, alive.

 

its a struggle sometimes. 

 

Ok ok I think I’m done for now.  

 

I k

[Love2fish]

Dear Newtothis,  I just cannot imagine.   I can listen so when you have time again let er rip.

  My thoughts are with you.

[Julester3]

I will say this as being an only parent:  I often feel like I am inadequate all the time and that I’m not good enough. Yet, when I sat and talked with my kids, I realized it’s because I can’t accept my own limitations. I have to work on myself as much as I need to help my kids. I need to back off when it’s my issue not theirs. I have to apologize for my own shortcomings and learn to be flexible. It’s better to be brutally honest and be a team than I be a grand dictator and we are all miserable. It’s a matter of finding balance and compromise so we can all have space, our own niches of privacy, and be generally happy.

 

In another conversation with my kids, we sat and talked about pros and cons. What would it be like if it were reversed? Would dad be able to accomplish all that I did? Would he have been able to support the girls and help them through? It helped us a lot to gain perspective and to be more appreciative of what we have and what we have accomplished.

 

Respect can be found if you can have it the needed conversations with them and come to a realization together. It seems impossible but you can keep trying and solve one issue at a time. IN our house being all women sometimes we have to diffuse the tension and blame all the female hormones clashing, roll our eyes, and laugh it off. Good luck. Keep trying to talk, keep looking for therapists who can be a good fit. Hugs for you today. 

[Melissa brown]

@Newtothis I like to blab on here and know that you have support. I often too have times like that with my children. I literally feel like I have to learn to parent again. Damon handled the discipline and now that he isn't here..I have to learn to handle these situations. Not sure if it's working yet but it's a definite a work in progress. 

 

And @Julester3 you seem to always have good advice. So thank you.

[Cassie]

I constantly feel like I'm letting my kids down since my love passed away. I always referred to him as my fixer. He could get the kids under control when I couldn't. They are only 7 and 4. He also has a 12 year old from a previous relationship. I have found a fantastic therapist for myself and luckily my 7 year old was already in therapy for behavior issues. Some days all I can do is take a deep breath. So just breathe, mama. And remember, even on the bad days, you're a rockstar!