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Smear Campaign


kflex
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It has been almost 2 years since my husband died, and while 99% of the people who knew and loved him best have been absolutely supportive, loving and always here for me, there are about 4 people who absolutely hate me, including his ex-wife. It's a long story, and a real shame, but death brings out the worst in some people I guess. I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with CRAZY after death, because I am now the victim of a narcissistic smear campaign started by Justin's ex-wife.  Her rationale is lacking, but i believe that it stems from her borderline personality disorder and narcissism; she could never stomach the fact that her children love me and my kids and want to spend time with us. She is also insanely jealous that I am now in relationship with Justin's best friend (all of our families, all of our children, Justin's children and family, all of our friends are VERY SUPPORTIVE of this, by the way). But she is the mom and she makes the rules, I have no legal say in the kids' lives and so after almost 2 years of trying a schedule out with her in order to keep the kids together, I had to be the bigger person and put a stop to it all. Her behavior and inability to let her children love and spend time with me was scarring her kids, and I could no longer stomach it.  It was clear that it was damaging HER children who would fight her all week to get to our home and then have to deal with constant stress while with us, and it wasn't healthy for them and their healing and mourning. My three children were also on this emotional rollercoaster and it was breaking my heart all over again. Other than losing my husband, making the decision to let my stepchildren go, who I love as I love my bio kids, is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

 

The ex continues to use her children to bait me. I know that I am the ONLY person in her entire life to have put up boundaries and called her out on her bullshit and when I told her that I would no longer take it, and I would no longer allow her to do that to ANY of the children, she went off the deep end and has now waged all out war on me. I've given her all she wanted, I let her kids go, I packed up all of their belongings, I have stopped communicating with them, but she keeps after me. Maybe she can't deal with the guilt for all the pain she is causing them, and us, maybe?  Either way, she is unhinged and her claims and attacks have affected not only me, but my family, my children, my stepchildren, Justin's friends and family and many others; I fear soon she will take her allegations to my workplace.  She has now hired a lawyer and is coming after me, for what, I do not yet know (I have not received the certified letter yet but know it is coming).

 

Has anyone else dealt with anything like this? I go places and women I have NEVER met glare at me, she's spreading blatant lies  - drug allegations, theft allegations, cheating allegations, you name it - I hear things from strangers, it is unreal, and if it wasn't happening TO me, I'd think even writing all of this sounds just as insane and paranoid. Has anyone encountered such anger after death? Such vitriol? Jealousy and malice?  Has anyone else been sued for their deceased's belongings?  Has that worked? There was no will, everything, which was basically only tens of thousands of dollars in bills, was left to me. For the record, his kids were given whatever they wanted of their father's, this isn't them, this is all her. I know that the best reaction is no reaction, and I do not respond to her or others, I just cry myself to sleep every night again. I am stuck here just letting it happen, I can't defend myself, and my husband's memory is being tarnished for loving and choosing me. I know I cannot rationalize with crazy, but it still really, really hurts, on top of the grief i have for losing his children.  Thanks for listening.

 

 

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I am horrified by this. I agree, get a lawyer pronto and document as much as you can. And, if you don’t have one already, a therapist to help you deal with this beyond stressful situation. My problem was MUCH milder than this and no children were involved so I was able to cut the person out of my life fairly easily. I’m sorry you are going through this, death does make some people lose their shit in the worst ways. 

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An elementary age friend and I reconnected 2 years ago. She lost her 2nd husband to a medical mistake. She had children, and he had children.  The husband had been married to the mother of his children.  The ex was a RN yet brutal.  The friend spent 5 yrs. dealing with the malpractice suit, won and paid all to attorneys except about $30,000.  And the ex then came after it.  The ex came after everything for her children.  More legal battles and my friend moved back home, hundreds of miles away.  She had to pay court costs and still won against the ex. She stated it was not worth it.  But she had no other recourse.  She stated she gave everything to the stepkids they had purchased for them and more. She just wanted out, but the ex wanted the insurance money and pay out from the malpractice.  She did not get either due to his planning, but my friend had to deal with court.  

I am sorry for this mess.  I don't know what all you can do. My friend has no communication with her stepkids and they lived 50/50 with her and her husband. She had to deal with that loss, too.  Moving away helped.  

 

It is hard. I am sorry.

Edited by tybec
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@tybec sheesh, this sounds like my situation, and i have avoided pleas to file a malpractice suit because i know it will cause more problems with the ex. I am just beside myself.

 

@Bunny @BrokenHeart2 I cannot afford a lawyer!  Had we known Justin was going to pass so quickly we would have done a will, but we didn't. So i am relying only on community property laws for Wisconsin. The only saving grace i have right now is that the home we shared was mine and remained in my name only. I of course had to pay off all of the medical bills, his credit cards, funeral expenses, and the cost of the home equity loan that was solely in my name but we used to make our home large enough for all of us. He had a car in his name that was worth very little and his small bank account, and both of those were transferred to my name as his wife, so I suppose I came out ahead in her mind...it makes me so sick and so sad. As I understand it (still waiting to be served her attorney's letter) from gossip, she feels his kids deserve everything that was "his" or that they want of their fathers, including electronics, furniture, all things he got after their divorce and many of them I wound up paying off when he died as they were on credit. The kids have told me directly that they are not the ones asking...either way, i cannot afford to fight her but I can't afford to refurnish my home, and I am just sick that there are people in this world who are pure evil. She gets more than twice what he gave her in child support a month from social security, she has since bought a new home and new car, furnished it completely, and I get nothing and never will, we weren't married long enough, and i am FINE with that. And the money that was raised at a couple of fundraisers and the GoFundMe that was set up I put it into college savings accounts for HIS kids! Nothing is good enough, she and these few other people want to destroy me.  Apparently anyone can threaten legal action and we victims just have to cope, while still grieving. It is despicable. 

Edited by kflex
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"death brings out the worst in some people I guess" Absolutely yes. I saw some amazing things after my husband died. I remain shocked to this day 7+ years later. The bottom line is THEY were crazy. Crazy people do crazy things.

 

Do an internet search for free legal help. There are agencies funded by the government to help those with low income. Also check out colleges with law programs. They look for cases for their students to work on. I don't know what she thinks she is going to get. She will have to pay for the lawyer who will want a good sized retainer. Lets see if she follows through. 

 

As for the kids, perhaps when they are older they will seek you out and re-establish contact. 

 

So sorry you have to deal with this!

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