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widowed 3rd may 2019


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i lost my wife on 3rd may 2019 she had diabetes from 12years old ,she was 49 when she died .maria had a kidney transplant 16 years ago ,we have 1 son who is 23 years old ,he has cerebral palsy and cannot walk he is amazing and comforts me every day.maria spent 3 periods in hospital over the last 18 month the longest april17th 2018 for 108 days most of which was in icu ,she had a heart attack and multiple organ failure was intubated for 9days ,she is such a fighter and amazed me everyday with her will to survive and smiled everyday even when she could barely breath ,i am in awe of her and have been all my life ,she is the most beautiful amazing gorgeous woman i have ever known .maria left hospital in august last year and the doctors said she now had heart failure and was on dialysis aswell ,as her transplanted kidney was failing ,but after her short time of being upset she did what she always did and said she will fight and isn't ready to go yet ,she had the most amazing positive attitude .after 3 months of dialysis 3times a week her kidney picked up and its function went up to 18 percent which meant dialysis could stop ,this was amazing news for us and maria .recently she started to put-on weight which meant she was retaining fluid again ,we went to the hospital and her kidney function was decreasing again .maria reduced her fluid intake and increased her water tablets to try to get the fluid off but the following week maria had an appointment on friday the third of may with the predialysis team for bloods .we both knew they would keep her in and packed a bag ready .walking up the path to the car maria said she felt dizzy helped her walk to the car but as we got there she couldn't stand .i had already decided to go straight to a and e but she said she wanted to go to her appointment [she was very stubborn ] i rang 999 as she was not responding to me as we turned off our street i flagged a policeman down and he got an ambulance this was around 9.15 am the took her to hospital and tried to save her but were unable as her heart was so weak .this beautiful lady is the love of my life and i don't know how to breath without her ,i woke up next to my beautiful wife every day for 28 years and 3rd may 2019 10 am she died and now i will never see her again ,i am so lost i don't know what to do ,for 28 years i had her to help me make every decision and now i have to make them on my own ,i don't know how to do it i miss her so much my heart is totally broken ,sometimes i feel like someone is stood on my chest the pain is so overwhelming .i know i have to carry on to look after our beautiful son ,i think he is the one taking care of me at the moment as he is so strong and has an unbelievable positive attitude which he gets from his mum of course .i on the other hand am a worrier to the point that maria asked everyone we saw to have a quiet word with me to try and get me to not worry so much ,but how do you not worry when the person you love so much is really poorly and has been through so much in her life .i miss her and love her so much i feel so lost .

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Thank you for sharing your story. It takes great courage to relive the events so you can tell us what happened. I am sorry Maria’s body couldn’t keep up her spirit and her will. It’s only been about a month for you so it is a lot to process. Be kind to yourself, except help when offered, and remember grief is no race. You work at your own time and pace. Hugs for you today. Sorry you have to join us here. 

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I am very sorry you have reason to join us here Simon.  Thank you for telling us about Maria.  The strength of spirit and raw courage Maria had is humbling.  My Precious, who passed March 8, had such courage.  She also fought for life, not just her life but our life together.  Maria wants you to stop worrying and Precious wants me to be happy as well.  That doesn't make it any easier does it?  On the contrary it makes us feel their loss more deeply.   They say that true love is wanting the best for the one you love.  Sacrificing anything for their comfort is what you do.  You have that kind of love.  It will get you through and the world will be a better place because of it.  

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Thank you for the kind words they mean a lot especially from people who totally understand the feelings i am experiencing ,I just keep reliving it and trying to figure out if there was any way i could have kept her with me and my son for longer .

 

Edited by simon8164
felt it was unfair to dump all this on people who are experiencing the same as me
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42 minutes ago, simon8164 said:

I just keep reliving it and trying to figure out if there was any way i could have kept her with me and my son for longer .

 

That is another thing we do.  Second guessing the ordeal and how we handled it.  You can turn that into serious guilt easily.  But if it wasn't one thing it would be another.  I blame myself for not giving her enough hugs the last months.  I could have brought more smiles to her face.  One thing that saves me from these thoughts is remembering her mantra "It is what it is".  That was not a cliche with her.  She really did accept each piece of bad news with grace.  I've got to keep reminding myself that guilt is not deserved or helpful.

 

re. your edit  ...  Don't worry about dumping.  That is what we come here to do.  If you are not sure of the propriety of something you could PM me and we can keep it private or "clean it up" for public consumption.  I should tell you that this is my second time around.  

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Maria fought so hard in and out of hospital she never gave up once having so much to live with and still everyday smiling never complaining .of course she got sad and worn down at times but she never was angry at all and she did have every right to be .my son Josh is just like her with all his problems having cerebral palsy has been a massive challenge but he has the same positive attitude as his beautiful mum smiling all the time and comforting me .i can't believe i could ever deserve such a wonderful family ,Maria and Josh are truly my heroes and i feel totally not worthy of the love i have received in my life .i wish it was me and not them the have had all these problems ,such amazing people don't deserve to have all these problems .i never thought i could have lhe love in my life which i have had ,i am totally broken without Maria in my life just one more of her hugs to make everything feel better but it is not possible she was my soul mate .i am trying to be strong for josh but i just find it so hard to be positive when my beautiful maria has gone .i have never experienced pain like this .

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  • 4 weeks later...

Is it silly to send Maria a goodnight text every night before i sleep ?  i am still not getting to sleep until sometimes 4 am the bed feels so empty without her .it seems to be getting harder not easier at the moment everything just seems so empty ,i just need a hug from My Beautiful Darl .

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Yes, I agree with Julester - do whatever you need to do.  I actually called my late husband once from the office; it was just a natural impulse I guess. 

 

Sometimes, I did things not knowing at the time just how much I needed to do them.  For example, having never had one iota of interest in soccer in my life, I spent an entire summer watching EVERY SINGLE match of the World Cup......wait for it.....in Spanish, which I, regretfully, do not speak.  All of them.  Every single one.  It just kept going every day and I kept going with it and in some small way it kept me going as I became more and more invested in it (am now huge soccer fan).  I think at the time, I just needed something to care about that wasn't my life.

 

I also continued to sleep in my daughter's bed (with her, obvs) for months and months even after he died (had started doing it in the late stages of his illness).  I knew I was sleeping poorly, the two of us crammed in a tiny bed but it didn't matter to me.  That's what I needed at the time so I did it and didn't question it. 

 

I'm sorry for your loss, but I am glad you've found this safe, supportive space and hope it will give you some relief, as it has for me.  

 

 

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I can't imagine ... but then again....  I can.  I am so sorry that you're having such intense grief.  It comes through in your words....... 

 

I invited my daughter to sleep in my bed after hubbs passed..  I couldn't be alone, either. 

 

You're going through so much....  You've exhausted yourself taking care of everyone.. and you still have that job to continue for your son....  

But be sure to reach out for help, and take care of you...  you may not even know what that means, or how to do it.. but find some time off.....  

 

God bless!

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Today i woke up on Maria"s side of the bed , i have never done this ever and do not know how it happened  .I think this was the best night sleep since I lost her even felt a bit closer to her waking up on her pillow i think .My son is feeling a lot more sad lately and i have been worrying about him have asked him to sleep in our bed but he's 23 and i think he doesn't feel he can.He did on the first night and after the funeral but not since .wish i could help him get through it .Josh doesn't like me asking him if he's ok as he thinks I'm referring to how he feels about his mum not just in general .thanks for all of your kind words everyone ,it really helps talking to people who truly understand .

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It does not seem silly to me at all that you send texts to your lost love Simon.  I have been known to speak out loud to Precious.  It makes me feel closer to her somehow.  I can even imagine what she would reply and laugh out loud at what she might say.

Last year she planted some perennials in a little garden outside our bedroom window.   I had no idea they were there until I saw the blooms this summer.  I thanked her for the surprise and I swear I could hear her devilish giggle.

 

That's a good sign of your progress that you slept well and used the entire bed to do it.  Most of us have had the experience which comes between sleeping and wake of sensing we are not alone in the bed.  Interpret that in anyway you'd like.  Your twilight zone, your rules.

 

Just a thought re. Josh and asking how he is.  Maybe if you keep the questions specific to today.  such as "Are you feeling hungry Josh?" or "What would be a fun thing to do today Josh?"  Don't give him any extra room to misinterpret.  

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re. Josh that is a good idea i will try that ,i think it is my fault as i used to obsess about Maria feeling ok by asking ,are you ok darl she would say yes then i would ask good but are you feeling ok to which she would reply yes in a more stern voice ,i think i was that worried about her all the time it got on her nerves a bit .i was just so scared of losing her i feel i should have less worried but i couldn't help it .i definitely try harder with Josh not to keep asking him .Josh is on the autistic spectrum so everything is black and white to him there's not really a grey area to him .he takes most things literally so i will have to choose my words more carefully 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

89 days since i lost my beautiful darl [ Maria ] and i feel like it was today i miss her so much i feel like i can't breathe sometimes .i am crying more than i was ,i am able to hide how i feel in front of people a little better but still break sometimes .i find myself telling people i am ok even though i am in so much pain inside as i feel they don't want to listen to a 50 year old man constantly talking about how much he misses his wife and how it hurts so much and how hard it is to even get out of bed every day .they ask how you are but don't really want to hear the answer .so you just say you are ok but you know you will never be ok ever again .all i can think is every day passed is a day closer to being with her and that day can't come soon enough for me .i know i have to stay to be with my son and feel selfish for wanting to be with Maria i love my son more than anything in the world and i know he needs me to support him but i am so lost without my beautiful wife .i can't imagine my life without her .it just seems like i will feel this sad forever until i am with her .

 

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I am close to 1000 days out from the death of my wife. The sadness does not go away. But you will get stronger and the sadness will not occupy your whole being. You will find a way to build a new life from the wreckage of your old life. For me it took a conscious choice to be grateful for the time I had with Christine rather than angry that it ended before I was ready for it to end. Be kind to yourself. What you are feeling is valid but you will not feel like you are drowning forever.

 

Just before I came here and read this a 1 year memory popped up in my facebook feed. I think it was something I had copied from Reddit, I do not know the author. It helped me. Maybe it will help you.

 

-----------------------

Author unknown

 

I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks

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  • 4 weeks later...

are there any thoughts on when i should go back to work as people are saying i should but i don't feel ready yet ,its nearly been 4 months but i am crying and thinking about maria all the time ,my manager is mentioning it to me now ,people say it is good to get back but i don't want to just yet  . i am not ready to face people every day at the moment ,i didn't go to a family meal for my mums birthday last week i can't face everyone but maria being there .i had my first session of c b t last week and i know its just an introduction on the first session but they even brought up going back to work then . the c b t sessions are through work so i should expect i think ,anyway if anyone has any thoughts on this subject please let me know ,thanks

simon

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Simon, as Julester said, keeping busy is good medicine.  If work is still too difficult for you it might help to get out and visit safer places.  For me it was a flea mkt. last weekend.  I wasn't looking for anything.  I just wanted to be around people who were all doing their own thing and I could interact with or not.  I have been crying more than usual lately but I knew that no one at the flea mkt was going to care in the least.  That freed me so that I had a good day.  Even spoke with a few vendors about the stuff they were selling.

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Simon, for what it is worth, I found work actually helped me because it gave me (at least for a few hours) something to else to concentrate on. Now, I work for myself so maybe it is different, after all I don't have to dress up, just go in the office and boom I'm at work, even in a nightgown. But I really mean it when I say the concentrating on something besides Mark was very helpful. I'm at 6 months and there are still days I find it very helpful. Take care of yourself, and sending prayers your way.

 

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On 7/2/2019 at 5:31 AM, simon8164 said:

Is it silly to send Maria a goodnight text every night before i sleep ?  i am still not getting to sleep until sometimes 4 am the bed feels so empty without her .it seems to be getting harder not easier at the moment everything just seems so empty ,i just need a hug from My Beautiful Darl .

Simon, I was widowed 13 years and 3 months ago. I started writing every single night, a love letter to my Scott. I can tell you that nothing you do is ever silly. Never.

Write to her, talk to her, cry to her, keep telling her how much you love her. Nothing you do is silly. Ever never ever. I'm 13 years and 3 months out and I STILL write love letters to him. Even after all these years. Much love to you and much sorrow for your loss.

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  • 1 month later...

It is coming up to 6 months since i lost my beautiful darl ,Maria ,she would have been celebrating her 50th birthday on the 5th of november this year.

i miss her so much and cry every day ,the pain is unbearable and does not feel like it is going to ever ease with all the time in the world  ,i will be feeling like this forever .she was so excited for her party which we would have had for her ,i have thought of having a party in her memory but it doesn't feel right her not being there ,Maria just loved to dance ,i could not take my eyes off her when she was dancing as she looked so happy and beautiful .i really don't know what i am going to do for the rest of my life without her ,sorry to sound negative it is just unbearable without Maria .i can't even decide what to eat at mealtime anymore ,so how do i run a whole household without her guidance ,it can take half an hour to decide what to have for an evening meal for me and josh .we even settle on a sandwich sometimes .i thought i would have preferred to go before her but i would not wish this pain for Maria to have to deal with .i try to be positive for Josh as he is for me but it is so draining trying all the time to seem happy when inside your heart is shattered .once again i find myself going on about how bad it feels for me when everyone here feels the same as me and totally understands this situation .

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What you feel is real and it's normal. Her birthday is a milestone year and you should do what you feel comfortable with. Just take it a day at a time and don't sweat the small things. A sandwich is fine. I ate a lot of peanut butter on toast and drank coffee in the beginning. As long as you have something in the kitchen, it will be okay. Take one challenge at a time. Hugs and hang in there.

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 6/2/2019 at 9:19 PM, simon8164 said:

i lost my wife on 3rd may 2019 she had diabetes from 12years old ,she was 49 when she died .maria had a kidney transplant 16 years ago ,we have 1 son who is 23 years old ,he has cerebral palsy and cannot walk he is amazing and comforts me every day.maria spent 3 periods in hospital over the last 18 month the longest april17th 2018 for 108 days most of which was in icu ,she had a heart attack and multiple organ failure was intubated for 9days ,she is such a fighter and amazed me everyday with her will to survive and smiled everyday even when she could barely breath ,i am in awe of her and have been all my life ,she is the most beautiful amazing gorgeous woman i have ever known .maria left hospital in august last year and the doctors said she now had heart failure and was on dialysis aswell ,as her transplanted kidney was failing ,but after her short time of being upset she did what she always did and said she will fight and isn't ready to go yet ,she had the most amazing positive attitude .after 3 months of dialysis 3times a week her kidney picked up and its function went up to 18 percent which meant dialysis could stop ,this was amazing news for us and maria .recently she started to put-on weight which meant she was retaining fluid again ,we went to the hospital and her kidney function was decreasing again .maria reduced her fluid intake and increased her water tablets to try to get the fluid off but the following week maria had an appointment on friday the third of may with the predialysis team for bloods .we both knew they would keep her in and packed a bag ready .walking up the path to the car maria said she felt dizzy helped her walk to the car but as we got there she couldn't stand .i had already decided to go straight to a and e but she said she wanted to go to her appointment [she was very stubborn ] i rang 999 as she was not responding to me as we turned off our street i flagged a policeman down and he got an ambulance this was around 9.15 am the took her to hospital and tried to save her but were unable as her heart was so weak .this beautiful lady is the love of my life and i don't know how to breath without her ,i woke up next to my beautiful wife every day for 28 years and 3rd may 2019 10 am she died and now i will never see her again ,i am so lost i don't know what to do ,for 28 years i had her to help me make every decision and now i have to make them on my own ,i don't know how to do it i miss her so much my heart is totally broken ,sometimes i feel like someone is stood on my chest the pain is so overwhelming .i know i have to carry on to look after our beautiful son ,i think he is the one taking care of me at the moment as he is so strong and has an unbelievable positive attitude which he gets from his mum of course .i on the other hand am a worrier to the point that maria asked everyone we saw to have a quiet word with me to try and get me to not worry so much ,but how do you not worry when the person you love so much is really poorly and has been through so much in her life .i miss her and love her so much i feel so lost .

I am so sorry about your wife. She was amazing from what you write. Your story has similarities to mine. I lost my beloved husband David on June 23,2019. Dave had a kidney transplant in 1981. Lasted 38 years. Over time he developed many health problems but he always fought to get better. I never knew anyone could have so ma y things wrong with them!! We also have 1 daughter who has special needs she is 34 years old and still lives at home. She is so strong and if I didn't have her I may have done something tragic. My husband took wonder care of my daughter and I. His last couple of years were spent in and out of hospitals, doctor app and tests. We were married 42 years. This is solo unbearable!! I'm glad I signed into this forum. My prayers for and your son.

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