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simon8164

widowed 3rd may 2019

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i am so sorry you had to join this forum but i am glad i have spoken to you also .i am so sorry to hear about Dave ,he sounds like a wonderful man who loves his family so much .  Maria also spent a lot of time in hospital and many appointments over the last few years .she always showed such strength and dignity no matter how she felt ,i can't imagine how much pain she endured with all the procedures she had to go through .Maria always had a smile for everyone which lit up the room ,and hug for me and josh which always made you feel better no matter how bad things got .she and josh are the strongest people i have ever known ,as Josh has gone through so much in his life also but he too has always got a smile and a hug which make you instantly feel better .i have been so blessed to have so much love in my life .if love was money i would be the richest man alive . i feel so much pain it is almost unbearable sometimes .i think about Maria all the time and cry every day for her i miss her so much .im sure everyone who has ever lost someone feels the same ,i can't imagine this pain ever going away but then somehow i kind of don't want it to either as it reminds me of the love we have and how deep it is ,i know that sounds odd but im sure you all know what i mean .by feeling so much pain all the time it helps to keep her here and in my heart all the time .i feel so sad and lonely sometimes i don't know what to do with myself ,when i say lonely i mean i have such an immense yearning to hold her again its like a physical pain . As you can see i start to waffle when i talk about Maria .i find myself trying to put into words how much i love her but i know it is impossible to express to anyone how i feel about my beautiful darl .i know it has been over 6 months now and people have all stopped visiting now ,its almost like they think that 6 months is enough time to grieve and i should be trying to get into some kind of new normal by now but i am still unable to make basic decisions even down to what to have for lunch etc as every decision i have made for 28 years has been jointly made by Maria and myself ,i know that it sounds crazy but it is true .i miss Maria so much .

 

 

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On 11/28/2019 at 4:05 PM, simon8164 said:

i can't imagine this pain ever going away but then somehow i kind of don't want it to either as it reminds me of the love we have and how deep it is ,i know that sounds odd but im sure you all know what i mean

I think that a lot of us here know what you mean Simon.  And you express it well.

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On 8/1/2019 at 12:39 PM, simon8164 said:

all i can think is every day passed is a day closer to being with her and that day can't come soon enough for me

Dear @simon8164. It's coming up to 4 years (19th Jan) since my husband is gone and even though my grief is different to what it was in the first couple of years, it is and always will be there and I too can't wait to the day I am reunited with him. Last Sun was my birthday and all I could think of was - 1 year less without Ken. Same with every 19th Jan - in the first years it was the hardest day, now - I almost celebrate it as a year less without Ken. Hang on there, time flies and you will see your Maria sooner then you think xx

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On 12/1/2019 at 8:50 PM, Love2fish said:

I think that a lot of us here know what you mean Simon.  And you express it well.

 

Yes, that's how I have felt too.  Sadness doesn't preoccupy my mind every second of the day as it used to and it makes me fell like I didn't love Ken enough? My logical mind knows it's stupid but I can't help feeling this way

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i knew it would be hard to get through my birthday ,christmas and new year all in a 2 week space ,and it really was ,my birthday i just didn't want to happen at all as Maria always made this day so special even with it being near christmas ,she separated the two for me as when i was younger it kind of got rolled into 1 as anyone who has a birthday so close to christmas probably knows .christmas we did something different this year as nobody wanted a traditional home christmas like we always did ,josh and myself had christmas with Marias side of the family as we alternated every year ,we all stayed in a hotel in cheshire which was lovely and took some of the pressure away from all having to be in the same room all day ,it seemed to make it easier not having it in marias sisters house as usual ,i went to my room to have a bit of a cry and talk to my beautiful darl .all in all christmas was easier  than i thought it would be i suppose .new year was when it really hit me ,i just didn't want to leave the year my beautiful wife was still here in ,i had panic attacks and everything .it all just kind of hit me that she wasn't coming back and it was so real ,it felt like she had just died and i couldn't stop getting upset and am still really struggling more each day i miss her so much ,i think i still had it in the back of my mind that she hadn't really gone yet but when it turned 2020 that was it .everything is so unbearable and i feel so lonely without her .i know i have josh and he has me ,i will take care of him for as long as i can ,but i have no one to hold anymore my soulmate ,my life ,my best friend ,the love of my life my world ,i don't know what to do anymore ,people say get a hobby go to the gym ,but you can't cuddle a hobby, or tell the gym about your day like i could Maria. 

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I remember leaving the year my husband died and entering that new year begrudgingly on my own. I chose not to go out or celebrate with anyone but my kids. We had s movie marathon and I made some of our favorite foods. I had to sit there to figure out where did we go from there and I decided to focus on my short term goals with the kids and decide what we could do to make us a stronger family unit. I didn’t focus on my loneliness. I wasn’t ready to confront it or my needs. I focused on taking care of myself and being able to provide for my kids and it was enough at that time. It is hard to plan long term. I still struggle with it and I’ll be 4 years widowed this spring. Peace to you! 

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i think my post sounds selfish after reading it through again .i wasn't trying to do that ,i just miss Maria so much and as new year happened the realisation is hitting me that she really isn't coming home ever ,this makes me need her even more .josh does a lot of things with his friends and is on his computer all the time writing new scripts for his audio plays and chatting to his hundreds of friends on social media,he also volunteers at a local theatre and theatre is another one of his passions ,he loves Dr Who the tv series so much that he cosplays and goes to a lot of conventions which is amazing for him .i take him to all his venues and to the theatre which i don't mind doing at all ,i would normally go home for a few hours to be with Maria maybe go for a meal just the two of us. then pick him up at the end of his shift ,now i just wait in the car for him there is nothing for me to do ,i just feel lonely .we are going to L A in february to a Dr Who convention which is his dream convention and he is so excited ,i make sure he gets to all of his photo shoots and autograph signings on time and it is lovely to see him so happy .we are then off to orlando for 2 weeks which we all as a family used to love going to especially Maria it was her favourite place to visit ,i am looking forward to going for josh but worried for myself as it will be so hard to do things without her .i think what i am trying to say is not {what do i do now } but how do i do anything without Maria and i don't just want anyone to cuddle or tell about my day I just want My Beautiful Darl and no one else .she is my life and always will be .

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On 1/6/2020 at 9:51 PM, simon8164 said:

i knew it would be hard to get through my birthday ,christmas and new year all in a 2 week space ,and it really was ,my birthday i just didn't want to happen at all as Maria always made this day so special even with it being near christmas ,she separated the two for me as when i was younger it kind of got rolled into 1 as anyone who has a birthday so close to christmas probably knows .christmas we did something different this year as nobody wanted a traditional home christmas like we always did ,josh and myself had christmas with Marias side of the family as we alternated every year ,we all stayed in a hotel in cheshire which was lovely and took some of the pressure away from all having to be in the same room all day ,it seemed to make it easier not having it in marias sisters house as usual ,i went to my room to have a bit of a cry and talk to my beautiful darl .all in all christmas was easier  than i thought it would be i suppose .new year was when it really hit me ,i just didn't want to leave the year my beautiful wife was still here in ,i had panic attacks and everything .it all just kind of hit me that she wasn't coming back and it was so real ,it felt like she had just died and i couldn't stop getting upset and am still really struggling more each day i miss her so much ,i think i still had it in the back of my mind that she hadn't really gone yet but when it turned 2020 that was it .everything is so unbearable and i feel so lonely without her .i know i have josh and he has me ,i will take care of him for as long as i can ,but i have no one to hold anymore my soulmate ,my life ,my best friend ,the love of my life my world ,i don't know what to do anymore ,people say get a hobby go to the gym ,but you can't cuddle a hobby, or tell the gym about your day like i could Maria. 

 I hear you Simon and know all too well how you feel. I too, sometimes, stop and think it is not possible Ken is gone.But he is gone and even now, 4 trs later I find it hard to comprehend. 

Some ppl recover faster then others but every time I read your posts, it is like I was reading my own from 4 yrs ago. Unfortunately it will hurt, possibly lessen on intensity as time goes by but the deep black hole will never disappear. 

As for getting a hobby, was advised that too by a nurse, probably a few weeks after Ken passed away. She probably meant well (probably never been through a loss herself) but there was/ is/ will be no hobby/ nothing/ noone in the whole wide world that could make the pain go away.

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