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i lost my wife on 3rd may 2019 she had diabetes from 12years old ,she was 49 when she died .maria had a kidney transplant 16 years ago ,we have 1 son who is 23 years old ,he has cerebral palsy and cannot walk he is amazing and comforts me every day.maria spent 3 periods in hospital over the last 18 month the longest april17th 2018 for 108 days most of which was in icu ,she had a heart attack and multiple organ failure was intubated for 9days ,she is such a fighter and amazed me everyday with her will to survive and smiled everyday even when she could barely breath ,i am in awe of her and have been all my life ,she is the most beautiful amazing gorgeous woman i have ever known .maria left hospital in august last year and the doctors said she now had heart failure and was on dialysis aswell ,as her transplanted kidney was failing ,but after her short time of being upset she did what she always did and said she will fight and isn't ready to go yet ,she had the most amazing positive attitude .after 3 months of dialysis 3times a week her kidney picked up and its function went up to 18 percent which meant dialysis could stop ,this was amazing news for us and maria .recently she started to put-on weight which meant she was retaining fluid again ,we went to the hospital and her kidney function was decreasing again .maria reduced her fluid intake and increased her water tablets to try to get the fluid off but the following week maria had an appointment on friday the third of may with the predialysis team for bloods .we both knew they would keep her in and packed a bag ready .walking up the path to the car maria said she felt dizzy helped her walk to the car but as we got there she couldn't stand .i had already decided to go straight to a and e but she said she wanted to go to her appointment [she was very stubborn ] i rang 999 as she was not responding to me as we turned off our street i flagged a policeman down and he got an ambulance this was around 9.15 am the took her to hospital and tried to save her but were unable as her heart was so weak .this beautiful lady is the love of my life and i don't know how to breath without her ,i woke up next to my beautiful wife every day for 28 years and 3rd may 2019 10 am she died and now i will never see her again ,i am so lost i don't know what to do ,for 28 years i had her to help me make every decision and now i have to make them on my own ,i don't know how to do it i miss her so much my heart is totally broken ,sometimes i feel like someone is stood on my chest the pain is so overwhelming .i know i have to carry on to look after our beautiful son ,i think he is the one taking care of me at the moment as he is so strong and has an unbelievable positive attitude which he gets from his mum of course .i on the other hand am a worrier to the point that maria asked everyone we saw to have a quiet word with me to try and get me to not worry so much ,but how do you not worry when the person you love so much is really poorly and has been through so much in her life .i miss her and love her so much i feel so lost .

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Thank you for sharing your story. It takes great courage to relive the events so you can tell us what happened. I am sorry Maria’s body couldn’t keep up her spirit and her will. It’s only been about a month for you so it is a lot to process. Be kind to yourself, except help when offered, and remember grief is no race. You work at your own time and pace. Hugs for you today. Sorry you have to join us here. 

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I am very sorry you have reason to join us here Simon.  Thank you for telling us about Maria.  The strength of spirit and raw courage Maria had is humbling.  My Precious, who passed March 8, had such courage.  She also fought for life, not just her life but our life together.  Maria wants you to stop worrying and Precious wants me to be happy as well.  That doesn't make it any easier does it?  On the contrary it makes us feel their loss more deeply.   They say that true love is wanting the best for the one you love.  Sacrificing anything for their comfort is what you do.  You have that kind of love.  It will get you through and the world will be a better place because of it.  

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Posted (edited)

Thank you for the kind words they mean a lot especially from people who totally understand the feelings i am experiencing ,I just keep reliving it and trying to figure out if there was any way i could have kept her with me and my son for longer .

 

Edited by simon8164
felt it was unfair to dump all this on people who are experiencing the same as me

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42 minutes ago, simon8164 said:

I just keep reliving it and trying to figure out if there was any way i could have kept her with me and my son for longer .

 

That is another thing we do.  Second guessing the ordeal and how we handled it.  You can turn that into serious guilt easily.  But if it wasn't one thing it would be another.  I blame myself for not giving her enough hugs the last months.  I could have brought more smiles to her face.  One thing that saves me from these thoughts is remembering her mantra "It is what it is".  That was not a cliche with her.  She really did accept each piece of bad news with grace.  I've got to keep reminding myself that guilt is not deserved or helpful.

 

re. your edit  ...  Don't worry about dumping.  That is what we come here to do.  If you are not sure of the propriety of something you could PM me and we can keep it private or "clean it up" for public consumption.  I should tell you that this is my second time around.  

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Maria fought so hard in and out of hospital she never gave up once having so much to live with and still everyday smiling never complaining .of course she got sad and worn down at times but she never was angry at all and she did have every right to be .my son Josh is just like her with all his problems having cerebral palsy has been a massive challenge but he has the same positive attitude as his beautiful mum smiling all the time and comforting me .i can't believe i could ever deserve such a wonderful family ,Maria and Josh are truly my heroes and i feel totally not worthy of the love i have received in my life .i wish it was me and not them the have had all these problems ,such amazing people don't deserve to have all these problems .i never thought i could have lhe love in my life which i have had ,i am totally broken without Maria in my life just one more of her hugs to make everything feel better but it is not possible she was my soul mate .i am trying to be strong for josh but i just find it so hard to be positive when my beautiful maria has gone .i have never experienced pain like this .

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Is it silly to send Maria a goodnight text every night before i sleep ?  i am still not getting to sleep until sometimes 4 am the bed feels so empty without her .it seems to be getting harder not easier at the moment everything just seems so empty ,i just need a hug from My Beautiful Darl .

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Yes, I agree with Julester - do whatever you need to do.  I actually called my late husband once from the office; it was just a natural impulse I guess. 

 

Sometimes, I did things not knowing at the time just how much I needed to do them.  For example, having never had one iota of interest in soccer in my life, I spent an entire summer watching EVERY SINGLE match of the World Cup......wait for it.....in Spanish, which I, regretfully, do not speak.  All of them.  Every single one.  It just kept going every day and I kept going with it and in some small way it kept me going as I became more and more invested in it (am now huge soccer fan).  I think at the time, I just needed something to care about that wasn't my life.

 

I also continued to sleep in my daughter's bed (with her, obvs) for months and months even after he died (had started doing it in the late stages of his illness).  I knew I was sleeping poorly, the two of us crammed in a tiny bed but it didn't matter to me.  That's what I needed at the time so I did it and didn't question it. 

 

I'm sorry for your loss, but I am glad you've found this safe, supportive space and hope it will give you some relief, as it has for me.  

 

 

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I can't imagine ... but then again....  I can.  I am so sorry that you're having such intense grief.  It comes through in your words....... 

 

I invited my daughter to sleep in my bed after hubbs passed..  I couldn't be alone, either. 

 

You're going through so much....  You've exhausted yourself taking care of everyone.. and you still have that job to continue for your son....  

But be sure to reach out for help, and take care of you...  you may not even know what that means, or how to do it.. but find some time off.....  

 

God bless!

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Today i woke up on Maria"s side of the bed , i have never done this ever and do not know how it happened  .I think this was the best night sleep since I lost her even felt a bit closer to her waking up on her pillow i think .My son is feeling a lot more sad lately and i have been worrying about him have asked him to sleep in our bed but he's 23 and i think he doesn't feel he can.He did on the first night and after the funeral but not since .wish i could help him get through it .Josh doesn't like me asking him if he's ok as he thinks I'm referring to how he feels about his mum not just in general .thanks for all of your kind words everyone ,it really helps talking to people who truly understand .

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It does not seem silly to me at all that you send texts to your lost love Simon.  I have been known to speak out loud to Precious.  It makes me feel closer to her somehow.  I can even imagine what she would reply and laugh out loud at what she might say.

Last year she planted some perennials in a little garden outside our bedroom window.   I had no idea they were there until I saw the blooms this summer.  I thanked her for the surprise and I swear I could hear her devilish giggle.

 

That's a good sign of your progress that you slept well and used the entire bed to do it.  Most of us have had the experience which comes between sleeping and wake of sensing we are not alone in the bed.  Interpret that in anyway you'd like.  Your twilight zone, your rules.

 

Just a thought re. Josh and asking how he is.  Maybe if you keep the questions specific to today.  such as "Are you feeling hungry Josh?" or "What would be a fun thing to do today Josh?"  Don't give him any extra room to misinterpret.  

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re. Josh that is a good idea i will try that ,i think it is my fault as i used to obsess about Maria feeling ok by asking ,are you ok darl she would say yes then i would ask good but are you feeling ok to which she would reply yes in a more stern voice ,i think i was that worried about her all the time it got on her nerves a bit .i was just so scared of losing her i feel i should have less worried but i couldn't help it .i definitely try harder with Josh not to keep asking him .Josh is on the autistic spectrum so everything is black and white to him there's not really a grey area to him .he takes most things literally so i will have to choose my words more carefully 

 

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