Moving on, Starting over... ??? Just thinking....

[RyanAmysMom]

I didn't know how to categorize this comment...  or question.. or...  I don't even know what this is going to be. .......  

Ugh.. 

 

I am coming up on 4 years since hubby died.  And I feel so strong, and I've made so much progress, and I've built such a great life..... 

and at the same time, I"m so weak, and so stuck, and so dissatisfied......    

Perhaps I"m entering something of a mid-life crisis....  (does 47 count?!)  

 

So, my son just graduated and is showing the hopeful signs of wanting to become independent.  

My daughter has 3 years left in high school and she'll be off to college.

 

Before hubby died, we had a PLAN..  and I worked the PLAN.  he'd retire, I'd work... so I went back to school, got my credential...got the teaching job....

Since he passed, I have been working on my Master's and working hard teaching.....  

 

And I'm starting to feel like the PLAN has played out.  

 

So....  now what??? 

 

I don't know how to make these kinds of decisions without my partner...  without his guidance and planning and vision and wisdom.....  

 

And I feel so fucking lonely. Damn, I hate that word.  I'm sick of that word.  I want that word to go away.  It's the root of all of my freaking self pity.....

 

So... there's also new guy..  who is fabulous and I'm freaking falling crazy in love....  and we've started talking about long term commitment...  and then we started talking about moving out of state..  (If you're a conservative in California, you are very uncomfortable these days...) 

 

And I'd love to just pick up and go...  

 

But I cant.....   yet.... 

 

I can't do that to my daughter....  And my parents are aging......  they need me.....  

But I don't want to be here any more.  I want to move on......

 

But I also want to do what's right for ME.  For once in my freaking life, I want to be selfish.  And I can't.  

 

and it's so unsettling....  I hate that word..   Unsettled.......  

 

but I suppose I need to just live in it for a while......  

 

ugh....  

 

Sorry for rambling...  and I don't know if anyone can even discern a question in all of this... but thanks for reading.....  

 

 

 

 

 

[tybec]

RAM,

 

I do understand your words/feelings.  LH and I had a plan, too.  And at 50, which I just turned, there were things to be completed.  And much is. And then much is just completely changed.  I did move for many reasons, and my elderly mother was one of those.  She passed in Nov. 2017.  We literally signed all paperwork today for closing out her estate.  And I have a NG, too, and although we love each other, it is far from settled.  My son is doing the best (cross my fingers) as his new school is great, and he has made friends, is committed to some activities, making awesome grades in advanced classes. SO, my changes have done well with him.

 But me.  I want to be selfish and I can't also, for different reasons than you, but still.  And I am lonely, too. And I hate that, also. 

 

It is the unsettling feelings, I think, that is hardest for me.   Even if NG stepped up and could be my person 100%, maybe I'l always feel unsettled some due to LH's untimely death?  Life was far from perfect with LH, but he was my person through all of it, and I knew he had my back.  That is part of my unsettled feelings, I think, now.  KNOWING, it can all change no matter how well you plan ?  

 

Congrats on your son's graduation and independence!  But, I understand the settling, waiting, and feeling  (fill in the blank.)  I get it. 

[RyanAmysMom]

it's so nice to be validated.... and not feel so crazy!  Thanks, tybec.....  

 

[PaulZ]

I can relate as well RyanAmysMom.  I've met someone really wonderful, we've been seeing each other since January.  She lives about an hour's drive away.  I would love to see her everyday, and she has the freedom at the moment where she could spend more time at my place.  We currently see each other about 3-4 days a month, although we talk every day.  My daughter is 15 and my wife passed away 3 years ago. I know my daughter needs this to be a gradual progression in my new relationship, so we are taking it slow.  I have some vacation in July where my girlfriend will be able to spend more time with us, but I would love to be with her all the time.  She has been sleeping in the spare bedroom when we are at my place cuz I know that would still bother my daughter at this point if she was sleeping with me in my bedroom where my wife used to sleep. Again, I'd like for her to be in my room, but I know what's best longterm is to take this one step at a time, and my girlfriend is vey understanding about this.  There is a part of me that would like to be selfish and just do what I want, but I know in the end it is best this way by respecting my daughter's feelings.

[BrokenHeart2]

Unsettling.....yes I can certainly relate to this feeling.  At 6 yrs out I'm feeling stuck and not knowing where to go.  RAM please don't stop 'rambling'!  Your posts are so thought provoking! 

[Julester3]

You are not nuts. I think we all have harder times making giant future plans after having to be forced to regroup, bury our previous dreams with our partners, and salvaging what is still possible. I know I do! My youngest also has 3 more years of high school and I will wait until then because it is something I’m firm on. I have kicked around some scenarios but I can’t make that move until later. I can be patient. NG says he can be too but he has younger kids than mine. 

[sudnlysngl]

Your not crazy. I'm 12 years out and feeling so stuck that I want to scream! I've married and divorced since dh's passing, sold the house last year, held on to hope that my siblings would come around (they never did), and guess what? I can't breathe anymore!

I'm still in the same area cause my daughter and her family had me convinced that I was wanted here, well I'm not! I'm the mom of convenience for them, otherwise I don't hear from them or see them.

I'm tired of being hurt and sad.

We have to find our ways in this "new" life we've been handed that "we" didn't ask for!

I'm struggling, but at least I'm struggling and that means I'm still living.....

How do we eat that elephant? One yucky bite at a time!

 

[trying2breathe]

I relate, RAM - for me I think there will always be a feeling of being unsettled,. now that DH is gone.  Whatever future plans we made died with him and it's been hard to re-adjust to the new reality.    I kind of thought that with a new relationship some of this uneasiness would go away, and it really hasn't eased up much at all.  It's coming to terms with the new normal, I guess.  

[RyanAmysMom]

Guys...  It's so nice to have all of you... I've never met any one of you and yet I feel almost like some of you are family!  I SO appreciate having people who truly understand and who don't judge......  God bless you!   

 

Thanks for the validation... and the advice and the thoughts....  

 

And..... seriously......  if anyone knows what I"m supposed to do next.....  I'm happy to give you my number so we can talk!    Cuz I'm L.O.S.T.  

[sudnlysngl]

None of us will ever have the answer because we are all here for the same reason! Our lives have been forever changed and NONE of us wanted that or were ready for that!

 

Now some are just better at moving forward than the rest of us. Or is it they got luckier with what life did after for and with them than some of us?

 

Who knows? I just know for me at this moment I am tired, I am stuck, I am in a place of uncertainty, and wondering if it's ever going to be better, but still somehow taking day at a time. What more can one do?

 

So (((hugs))) for those who are stuck too....