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StillWidowed

Why I'm Still Single

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So I started chatting with a guy online, and then it moved to text.  We'd been talking for a while, nice guy, very nice looking, good job, etc.  So as we get to know each other better, the subject of living arrangements comes up.  He tells me his grown daughter and her son (age 7) live with him.  She was in an abusive relationship and is now kinda messed up.  Paranoid.  Locks doors all the time, even when he's out walking the dog, etc.  I ask if her mother (his ex) is in the picture and he says kinda.  She's an alcoholic and he's had full custody of his daughter since she was 12 (she's in her late 20's now).  I ask if that was his only marriage and he says yes, and that I ask too many questions.  Wait, when you're getting to know someone, you ask questions, so you get to know someone...I thought?  Red flag number 1, or is it number 2 with this whole living arrangement of his.  Ok, I get it.  You're helping her out, but how does dating and a girlfriend fit into all this.  Then when we were chatting on Saturday night, he tells me he got home from the gym and she cooked him steak and lobster for dinner.  Hmmmm.  Now it sounds/feels kinda.....well.....creepy.  Like he's the substitute dad for her son and she's the substitute wife/girlfriend for him.  It just all felt so weird.  I was out.

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This is where gut instinct needs to guide you. Unfortunately, it’s harder to read meaning through text, it is easier to spot red flags when you can see their face as they talk to you or even when you can hear their voice as they say it. 

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It does sound a bit complicated, so probably not the best fit for you- wise to step away. 

 

He’s had full custody of his daughter since she was 12, I imagine there’s a stronger more intimate bond between a parent and child when you’re raising them alone- that’s been my casual observation of a couple widow friends with kids. Does she do ALL the cooking, that would have been my red flag, not the menu. And he is the child’s grandfather, so I would hope he’s helping with showing him how to be a Fine Young Man, since the child’s father seems not to be one. But since he isn’t the child’s father, he can still pursue a romantic life, yes? 

 

Recently, a friend of mine had her daughter and child move in with her and her second husband to escape an abusive relationship- it ended up lasting well over a year. Her daughter did help out with the cooking while living there. Though, it’s true, her husband felt neglected while the daughter was there since my friend was helping out quite a bit with the care-taking of her grandchild, so it definitely put a strain on her romantic relationship! 

 

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I agree Bunny.  I was glad he was helping out.  Many little boys don't have the gift of a grandfather stepping in when the father is absent.   We had been talking awhile and besides the normal what do you do for a living, hobbies, kids, etc., those were the only two questions I asked about his personal life.  And with justification since he's the one that brought up his living arrangement.  So when he immediately claimed I asked too many questions, my spidey senses were up.  I do have to disagree with the menu selection tho.  Hamburger Helper, I get it.  Steak and lobster?  I'm suspicious...hahaha

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