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RyanAmysMom

facing my inner demon....

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My husband died 4 years ago tomorrow. 

 

I blame myself.  

I haven't forgiven myself.  

I don't know how. 

 

I still cry when I think about his passing.. because I blame myself.  I feel so guilty.  So responsible.  So at fault.  

 

I shoulda.......  If only........  What if.......   If........  

 

Should've taken him home. Should've been with him.  Shouldn't have left him alone. Shouldn't have ignored his complaints.  If only I had forced him to wear his medic alert bracelet....  

Should've helped him get more exercise, eat better....  Should've heeded doctor's warnings.....  Should've been a better caretaker, wife....  

If only I had taken better care of him....  maybe....  

 

My logical mind knows damn well that there was nothing that I could have done - he was living on borrowed time anyway - and his care was up to him, not me. 

My logical mind knows the result was inevitable.  

But the emotional toll........  

 

I know I"m not alone in this.....  you understand, right? 

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Absolutely .  Not the same experience but the what if’s, should have, why didn’t I, and all.  Yes.  

 

“My logical mind knows damn well that there was nothing that I could have done - he was living on borrowed time anyway - and his care was up to him, not me. 

My logical mind knows the result was inevitable.  

But the emotional toll........ ”

 

So sorry.  Wait it out.  It will pass.  Slowly.  

 

 

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Yup. I’m responsible not only for my dead husband, but for every single animal who has ever died while under my care. I just thought it was a Catholic Thing...but seriously, they’re all totally my fault. 

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It will be 3 years for me on Wednesday , one of the most helpful things said was when a priest visited at the house a couple days after my wife passed.  I'm not strongly religious, but he knew what would help me.  Before saying "Hello", he said " Don't doubt yourself" three times in a row.  I always went back to that when I would start with the "what if's". Of course we would change anything to go back and time and save our partners, but it only hurts us to think that way.  We have to accept what happened and learn to live with it and remember their love, that's all we can do.

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My second husband died essentially of heart failure. He died in his sleep, and I was away visiting friends. I worked 26 years as a physical therapist and had ?how many? patients with heart failure in my career - and I didn’t recognize any symptoms in my own husband. But again - he was a competent adult and hated going to doctors and I promised him I would allow him to take care of himself. His mother had been very intrusive about these kinds of things and he didn’t want me nagging him. I didn’t. If I had recognized anything serious, I would have found a way to talk to him. But I didn’t. And he is gone. And that isn’t my fault. It is hard accepting that reality, but it is true. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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I know I"m not alone in this.....  you understand, right? 

I think we really know that we aren't to blame.  But thinking that we should have seen, should have known, could have done better, somehow makes us think we have some control. But the truth of it is that we couldn't do anything to change it. We couldn't control it. It had a life of its own.  We just have to survive it.  (((hugs)))

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Obviously by the replies, you are not alone RAM.  I have come to believe that if I lacked the somewhat spurious excuses for guilt that I would have to invent some completely contrived excuses.   I needed a good cry this AM and your thread gave me that.  Thanks  ...  sorta.

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There's not a day that I don't think of him without regret about not doing more.  I've come to accept that maybe it would not have made a difference, but I'll never know.  I tried my best, but the woulda, shoulda, couldas run a loop in my mind.   Yep, like others here I understand.  

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In the early days I did the same thing. It was selfish and I knew it. If I did something differently he would still have been there with me. The early grief is so cruel. Just today I thought of one now obvious thing I should have done. It's almost twelve years and those thought still happen. They don't paralyze me now. Still this widow thing is a B!

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@RyanAmysMom Yes I do understand it. I should have gone with Ken to A&E 3 days after his first sepsis symptoms occurred. Even though I didn't know it was sepsis I felt something wasn't right. And even though I was reminding Ken to mention his symptoms (shivering, vomiting etc) to them, I chose to stay home to finish of the essay for my University.  Had I gone with him that day, sepsis might have been detected earlier and Ken could still be here today. Or might have not but I will never know and have to leave with the guilt till I die.

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For me the shoulda...woulda...coulda ebbs and flows.

 

Sometimes I sayshoulda...woulda...coulda .

 

But more often now I think HE shoulda...woulda...coulda.........how was I supposed to know how his body was feeling?

 

And yet in reality there is no one to blame , He had a defective heart.

He tried to live a healthy life,  and maybe because he did succeed in being very fit that he didn't notice the symptoms of his heart attack ........or maybe he chose to ignore them.

 

In the end it is what it is 

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I do wish I’d done some things differently...and for a long time felt I could have prevented my husband’s death....sigh 

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