Speechless

[faye]

I can't speak to other cultures and countries, I've only lived in New England.

 

The problem, as I see it, isn't this young man.  The problem is that as a North American culture, we avoid real death, talking about real death, dealing with real death. And frankly, the people who pile on with calling everyone and his brother DGIs aren't part of the solution. It strikes me as bigoted.  Of course, people are going to say the wrong things. They haven't had the loss, and have spent the better part of their lives trying not to think about it. Are there any "right" things to say, other than "I'm so sorry?"  And who among us hasn't bumbled through a funeral or said something stupid on hearing someone died...until it was *our* loss and *our* spouse.  And the right thing to say varies with the situation. I've heard people say, "____ is in a better place" and sometimes thought "No, ___had a lot to do here, still," and other times  thought, "I hope so. ____sure wasn't happy here."

 

Death here in North America is treated as entertainment. You can buy Grand theft Auto and kill video characters to your heart's content.  Police dramas on TV and "psychological dramas" are nothing more than 44 minutes of watching someone be tortured interrupted by the Chantrix turkey. Widows and widowers no longer dress in black, then gray, then lavender to mark the passing of a loved one. Is it any wonder a young-ish man who probably hasn't lost a peer, parent or lover is uncomfortable with being confronted with death (and yes, nervous smiling is a common response.) It isn't personal. It isn't intentional. It's pretty annoying and maybe hurtful, but we are in a unique position to educate others.

The very first time someone said "ex-husband" to me, I looked him in the eye and corrected him frankly, firmly, on the spot. "Late husband, dear. I didn't leave him." A girl (I'd say woman, she's of that age, but not mature) spent a freaking hour showing me pictures of potential dates, before I'd even had my husband's memorial service. I kept waiting for her to realize how inappropriate that was. She never did. You know what? She's emotionally crippled. I feel bad for her. 

 

And I've dealt with the stupidity, too, We all have. You wanna hear something ironic? One call, one, to Philllip Morris was all it took to stop the Marlborough miles rubbish being sent to the house.  The health insurance company, who paid for his last visit to the hospital sent stuff addressed to Late husband for six years.

 

 

[sudnlysngl]

On ‎8‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 9:16 PM, soloact said:

". Some people should not deal with the public.  

 

 

this sentence says it all.....

[faye]

I didn't bury my husband for a couple years.He'd been cremated. When It was finally time to bury him, I realized how many things funeral directors take care of, behind the scenes, because I was doing it. It was a hassle, only a couple things went as they should, notably getting a flag for the interment ceremony. They come from the post office. I don't know why. I printed off the form, slid it across the counter, and the employee looked at me and immediately said, "I'm sorry for your loss." She was gone a long time. When she re-appeared, she apologized for not having any flags. She had carefully read the form and started calling all the post offices between where I lived and where I worked to see who did have flags, so I wouldn't "be on a wild goose chase," and gave the the addresses of two nearby that had flags in stock.

 

The  thing I really needed was a certificate from Late Husband's cremation (Silly, I had the brass box right there, but whatever.) I just couldn't find it. It had been taped to the bottom of the box, but tape doesn't stick very well to felt. I did have a copy of the bill from the funeral home, listing the "ABC Company." I called ABC, and the woman was kind of snotty and said , said,"It's taped to the bottom of the box." Yes, I said, it had been, but I've lost it. She told me to get it from the funeral home, Well, I had asked, but they weren't getting back to me. When she heard which funeral home, she insisted, "They don't send them here, they send them to XYZ." Maybe they usually do, I said, but I have the bill right in front of me, and all i need is for you to email me a copy of the cremation certificate. Nope, not a chance.  The funeral home never did follow up for me, and luckily, I found that piece of paper. It had fallen off the bottom of the urn on top of other papers in the wastebasket.  I did make a copy of that, and snail-mailed it to them. I included the suggestion that maybe whomever answers the phone be trained to have some compassion for the bereaved. Unlike a bank, *all* their customers are dealing with a loss.

[sudnlysngl]

On ‎8‎/‎16‎/‎2019 at 8:33 PM, faye said:

I can't speak to other cultures and countries, I've only lived in New England.

 

The problem, as I see it, isn't this young man.  The problem is that as a North American culture, we avoid real death, talking about real death, dealing with real death. And frankly, the people who pile on with calling everyone and his brother DGIs aren't part of the solution. It strikes me as bigoted.  Of course, people are going to say the wrong things. They haven't had the loss, and have spent the better part of their lives trying not to think about it. Are there any "right" things to say, other than "I'm so sorry?"  And who among us hasn't bumbled through a funeral or said something stupid on hearing someone died...until it was *our* loss and *our* spouse.  And the right thing to say varies with the situation. I've heard people say, "____ is in a better place" and sometimes thought "No, ___had a lot to do here, still," and other times  thought, "I hope so. ____sure wasn't happy here."

 

Death here in North America is treated as entertainment. You can buy Grand theft Auto and kill video characters to your heart's content.  Police dramas on TV and "psychological dramas" are nothing more than 44 minutes of watching someone be tortured interrupted by the Chantrix turkey. Widows and widowers no longer dress in black, then gray, then lavender to mark the passing of a loved one. Is it any wonder a young-ish man who probably hasn't lost a peer, parent or lover is uncomfortable with being confronted with death (and yes, nervous smiling is a common response.) It isn't personal. It isn't intentional. It's pretty annoying and maybe hurtful, but we are in a unique position to educate others.

The very first time someone said "ex-husband" to me, I looked him in the eye and corrected him frankly, firmly, on the spot. "Late husband, dear. I didn't leave him." A girl (I'd say woman, she's of that age, but not mature) spent a freaking hour showing me pictures of potential dates, before I'd even had my husband's memorial service. I kept waiting for her to realize how inappropriate that was. She never did. You know what? She's emotionally crippled. I feel bad for her. 

 

And I've dealt with the stupidity, too, We all have. You wanna hear something ironic? One call, one, to Philllip Morris was all it took to stop the Marlborough miles rubbish being sent to the house.  The health insurance company, who paid for his last visit to the hospital sent stuff addressed to Late husband for six years.

 

 

Although I completely agree with what you are saying you left out one thing. I must say the most important thing in my opinion.

The lesson my dear starts at HOME when people are young! The things you speak of here are taught out and about in society, but when one is taught properly at home, then they know what to do when faced with the situation when it is presented to them whenever or however in life!

Just saying,  I know for me that's when I was taught no matter how uncomfortable it was, and I was prepared when the time came for me at work when I was even younger....

Sadly it just doesn't happen anymore.

[Bubu27]

I agree with all you all have said. Some people haven't experienced it so don't have a clue how to react, some haven't but have empathy and good manners so will say the right thing (or at least nothing overly stupid), some have experienced what we all have but are a few more years down the line and their perspective has shifted. And some are just plain evil and shouldn't open their mouths. Ever. That's all in a private domain. In a professional environment though, in any customer-facing job, I think it should be forbidden to say anything else then a simple I am so sorry and move on from the subject. That should be a default reaction. 

 

It has been 3yrs and 7months today by the way. I often think about that day, 11:56am on a fucking 19th Jan 2016, or the moment I was told,  or when I left hospital to go home that day, or when they opened the coffin and I saw Ken one day before the funeral, or the morning of the funeral when I woke up etc and going back there I still cannot imagine what it must have been like, what was going through my head, how did I manage to cope. It is so weird and surreal. I know I was there and I know it all happened,  but now I cannot imagine going through this. I get all shaky by trying to go back to those moments, it's like they are the worst possible scenario and wouldn't be able to take it (which I did because it had already happened).

 

Does it make sense? and apologies for drifting off the subject

 

 

[tybec]

 

Quote

 

It has been 3yrs and 7months today by the way. I often think about that day, 11:56am on a fucking 19th Jan 2016, or the moment I was told,  or when I left hospital to go home that day, or when they opened the coffin and I saw Ken one day before the funeral, or the morning of the funeral when I woke up etc and going back there I still cannot imagine what it must have been like, what was going through my head, how did I manage to cope. It is so weird and surreal. I know I was there and I know it all happened,  but now I cannot imagine going through this. I get all shaky by trying to go back to those moments, it's like they are the worst possible scenario and wouldn't be able to take it (which I did because it had already happened).

 

 

Yes, this makes sense. Jan. 20th for me.  I was awaiting the news, my LH to get back to me, him not answering his phone.  His boss/friend texting he wasn't at work yet. The radio stating there had been a wreck on the road he traveled. The Adele song that played as I tried to get ready and get my son to school and not believe the worst although I had already cried in the shower, knowing my LH would not return a call unless he could not, and there were only two reasons he could not. 

I heard that Adele song two times in one day last week. I listened and I could hear it without a flashback to those moments, but I still chose to change stations.  7 1/2 yrs. 

 

Surreal.

[faye]

15 hours ago, sudnlysngl said:

Although I completely agree with what you are saying you left out one thing. I must say the most important thing in my opinion.

The lesson my dear starts at HOME when people are young!

I guess that's my point. Young people are so damn protected from *everything* real and unfortunate that they don't know what to say or how to act.  In addition to that, poor behavior is excused a lot. We're all so consumed with how the little tykes ***feel*** and don't expand that into teaching them that others' feelings count, as well.  How in the world is a person supposed to empathize with a huge loss, when the only experience he has is killing characters in video games? And reading customer service websites...there are parents who let Johnnie try to buy GTA with his own money at nine or ten years old, then berate the clerk for not allowing it.

[Bubu27]

16 hours ago, tybec said:

Yes, this makes sense. Jan. 20th for me.  I was awaiting the news, my LH to get back to me, him not answering his phone.  His boss/friend texting he wasn't at work yet. The radio stating there had been a wreck on the road he traveled. The Adele song that played as I tried to get ready and get my son to school and not believe the worst although I had already cried in the shower, knowing my LH would not return a call unless he could not, and there were only two reasons he could not. 

I heard that Adele song two times in one day last week. I listened and I could hear it without a flashback to those moments, but I still chose to change stations.  7 1/2 yrs. 

 

Looks like you "knew" before you actually got the news. I "knew" to. One day before Ken passed away I was outside ICU crying and was SOOOOOOOO devastated and I could feel what was coming. There was this woman and she was trying to console me saying her husband who was much older then Ken had been in the same position and recovered. But I knew Ken wouldn't. I just knew. A few days earlier Ken had already been in an induced coma and one of his sister told me her son had a dream that Ken's mum was standing by his hospital bed in ICU. I told her I hope she is not going to take Ken away. But she did.