It's getting harder - not easier

[laurie27]

I'm not sure why, maybe someone can help me with this, but it seems harder now. I am crying all the time and I feel more lonely than ever. Even when I am with people I feel so alone!!! It's driving me crazy. Maybe I need to see a counselor or try a Grief Share group. I don't know where to turn. Even my work isn't enough right now. Or is this just a phase I am going through because the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in, just like the title says.

[BrokenHeart2]

I'm sorry to say laurie27 that I too found as time went on it became harder and yes I have to agree about the title.  At least that is how it worked for me as well.  I got counselling and it did help me.  Be gentle with yourself and go with it. Early out I read a statement that really stuck with me and helped me get through it.  "If you're going through hell, just keep going."  It made me feel like I wasn't alone going through hell.

Hugs to you.

[laurie27]

Thank you for the affirmation, at least I know I am not alone, it does get harder. I like the statement, because yes it does feel like I am going through hell, I'll just keep going.

[Toosoon2.0]

I didn't really fall apart until about month 7.  I mean, I wasn't ok but I was functioning up to that point.  I had a very hard time during the second half of the first year.  I tried very hard those first few months to run from grieving by staying busy and trying to keep everything the same as it was before but it eventually backfired spectacularly. In fact, I remember the exact moment when I thought to myself, "OMG, this is actually real.  I'm going to have to deal with this."  

 

The lesson I learned was that I was going to have to "sit with it" for a while, let it wash over me and through me so that I could start to come out on the other side of it, which, for me began around 15 months.  At that point, I felt steadier.  I still wasn't ok but I was better.  I felt like I could carry my grief.  

 

Feeling alone/out of place in social situations is something I experienced, as well.  My solution to that was to isolate myself.  I do not recommend this.  This, too, backfired.  Fortunately, because I had a little kid, there were things I had to go to so that forced me out.  To be honest, I am still quite reclusive, which I never was before.  One thing I did do was identify a small circle of people who I trusted could "take me as I am" and I maintained close relationships with them and that helped me get out more.  I also went out alone to gigs and bars and talked to strangers or to no one at all, just places where no one new the (very public) story of my husband's illness and death.  

 

And I leaned in on the former iteration of this board to reassure myself that I was not, in fact, losing my mind, just as you have done with your post (you're not). 

 

So yes, it does get harder but it also gets better in time.  Time was my very best friend in grief.  Sending virtual support and solidarity.  

[laurie27]

Wow Toosoon, yes that does sound like exactly what I am going through. I made myself a promise way back in the beginning, I have to leave the house once a day, even if I just pick up a can of cat food, and I have to interact with someone, even if it is just the clerk. Then I added that I had to make someone smile, even a stranger just to say "Cute shirt!". So I am trying to make sure I don't isolate too much, but, as you know, it gets hard some days. Thank you for writing. The solidarity of coming to this site has helped me so much. I have looked back at my own posts and realize how much I have changed  in the last seven months and reading other people's thoughts I realize the changes are only beginning. Happy Fall everyone. I'll close with a photo of my Fall Quilt, named "Falling Leaves".

 

 

[Julester3]

Grief ebbs and flows. I am at 3.5 years out and that is what I have learned mainly. I let the crying come because to bottle it up just makes it harder to bounce back. Hugs! Beautiful quilt! 

[donswife]

Laurie27- I do remember this . 

I think in the beginning you are in shock and your body and brain are in auto pilot.

Once some time goes by it hits  harder as the reality of this can't be avoided...like they really aren't coming home...sigh.

but keep doing what you can , getting out everyday ,even if just for cat food :) is a good way to keep connected.

Becoming isolated is so tempting but can be hard to get out of that habit once it starts

Don't get me wrong hunkering down on the couch watching netflix for hours can also sooth the soul.

Hugs to you 

[Love2fish]

Thank you Laurie27.  You voiced very clearly what many of us are still experiencing.  I'm glad I'm not the only one.