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MIL goes off


rooshy
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I was speaking with DH's mother over Labor Day weekend.  She will occasionally call em to see what's going on with me and the kids.  That day, she asked me how my mom was doing - mom had a bout with Sepsis last summer.  DH died of Sepsis in January 2011.

 

The problem is that I took DH, the weekend of his passing, to a different hospital than what MIL would have gone to.  I had him taken to Dublin Methodist hospital and MIL feels he should have gone to Riverside Methodist hospital.  The two hospitals are part of the same group, Ohio Health.  DH developed sepsis after not being treated for a urinary tract infection.  The weekend he died was a culmination of depression and anxiety, taking place over two years, over DH not finding a job.  The irony is that he was offered a few high paying jobs with very good benefits  but turned them down because they were outside his field of civil engineering.  One position was for the federal government and the other was a union job.  He was too proud to take those jobs🤯.  DH would have preferred us go into financial hell rather than take a union job that paid more than a civil engineering position.  DH also had a short temper.  My sons and I spent those last two years of DH's life walking on eggshells around him hoping he wouldn't lose that temper.  DH was buying things for himself but there was never enough money to save for a family trip or pay extra on bills.  He was begging his family members for money, behind my back, rather than take a part time job.  So, by the time he became ill with sepsis, I had enough and was taking charge.  I had him taken to Dublin Methodist hospital.  

 

When I spoke to MIL on Labor Day weekend a few weeks ago, she claimed that she's heard "A lot of bad things about that hospital.  But it's all water under the bridge anyway."  It has been nearly nine years since DH passed away.  Why is she bringing this up now?  What does it matter now?  DH professed early in our marriage that he was a mama's boy.  I don't think that she would ever find fault with him.  Thanks for reading my long post.

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Some mothers cannot let go. I can’t even talk to MIL without getting attacked in that special, nice passive aggressive way on my shortcomings. I no longer talk to her or call her. If something needs to be said, it will be an email. IMO, the more these types of moms have time to think on it, the more they come up with a theory of what ifs and what could have been and need to justify the failure of the situation (losing their son). Hope this doesn’t continue for you. 

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I am sorry you are dealing with this.  It is easy for someone who is not doing the day to day to make a judgement call about a call made.  

I literally had this conversation this a.m. with one brother. My other brother was widowed in 2013, a year after me.  His wife had cancer, and he had the gold card insurance and she had every treatment available including trials.  My brother did  it all.  After she died, her daughter asked my brother (her stepfather) why he did not take her to the hospital sooner.  WELL, where was she for the 4 1/2 yrs her mother had cancer? Not doing anything but phone calls.  She had married, was working and working on her master's degree.  But my brother holds that one question in his mind now. I hope he has healed from it. But it is awful.

 

I told my brother it really says more about the stepdaughter. Her guilt and no assistance so blame him.  Her stuff, but she laid it on him. 

 

I understand.  So sorry.

 

 

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  • 3 months later...

When I called my MIL to inform her I was putting my husband in hospice her first response was "why?"  Seriously.....where have you been in the last 16 months?  She then calls me back about an hour later and informs me that her and her oldest daughter were on their way to OUR home.  They come to my house with the other daughter.  By this time my husband is pretty much comatose.  I had called the hospice to let them know what was going on and if they could come and explain to them about hospice.  By this time I was so emotionally and physically drained.  I called one of my sisters for reinforcements.  The youngest SIL started making demands as to why visiting nurse was not utilized.  My insurance did NOT pay for 24 hour care.  Also my husband was in his final days of life.  Less than 2 days he passed in our home...........literally hours after I/we paid off our home.  Looking back no way would I have allowed them into my house.  But as I said they were always saying this and saying that about the treatment he was getting.  But his diagnosis was terminal.  They were in denial.  At the funeral NOT one of them would stand with me in the receiving line.  My MIL sat on the other side of the room giving me scathing looks when a male person would give me a hug.  They were either co-workers, friends and family.  Like I was looking for a replacement already.  After the service they walked out and still NOT one freaking word.  The next day at the church they all show up 1/2 late for the service.  We were just about to walk down the aisle when they came in.  But when it came time for the luncheon afterwards guess who was the first to be there?  All of this on MY dime.  So my thought is...............my In-laws can all go F**K themselves.  I have absolutely no relationship with them.  Earlier this year my MIL passed away and I was NOT even mentioned in her obit as the surviving spouse of her only son.  So...............

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I'm sorry you all have had to deal with that. It has to make your grieving even more difficult. My inlaws are the opposite. I remember my mil holding me while I screamed and cried uncontrollably that first night at home. I blamed myself. I kept screaming about things I could have said or done to change the outcome. My husband died at the Simon cancer center in Indianapolis. My mil reassured me that it wasn't my fault. That I couldn't have done anything differently. She and everyone else knew how much I loved and cared for him throughout our whole marriage and how supportive I was throughout his treatments. She still tells me that. My fil does too. They said they lost a son, but gained a daughter. His sisters call me their sister too. Truly blessed. 

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  • 3 months later...

Virgo, I am so glad for you. It is so important to have a support system during the intensity of greif. This thread speaks to me because my MIL and I finally made peace once my husband started to become very ill and eventually died. I am grateful for her gentle approach even now. However, I was not respected by in many ways by other in-laws and people I thought were friends of ours. Turns out these people never wanted a relationship with me and in the wake of my husband's death I was shocked and devastated by their treatment of me. I cannot control other people's actions, and so, when possible, I focus on being grateful for the people who came to support me and still do (Though this was not possible in early greif for me...baby steps). It's awful to say, but going through this and hearing from many others made me realize it's common to have other people hurt you in your greatest time of sorrow. However, I'm also relieved to know that the actions of these thoughtless and selfish people don't speak for my worth or yours, instead they speak for their own. 

Edited by Lopez
Grammer edit
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