Why I hate and no longer celebrate NYE

[Bubu27]

Another New Year's Eve and another awful time that will last from today till 2nd Feb

 

On New Year's Eve 2015 Ken felt unwell. He woke me up at 3am, shivering yet baking hot. He started throwing up violently so I helped him to the bath and started cleaning the bedroom. Next morning he was weak, a little feverish but we put it down on his hangover. The very same day though he started limping and couldn't put any pressure on his left foot. Again, we thought he must have slipped in the bath. 2 days later, Sunday 3rd Jan, since his condition wasn't improving, we called his son and he helped Ken to A&E. I stayed home finishing an essay for my studies. Something I will never forgive myself for. I asked Ken a million times to mention vomiting, shivering and high fever but he didn't. He went to A&E with his left foot and that's what he focused on. Had I gone with him as every good wife would, I would have mentioned those symptoms and he could have been saved.

For the next few days Ken was feeling pretty much the same, little feverish, feeling hot and cold in turns, no appetite. Common cold symptoms so no alarms bells rang. On 6th Jan I called him on my lunch break and  noticed his speech was a bit slurred, still no appetite but other then this he seemed OK. When I came home though around 7pm I found him in bed, looking feverish and confused. Only then he told me he was in pain allover, couldn't move and didn't get out of bed all day. He asked for a bottle of cold Fanta so I run to the shop to get him one. On my way back I stopped by our neighbour. When I told him about Ken, he said it was time to call an ambulance. I tried to help Ken get dressed but it was impossible, his body was stiff and he couldn't move a single muscle. When paramedics finally arrived, they injected Ken with some strong painkillers, covered him with blankets, put in the wheelchair and we went to hospital. It didn't cross my mind that would be the last time my husband left home.

On 7th Jan Ken celebrated Christmas so I left work early to buy him some underwear and pyjamas (I didn't pack anything the previous evening).I wrapped it up in a golden paper as a proper Christmas gift. When I saw Ken in hospital, he was awake but more confused then the day before. He looked at me, smiled but then fell fast asleep. He managed to call the nurse and say - This is my Christmas gift from my wife, before dozing off. He was so happy and proud. A few hours later, with Ken fast asleep and just as I was ready to go home, his doctor came and said they just discovered what was wrong -Ken had blood poisoning and they said they were very worried about him. They also said he needed an emergency back surgery the very same evening so they put us in an ambulance and transferred to another specialist hospital. I remember being so shocked by this sudden news that I started vomiting in the ambulance. Once in hospital they took Ken straight to the theatre and the surgery started. One of the consultants came up to me and said it was cauda equina and had we come a few hours later, Ken would have been paralysed from waist down. I thought it was our lucky day.

Surgery finished at 3am. When I went to see Ken afterwards, he seemed more alert and in less pain but hallucinating. His nurse assured me that was normal after such a procedure. 

In the next few days Ken's condition wasn't improving. He was on intravenous antibiotics to treat septicaemia but nothing seemed to be working. He was in pain, still confused, still hallucinating and still falling asleep half way through a sentence. On Tue 12th Jan late in the evening one of the doctors took me to one side and said they discovered new murmurs in Ken's heart and that he needed an emergency open heart surgery to replace 3 of his heart valves. I remember asking him if my husband was going to die but he said No, his young and his heart is healthy. The same evening we were transferred to another specialist hospital and the surgery was scheduled for Thursday 14th Jan at 7:30am - they wanted to wait for one of the best surgeons in the country to perform it. The next day, Wed 13th Jan Ken was in a really bad state - barely able to breath or talk, confused and asleep most of the time. I told him I would come to see him one hour before the surgery, 6:30am the next day (nurses agreed). When I arrived after 6am the next morning, to my astonishment Ken was his usual self, fully alert but unusually quiet (he wasn't that alert since he was first admitted on 7th Jan). I laid my head on his chest, we hugged and that's how our last hour together was. Around 7:30am they came to take him to the theatre, I walked with him all the way, kissed him and said I would be there when he woke up. He never did.

They said the surgery would last around 3 hrs if all was well. It lasted 7. They didn't let me see Ken after the surgery. He was put in an induced coma and transferred to ICU. The next day, Friday 15th I was told his blood pressure dropped dangerously low in the morning and they almost lost him. When I saw him in ICU, under all the cables, tubes and noisy machinery, I almost collapsed - thanks God his sister was holding me. Sat 16th Jan he was still in a coma and I was slowly starting to break. I think it was then that I realised how serious it was. Even then though it wouldn't cross my mind Ken could die. On Sun 18th Jan I came to see Ken in the morning. I remember it was snowing (which is rather unusual in London). I was holding Ken's hand telling him about the weather outside, how much I loved him and that I was waiting for him and that my mum was coming to stay with me that evening. On Monday 18th I was told that gangrene developed on Ken's feet and they would need to be amputated. They also told me Ken might have already had a stroke and be brain damaged but they couldn't confirm as he was still is a coma. We agreed they would start waking him up the next day. When I talked to Ken that day Monday 18th and asked him to show me he can hear me, he would blink as an answer to my questions. Despite all that I was told by his doctor, I still had hope.

On Tue 19th Jan I was in hospital 11.10am (ICU visiting times). They didn't let me in and asked to wait in the hallway. I saw commotion and Ken being rushed to the theatre. I KNEW that was it. Some 20mins later his doctor came out and told me my husband passed away. I didn't believe him but he wasn't lying. Ken died. 11:56am on a fucking Tue 19th Jan 2016 from sepsis and infective endocarditis. His heart literally fell apart and so did mine.

 

2nd Feb was his funeral.

 

 

[tybec]

I am so very sorry. And I understand. My wedding anniversary was the 29th of Dec.  It's NYE, and I am alone, been sick all week.  And my husband died on Jan. 20.  The whole holiday season is a mess. Each year I think it is going to get easier. In some ways it has, but  grief is still there.  Lingering.

 

You had a lot of trauma for a long period of time. So difficult. Wishing you some peace in the pain.

Edited December 31, 2019 by tybec

[marian53]

I am so very sorry for your loss of Ken. My Pete died 1/1/2007 after a horrible work accident that left him crippled at home for almost 9 months. I just want to tell you, you were a marvelous wife to the end, and you needed to finish that essay that night.  It took me a long time to accept New Year's  Day and all it's so-called promises, when all but me were complete and content.

I never come to this site really anymore, but tonight I felt I owed it to Peter. I am glad I did.

Marian

[Bubu27]

On 12/31/2019 at 11:50 PM, tybec said:

I am so very sorry. And I understand. My wedding anniversary was the 29th of Dec.  It's NYE, and I am alone, been sick all week.  And my husband died on Jan. 20.  The whole holiday season is a mess. Each year I think it is going to get easier. In some ways it has, but  grief is still there.  Lingering.

 

You had a lot of trauma for a long period of time. So difficult. Wishing you some peace in the pain.

Looks like Christmas/NY period is equally hard for you too. I too thought it would get easier but it doesn't. Each year I re-live what had happened day by day. Let's hang in there together x

 

On 1/1/2020 at 3:56 AM, marian53 said:

I never come to this site really anymore, but tonight I felt I owed it to Peter. I am glad I did.

 

I am glad you did too. Ken was 53 when he passed away so your ID is Ken's wink from Heaven  And thank you for you kind words but deep down I know I should have gone with him to A&E that day. With sepsis every hour counts - the earlier it is caught, the more chances one has to survive. He had his first clear symptoms on NYE and if you think we went to hospital late on 6th and Ken only got diagnosed in the evening of 7th Jan, you will see why I still feel guilt. Not that I think about i all the time (like I did in the first year or so) but there will always be a part of me wondering what if..

 

 

[Virgo]

I felt the moment my husband died too. I'm so sorry for your loss. The "what if's" we torture ourselves with are pure hell. We can't think about it like that.