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Omitted from sister's obit


patswife22
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First a little bit of history.  I will TRY to keep it short.  I lost my husband February 2007.  Devastating as you can imagine.  Fast forward to 2010.  Youngest sister moves in with me.  She has health issues.  One rule in my home........NO smoking in my home.  However, for my sister no smoking AT my house.  Within a couple of days of her moving in I had hip replacement surgery.  When I got home I found evidence that she was smoking at my home.  After repeated warnings I had to ask her to leave.  See she was ON oxygen and smoking.  Because of her actions while living in my home it seemed she was telling a couple of siblings that all I did was yell at her.  NO SMOKING!!!  Ah duh.  When I was able to get around my home with a walker I would always mention to this sister that she had to keep her tubing out of my way as I could easily trip on it.  She would send texts or emails that all I did was yell at her.  In the 6 months she lived with me 2 of my sisters never stepped foot in my house to help me.  Another sister of mine came over to take me to needed doctor appointments.  So these 2 sisters had absolutely no idea what was going on other than what this inconsiderate sister told them.  They never asked me.  When the day came for this sister to move out words were exchanged between a niece of mine and I.  I finally told them all to get the hell out of my house.  Eventually this one sister passed 6 years later.  She refused to take the advice from doctors and/or family members.  This was in 2016.  Of this one sister who helped move out our inconsiderate sister, she and her family totally ignored me and my SO at the funeral.  They walked right past us and NOT one word.  Even her best friend would NOT talk to us.  However, when my sister and her family left her best friend then came up to me and talked to me.  WOW!!!!  Talk about control.  This one sister who helped move out this one inconsiderate sister became ill 3 months ago with brain cancer.  Just before Christmas I took my daughter in to see her aunt.  My one niece came into the room and took one look at me and asked "what are you doing here?"  I told her I just got here.  She then proceeds to tell me not too long.  Three days after Christmas my sister passes.  After another sibling of mine tells me to check the obit online I couldn't believe what I saw.  My brother, two of my older sisters and I were completely left out of the obit.  Well not really it stated we were "other siblings".  This sister wouldn't have met her husband without OUR brother.  Her husband and our brother were friends....roommates and he was left out.  The obit listed her in-laws and even friends.........but not all of her siblings.  One of my sisters and I will attend the service but will stay far enough away.  Had dinner with my brother yesterday and he said when he saw my sisters two "grieving" daughters they ran up to him in tears and told him how nice it was to see him.  But they couldn't list him in the obit.  I on the other hand have now considered my late sister's family................dead to me.  I will no longer have anything to do with any of them.  I found out that my sister, husband and the 2 daughters wrote the obit.  This was told to me by my brother at dinner as told to him by our BIL.

Edited by patswife22
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What the freaking heck? That’s just rude especially to your brother who introduced them. You can’t hang out with toxic self centered people like that even if they happen to be related to you. You were more than outstanding to still plan to attend. I’m not sure I could after all that past drama. You just don’t do that to family. So sorry you had to deal with this!

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Patswife, this may sound harsh but honestly, it isn't meant to be. 

 

You knew they were a**holes long ago. The family continues to be even after a death. 

 

I know you were hoping for better from them but they weren't capable of it. It really is that simple. 

 

Sorry - Mike

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patswife, I'm sorry they hurt you. It was uncalled for and shows them up for what they are. This is not about you at all. Still it hurts.

 

Mike's comment reminded me of a convo I had years ago with a cemetery secretary. She told me some of the things family members do after a death to be spiteful or continue a feud. The most common was serving a TRO on the cemetery office as the funeral procession is en route or at the gravesite. The cemetery has extra open graves for this type of problem and will contact the funeral home to advise or flag them down at the entrance if necessary to divert. The goal is to make this the least disruptive as possible to mourners. Process servers usually phone the cemetery to give a heads up and facilitate the rerouting. 

 

The one that was difficult to believe was a person who arrived after everything was over and fired a shot into the grave.

 

People who are nuts during life continue to be nuts after the death.

 

I'm very sorry this happened to you. You deserve much better.

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Wow Patswife, like you I have learned only to well how people change after death.  I'm sorry you have this to deal with.  They sound like my 2 sisters.... they have shocked me by their actions. 2 of my 3 brothers have been there for me as much as they can in this past 6.5 yrs and for that I am very thankful.

Hugs.

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While my brother was still in town my SO (significant other) and I arranged to go to go out to eat.  He was out earlier in the day with some friends of his and our BIL.  He asked them if they wanted to join us?  My BIL asked who was going.  My brother mentioned my SO and me.  My BIL told him "I'm not going if XXXX is going to be there".  Turned out it was just the 3 of us.  How freaking cold.  I hope I never run into him EVER.  Him and his 2 kids.  They ever want or need anything they can just keep moving past me.  I mean they have all of those other family members and friends to help.  

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Wow! These are "blood" relatives of yours? I'm sorry, but that in inexcusable!

My husband passed away in 2010. About a year later, my sister-in-law stopped having anything to do with me (when she learned I was in a new relationship). Fast-forward to this past year when my MIL passed away. I was not mentioned in the obit. I was not surprised, but I was still offended. It is really sad how "small" some people can be.

 

My advice - as hard as this may be, perhaps write a letter to the inconsiderate relatives. Express your side of the story (which clearly they never heard). At the end of the letter, leave it up to them to get in touch if they wish. Tell them you have no hard feelings and then put it behind you. Forgiveness can be cathartic. Holding onto bad feelings will only end up hurting you more over time.

 

Good luck!

DonnaP

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DonnaP:

I already know what their reply will be.  My BIL already told my brother that he did not want to partake in dinner with me.  My brother was out to coffee with our BIL and some other mutual friends.  He asked the guys if they wanted to go out that night for dinner.  When my BIL asked my brother who would be there my brother mentioned my name.  My BIL said I don't want to be any where XXXX will be.  So to forgive and forget?  Not going to happen here.  With these people they do not want to hear MY side of the story.  Their mother have them all fooled that this whole thing is/was my fault.  But of course, they do not know the whole thing and frankly they do NOT want to hear.  I imagine I will never hear from them EVER again just like my In-Laws.  So for me family is NOT everything to me.  I am happy making new friends who are truly family to me.  NOTE:  my significant other's family have welcomed me with open arms.  I call them family now.  

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