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DonnaP

Is this grief, or something else?

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So, ... coming up on 10 years since I lost my best friend/husband of 23 years, 11 months. I miss him still, and I miss the life we shared. SO much has changed since he died.

 

1. I remarried - a wonderful man, a widower, who I through YWBB (the predecessor of this website).

2. I am working full time, versus the free-lance jobs I held before he died.

3. Perhaps the biggest change lately - both of my sons got married in 2019.

 

I've been pondering what my life will be like going forward and I'm sad to think that my sons will be more involved with their wives' families than with ours. That is the way of things, or so I've been told.

 

After Mick died, my two sons and I bonded together. We said we'd always be there for each other, and so far we have. But, as we've moved forward, we have each gone in our own direction. One son lives in NYC with his wife, while the other is still close by. Everyone is working; everyone is busy. I get that. I have been trying to be unobtrusive and let them live their lives. But I don't think they know how much I still need them to be a part my life. Not every day, but certainly more frequently than just a couple times a year.

 

I wonder, is this still leftover from the grief? Would I be feeling this way if Mick were still alive?

 

Just rambling... Thanks for listening.

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I'm no professional.... but it sounds a little like PTSD, a little codependent, a little needy, a lot like grief...... and it's all really really normal.  Feeling how you're feeling is very normal.  Your children growing up and establishing their own lives is normal.  Missing them desperately is normal.  

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5 hours ago, DonnaP said:

I wonder, is this still leftover from the grief? Would I be feeling this way if Mick were still alive?

 

Just rambling... Thanks for listening.

 

 

Yes, most likely. All parents, whether they be married or remarried couples or single parents have these type of feelings when the kids move out and fully enter their own, separate adult lives. It's normal and natural but it sure gets you in the feels. 

 

It will be okay. We work hard to raise mature, independent children. 

 

Then, when they go and do it, there is that feeling of loss and it hurts. 

 

Perfectly normal. 

 

Best wishes - Mike

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I get you , I'm pondering similar thoughts. Not quite as far along the path as you but heading into what might be a similar situation. Semi adult sons, with girlfriends and me involved with my NG and spending a good portion of time living 1 hour away from my kids.

 

I keep thinking I have to check up on my sons......but I don't think they want /need me to. 

 

As you said they are busy living their lives. It's a bit confusing. That part  I think it's fairly normal.

 

The part for me that I think accents the separation that is normal as kids become independent is that I am also establishing a NEW independent life.It's like all 3 of us ( me and my 2 sons) having been looking and finding a partner all around the same time.We're all growing in new relationships. That's what makes it different then if they were just leaving the nest. In the end the nest will have changed.....and that makes keeping the personal connection ( keeping them part of your life)seem maybe more important.

 

So normal?? yes but complicated by the fact that we were widowed.

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Going through similar thoughts too, as my daughter leaves to get back to college and my son recently moved out on his own.  I miss my kids, yet I know that it's a good and correct thing for them to become independent.   I sure would like to be sharing this bittersweet stage of my kids' lives with my late husband.  I feel grief that my kids are leaving the nest, and I think the feelings are exaggerated by widowhood too.   

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On 1/11/2020 at 10:27 AM, trying2breathe said:

I feel grief that my kids are leaving the nest, and I think the feelings are exaggerated by widowhood too.    

That's pretty much it in a nutshell!

 

Thanks for the comments, everyone!

DonnaP

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