7 years today

[rifatheroffour]

It has been 7 years since my heart shattered. She was ill but we did not expect her death at the time it came, another five to ten years and I think I would not have been as shocked when it finally came. 

 

She left me with four children to finish raising on my own, the eldest was 3 weeks from his 16th birthday and the youngest, our only girl, was 5 weeks away from being 11 years old. The last 7 years have seen so many life milestones for the four of them, 3 HS and 1 college graduation, 4 new drivers, all of them dating, some serious some not, but she never got to meet any of the significant others.

 

There's so much of my life today that she has not had a direct connection with. I find myself feeling more and more distant from that day she left. I used to say it felt like forever and yet just yesterday at the same time. I do not feel that anymore and I don't know when that changed. It all just feels like another lifetime away.

 

Now I find myself trudging through life trying to make the best of what I have. Work is a constant struggle to wright the ship after too much neglect by me when she died. It's getting better but it exhausts me still. My kids are all in somewhat different directions and stages between, work, college, post college, senior year HS and thier own relationships with girl/boy friends. They are all good kids, not perfect, and I'm proud of how well they've kept themselves together in spite of the challenges of losing their mother who was so involved in their daily lives. Personally I've connected with two other women since my wife died. Both I had know in my life already, in hindsight both were probably not ready for a relationship. Both made my heart skip a beat and brought joy back into my shattered heart. I miss them both for different reasons. Yet I have no drive to find someone else at this time. There is a certain numbness in my life right now. I'm not sure I have the capacity to engage my personal life until I have a more secure feeling in both the stability of my kids lives and of my work life. This flies in the face of the fact that I know all too well how short life can be and that at any moment it could all be over. But I don't seem to care about that and I'm not sure why.

 

Thanks for listening to my ramble, there are very few places and people to whom I feel comfortable saying many of these things.

[Julester3]

I know how you feel. I’m just a step behind you and I have been experiencing a lot that you’ve mentioned with my 2 girls who were 16 and 12 when LH passed and are now 20 and 16. I’m in a relationship but I’m comfortable. I don’t know where to go with it exactly but neither do I want to hang out infinitely. It’s fine for now. I’m okay with that and it allows me to focus on my girls.

 

Hugs to you today! 

[tybec]

rifatheroffour,

I am right there with you.8 yrs. Monday is my sadiversary.  HOW?  So long ago. Another world , another life. I, too, have some numbness now.  What direction do I go?  What do I want to do?  My kid has 2 1/2 yrs. I have been so happy to get him grown so he could handle life as an adult, but then he will be an adult on his own.  After ending a 3.5 yr. relationship and jumping on line for dating a bit, no interest currently.  I don't understand it either. But I do get the feelings your describe.   Winter is hard, too.

Edited January 14, 2020 by tybec

[trying2breathe]

On 1/13/2020 at 10:01 PM, rifatheroffour said:

There's so much of my life today that she has not had a direct connection with. I find myself feeling more and more distant from that day she left. I used to say it felt like forever and yet just yesterday at the same time. I do not feel that anymore and I don't know when that changed. It all just feels like another lifetime away.

 

 

^This    I'm at 7 years this fall, and relate to what you are feeling.  My kids were 14 and 16 when he died, our lives are so very different now.  I wonder sometimes how he would feel if he was able to see all that our lives are now.   And I'm passive now on things that used to be important,  widowhood has put a perspective on things that makes me care less about certain things. 

 

[Forgottenwife]

On 1/13/2020 at 8:01 PM, rifatheroffour said:

There's so much of my life today that she has not had a direct connection with. I find myself feeling more and more distant from that day she left. I used to say it felt like forever and yet just yesterday at the same time. I do not feel that anymore and I don't know when that changed. It all just feels like another lifetime away.

 

Thank you for posting this, I'm coming up on 9 years this spring and I have some of these feelings. My husband wouldn't recognize so many things: my new career, a new community, our children have grown, we've welcomed new family members and sadly lost others. Its a different life. Even though I have a full and quite gentle life, I'm still sad he isn't here to see it, how I wish things were different.

[Captains wife]

I understand these writings.....very much. You have so much on your plate with 4 kids and a business.....as many of us have found, its hard to recouple especially when life is so busy. Almost 8 years here and Im only raising one child but its been tough with my work and child and living out in the suburbs. I have a decent social life but find myself wanting to stay home more and hang with my son and focus on work. My personal life, in terms of recoupling, has not been what I would call successful. But I am thankful to be in a better place than I used to be and happy that my son are happy together, despite our loss.

 

BTW - You are doing a great job with your kids - hugs to you.

[Adley]

I get it too man, today is her birthday and in a week it’ll be seven years...just needed to check in and tell everyone hello. Love to all, and thanks to everyone for the support in the past.

[PaulZ]

Glad to see others have some of these same feelings as time pass as well.