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I have been dating a widow now for almost 5 months.  

Edited by Stephen
changed mind

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I have to say this is one of the hardest things I have done.  While I myself am not a widower, this is the first widow I have ever dated.  The emotional roller coaster she goes through has a major emotional impact on me.  I almost feel that she is trying to sabotage the relationship at this point because she is not ready for it.

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Dating a widow is not easy, because she is understanding Life on a whole other level. Like, she no longer believes it when people say ‘it’s going to be fine’ or ‘don’t worry’ or ‘everyting always turns out for the best’ because she knows there are no guarantees and anyone can die at any minute. Being a widow is a total mindfuck. I never ever wanted to fall in love again because the thought of going through this shit twice terrified me. But here I am with someone again anyway. And, yeah, I hold myself back. And yeah, I’m ambivalent about so much now. I think widows are the best/worst partners. 

 

Good luck. 

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Quick update.  I broke off the dating after five months last week.  I felt that after five months of dating we should have been able to define our relationship as committed.  However, she was unwilling to agree to a committed relationship.  

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All I can say is that you have dated just one widow for 5 months. That doesn’t necessarily define all women or all widows or all of anything. There are many people -  male, female, genderqueer, straight, gay, divorced, never married, widowed - whatever - who would not be ready to define a relationship as committed after 5 months. 
 

You wanted something that she wasn’t ready for and you made your decision to break things off. That is your prerogative. 
 

I wish you more success in your next endeavors. 

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2 hours ago, Wheelerswife said:

That doesn’t necessarily define all women or all widows or all of anything.

 

 

This. Some of us who've been widowed have relatively straight-forward stories, some of us have losses complicated by life-crap that we were aware of beforehand, or that came up later after their death, and regardless, as individuals, we all experience our loss in ways as individually as the personalities with which we were created. We all handle our individual circumstances in our own ways, *as do those* who've never been married, who've divorced, had failed significant relationships,  etc. 

 

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out; many, most??, in life don't, statistically, really. May or may not have anything to do primarily with the fact of one person having experienced the death of a spouse. There's no *one* experience, you know.  We're just all individual human beings with our own makeup, whether single, divorced , widowed, etc. 

I don't accept just the fact of having been widowed that makes "the widowed" as a whole noncommittal.

 

The other thing is, just saying, we only have your own view/perception as you present it of your relationship with an individual who was widowed... the ending of relationships can be, but most commonly are not, one-sided. 

 

Best wishes to you for the relationship you desire.

 

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 Stephen is not a widower himself,

1)   and has chosen a forum for widows /widowers to complain about how difficult dating widows is

2) without having experienced the unique and devastating experience of losing one's life partner.

 

I would think, myself, that hesitance in making a commitment to someone so insensitive and lacking in judgement would be wise.

Edited by faye
fat fingers

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Faye - you may not like Stephen's assumed personality but your words are an ad hominem attack which is specifically forbidden by the Code of Conduct. 

 

Additionally, the mods and owners of the site have long ago determined that you do not have to be a widow in the legal sense to post here. We accept boyfriends, girlfriends, common law spouses, gay and lesbian couples, anyone really, that feels lost and alone in lost relationship. We may disagree with that choice but it is the mods and site owners prerogative to choose to allow those posters.  

 

 

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My mistake. Totally understand about boyfriends/girlfriends etc. Thought this forum was about loss through death.

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Hang on a minute Mike.  Stephen has not experienced the loss of a partner.  He was simply dating a widow and looking for advice.  This forum is for us.  The widows and widowers of partners, common law spouses, gay and lesbian couples, etc.  We don't have many forums unique to our situation, especially when loss happens so young.  I'm with faye on this one.  

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As a widow in a relationship with someone who is not a widower, I would agree, that while this forum may be a wealth of information to someone dating a widow/widower, it is not an appropriate place for seeking advice from said widow/widowers. This is a place where we should not have to defend or explain ourselves to those who "DGI"  - to coin a controversial acronym. It is our safe zone. 

 

I have often read excepts from the forum to my NG, but I would feel like he was reading my diary if he just got on here and read our most personal thoughts and experiences.  

 

My advice to Stephen.... read to your hearts content. You will see how different everyone's experience is. My NG had to deal with living in the moment with me for quite a long time before I could say out loud that he was/is my chapter 2. Does that make him better than you? Maybe more persistent. Maybe he was in a different place than you. Who knows. I know other wids who were never more sure of their chapter 2 right from the beginning. Some very early on in their widow walk.  That wasn't me. That isn't your former girlfriend. 

 

Please excuse me for this last bit of advice as it has not been asked for, but I can't leave it unsaid. When I started posting in this forum, the last thing I wanted it to be, was a place where anyone but a widow/er would be lurking. If you do end up in a relationship with a widow, please respect this place as HER place. If you want to know what she is thinking, ask her. Don't snoop. 

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