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KrypticKat

Weddings as a Young Widow

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I feel like having lost my partner so young I see weddings very differently now. I think they're beautiful and yet they can be very hard. I love seeing my friends celebrate their love and yet I still have those moments when I'm sitting at the table with them and flashes of my husband's face cross my mind.

 

I was doing really well this weekend. Despite having a semi strained relationship with the bride who was once one of my closest friends who's barely been a part of my life since my husband died. I did really well. I got through all the speeches about the groom's father being passed away and how important his ring was as I sat there spinning my own husband's ring on my right hand.

 

So I was completely caught off guard when the s*** hit the fan. I have another friend who was at the wedding who was also one of my bridesmaids. As long as I've known her she's never really been in a relationship and I think she knows she needs to work on some of her own issues before she'll be happy in a serious relationship. She got very emotional during the speeches and mentioned how she realized she would never want a wedding like the one we were sitting at.

 

In that moment I tried to empathize with her as I'm sure you're all familiar with loneliness as much as I am and I could see she was feeling lonely. I tried to be honest about how I wasn't sure I would do a wedding ever again if I did find love and before I could finish my thought she cut me off and said " because they'd always be second best." It completely caught me off guard and her next comment was 'yeah you heard me' and then she left. I had to get out of the room I went and had a good cry with one of my friends upstairs away from the wedding because I did not want this day to be about me but how could you not let something like that affect you when you're just doing everything not to melt down?

 

We eventually talked later in the evening and through our discussion where she only said that her comment was 'kind of insensitive' she believes I've already had it and she's never had it and therefore I cannot relate to her. And then she said if I ever found it again before she did she'd be devastated.

 

So yeah. That was my weekend. On the silver lining side of things the caterer that found me crying in the back hall brought me a pulled pork poutine because he thought it looked like I could use it. Got to try and focus on the positive right? FML

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It was very insensitive and immature of her. A true friend would be happy that her friends found true love whether they do or not. I feel blessed to have found that type of love. Many people don't. If I never do again it will still make my heart happy to see others in love. 

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This person isn't a good friend. I'm sorry your day was harder because of her selfishness and insecurities.

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That was more than insensitive - it was a real bitch of a move. True friends do not do that. They try to uplift and support, not tear them down like that. I’m sorry it ruined your evening. If she had nothing nice to say, she should have just kept it to herself. 

 

I quite enjoy weddings from the stand point that people found one another and want to spend their lives together. It’s a tiny bit bittersweet because I miss my husband however I am grateful to have experienced that great kind of love and to be present in order to support others. 

 

Pulled pork poutine? That’s pretty comforting to me! Hugs! 

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I'm sorry you were subject to that so called friend. She was way out of line. I'll always be amazed at people who are jealous of widows. 

 

You are correct. She needs to work on herself if she ever wants a relationship. Who in the world would put up with her as she is?

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Wow, that's no friend.  Seems to me that she's got some pretty big issues to sort out, sorry that you had to hear those insensitive comments.   

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On 2/24/2020 at 1:01 PM, Julester3 said:

 

I quite enjoy weddings from the stand point that people found one another and want to spend their lives together. It’s a tiny bit bittersweet because I miss my husband however I am grateful to have experienced that great kind of love and to be present in order to support others. 

 

Pulled pork poutine? That’s pretty comforting to me! Hugs! 

Oh 100% bittersweet is the right word. I really enjoy the weddings and be with my friends and seeing how in love they are but there's always that lingering tinge of pain it comes with the way my husband isn't sitting next to me enjoying all the fun. It's like really dark chocolate. Enjoyable but never quite sweet enough. 

 

Yes that caterer with the pulled pork poutine became my new best friend that night!

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On 2/24/2020 at 2:10 PM, soloact said:

I'll always be amazed at people who are jealous of widows. 

Right?! We won the shittiest Lottery on the planet and yet somehow they find a way to be jealous of us? Like some people seem to get jealous of all the attention you get from it but frankly I could do without all the attention. I'd like a refund thanks 🙄

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On 2/25/2020 at 2:30 PM, KrypticKat said:

Right?! We won the shittiest Lottery on the planet and yet somehow they find a way to be jealous of us? Like some people seem to get jealous of all the attention you get from it but frankly I could do without all the attention. I'd like a refund thanks 🙄

 

Another item that mystifies me is married women who complain to me about their husbands. I bite the sides of my mouth to avoid asking is he still alive? Then why are you singing the blues to me?

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On 2/28/2020 at 1:32 PM, soloact said:

 

Another item that mystifies me is married women who complain to me about their husbands. I bite the sides of my mouth to avoid asking is he still alive? Then why are you singing the blues to me?

 

Wish I had the filter to not say something, a lot of times I do.  I understand those that complain that don't know my history.   But for those "friends" that do know - really??!!   Is it too much to expect people to think before they speak?  

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Speaking of filters... Has anyone else found their "new" post loss personality grinds up against their old friends? I honestly find this trauma has depleted my patience for bullshit and I can be pretty straight up with people about how I'm feeling, what I think and what I need. Don't get me wrong, I also have an abundance of empathy for people's struggles and hardships. Everyone has loses and pain and everyone has a right to feel it and work through it. But the shit people complain about or act like children about. Yeesh!

 

For example I've had a few friends who have had to delay their weddings by between a few months all the way to next year. Most have been pretty good spirited about it but I have a couple that are lashing out like children and being vicious to people and bringing others down in attempt to cope. I mean, I get that you are working through the loss of your ideal wedding date but a) you will still have a wedding and b) you will still have a husband. You just have the wait. There's no need to be cruel to those around you about it. 

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Posted (edited)

I can relate to some of your wedding thoughts as it explains exactly how I am feeling. I'm about to be in a wedding, am very happy for the bride and want her to experience the beauty of marriage. However the bride's complaints about her relationship and the wedding planning frustrate me and I am finding it harder to sympathize with her. My thoughts are 1) She have a man that loves her 2) He's still alive, does she realize how fortunate she is? 3) Has she thought about how her complaints about her relationship make me feel? I feel she should look forward to this day, realize it's a blessing, and please for the love of humanity stop complaining.

Edited by Lopez
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