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A Return To Car Crying


Bunny
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My boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer earlier this month. We spent Valentine’s Day meeting his hospital team, scheduling more tests,  and filling out paperwork. Then today we finally got to the staging and plan of action. For those keeping score, my late husband died of cancer. 

 

I mean, I'm not mad about it. I don't think 'why me?' It is just Life and I can't control it.  It will be fine, no matter what.  Everyone with cancer has a 50/50 chance, honestly. I control nothing so I accept everything. As best I can. Widowhood has made me into something of a fatalist.

 

It is a different experience this time- I don’t feel like Superwoman getting ready to vanquish the enemy, I am not lighting candles and saying prayers. I am not obsessing on what he eats. I appear pretty calm, until I examine what is going on in the pit of my stomach- it is a ball of anxiety and pain I try not to poke too hard. But I have noticed while driving alone I’ll sometimes just start crying. And I got pretty teary-eyed at the grocery store yesterday. Plus, this experience has been so emotionally exhausting my insomnia hasn’t been as much of a problem lately. My concentration is for shit, though. 

 

So, here we go. None of us truly knows how much time we are going to get together anyway.

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I am so sorry that this is happening for you and your boyfriend. I cant even begin to imagine the emotional rollercoaster ride you must be on. My mother just got diagnosed with cancer, 2 month before retirement. My Tom died from an overdose, so I'm not facing the same kind of triggers again, but a lot of my feelings are similar to what you explained. My view on life is also quite fatalistic. I don't have the shock that I expected, I'm just here, going through what is and not thinking about the future. May life be a little more gentle with all of us. 

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I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to fight cancer again with a loved one, Bunny.  While my wife died from epilepsy, I am a pharmacist and see people I know well getting diagnosed far too often.  My father passed away suddenly about 2 years after my wife, and I can relate to your fatalistic view as well.  I have been dating a wonderful woman for the past year, but no longer have the expectation of growing old together into our 80's.  I hope to retire at an age where I am healthy enough that we can travel together without the restrictions of work.  

The tears can be a really healing thing, it still hits me once in a while and I always feel better afterwards.  I hope your boyfriend is on the better side of that 50% you mentioned.  Take care.

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Im so so sorry Bunny...going through losing someone you love from cancer once is quite enough but I think why twice (for you). Honestly it’s not fair even if it is life. I also look at the world differently and am stronger after losing a husband suddenly and raising a baby alone. Nothing surprises me any more. But the crying is a way of your body dealing with heavy stress and sadness as you are going through now. Even though you are being very strong right now - for you and your boyfriend. I also hope that you and your boyfriend have many more years together. 

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Oh Bunny, I'm so very sorry to hear this news.  It's not fair that you have to deal with this once again, with a life partner.  

 

Edited to add:  I hope that your boyfriend is on the good side of 50%, with a healthy life ahead of him.  

Edited by trying2breathe
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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/28/2020 at 3:17 PM, Bunny said:

It is a different experience this time- I don’t feel like Superwoman getting ready to vanquish the enemy, I am not lighting candles and saying prayers. I am not obsessing on what he eats. I appear pretty calm, until I examine what is going on in the pit of my stomach- it is a ball of anxiety and pain I try not to poke too hard. But I have noticed while driving alone I’ll sometimes just start crying. And I got pretty teary-eyed at the grocery store yesterday. Plus, this experience has been so emotionally exhausting my insomnia hasn’t been as much of a problem lately. My concentration is for shit, though. .

HI Bunny, I am so sorry about this and can relate to what you are going through. My guy just had a lung biopsy that is negative, but is likely to be an ongoing issue with the plueral lining. He was exposed to asbestos a number of years ago and it seem this is related. While I love him and will support him in what ever he decides to so, I feel very fatalistic as well that I will go out of this world alone. I am mostly OK with that, and trying not to let it color how I am part of a couple. There are days though, where I just feel a little  lost. 

 

Uggh, the new normal. Tight hugs. 

Marie

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Bunny I am so sorry to hear you have to go through the fear and anxiety again. My new wife and I had a small health scare recently and I was shocked at how easily it triggered a whole host of emotions and fears tied to the death of my first wife. I wish you and your boyfriend all the best.
 

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Bunny,

 My heart dropped when I read this.  I am beyond words.  I lift you up and your loved one.  I have come to realize being a widow does not give us a "get out of jail free" card for more trials, tragedies,  and loss.  But DAMN,  it sure is unfair.  I get the crying while you drive,  and add in the shower, too.  ♥️ to you. 

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Hugs Bunny,  I get it.  I lost my second great love to cancer just one year ago.  There were so many things that were exactly the same as the first time and in some small ways they made it easier.  I knew when to get what supplies.  But the big things can hurt just as much.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you, everyone, for your support. Your words mean a lot to me and I come back to read them again when I need some encouragement. Luckily, we both have a strong support system IRL also. 
 

He started the chemo pills last night and radiation today. I am feeling more calm and centered- the initial shock and despair have quieted down, thankfully. We are facing this with love in our hearts and try to keep stress at a minimum. 
 

I find myself kicking into caretaker mode again, though this time I am not such a drill sergeant. Of course, I am extra concerned about his health and daily hospital visits with the addition of the Corona Virus. It is frustrating when I see people being so casual about it, but all we can do is keep ourselves as safe as possible. Our city has issued stay-at-home orders for all unnecessary activity as of tomorrow.
 

So much gratitude in my heart that we are able to stay so connected with loved ones through the technology of telephone calls, texting, e-mail, and internet. It is kinda weird to see  the rest of the world joining us in our own little quarantine time. 
 

I wish for all of you and those you love good health. 

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