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Are you struggling in this self isolating time?


BrokenHeart2
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As I'm here alone during this self isolating time, I can't help but think about my fellow wids who are early in this terrible journey of widowhood.  While I'm not struggling now like the early days (and thankful for that at almost 7 yrs out) I have noticed that many in the early days are not posting like we did back then.  

What are you struggling with?  What you may think are crazy thoughts you'll be surprised at how many of us have had similar ones, share them and see if they are more common than you realized.  I remember thinking.... thank God, I'm not crazy after all.

What can we do to help our early wids?  What advice do you have for those of you long into this journey?

Yes, this has become a rambling post to see where it goes.  

Stay safe and hugs to all.

Edited by BrokenHeart2
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Thank you for the post. It is such a tough time to be going through losing someone you loved especially at the beginning.

When everything becomes a bit of a new challenge and now having to self quarantine.

I am hoping more people check in with each other and like brokenheart 2 said feel free to ask questions or just tell people what you are feeling 

Even if that feeling is a bit numb.

Stay safe and stay on touch 

 

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Hello everyone..... I'm new here, this is my first post. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm lost. I lost my dear sweet husband on December 31 2019 at 330 am. It was

Totally unexpected, brain aneurysm that we had no clue of.  I'm 38 and a widow, I can't even believe this. We had 23 years together Thanks be to God. But now I'm so alone. We have one daughter who is 18 and had to move home last nite from college. We have one daughter in heaven from when I miscarried at 5 and a half months in 2009. From That point I took care of my father , grandmother, and great aunt. In 2011 my father passed due to medical issues, in 2017 I lost my grandmother, and now 2019 I lose my husband. I've realized I never fully grieved any of those losses. And now the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Since I lost my husband I've been trying to tell myself make it to this date for this, or that, and now with all the Corona virus everything has been cancelled, 2 of my work trips, the fundraiser to honor my husband, and even the Donor Family Reception. Everything that I based on just getting to this date to be ok is gone. I'm sorry for being so long winded, just lost....

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Katrina, that is a lot to process! Just cut yourself some slack. You are going to have a lot of blank time considering many of us are sheltering in place. I suggest to find a distraction to stay occupied so it doesn’t all bombard you at once. I do crafts so I would crochet and then have music or tv on to add to white noise. It helped me greatly. I know for others it can be exercise, yoga, gardening...it can’t hurt! Just know that time is on your side in the respect that you can take as much time as you need to grieve and process. There is no timeline but your own. Take care! 

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Thank you Julester, you gave alot of really great ideas and suggestions. That's where I'm having a hard time. I have spent so many years taking  care of everyone I have no clue who I am, I dont know what I like to read, or do, or where I like to go. I am a Bakery Manager so I work in a grocery store, work is keeping me busy 12-14 hour days rite now. But that's scary too, we are rite there  exposed to everyone all day. Treat your grocery store employees kindly everyone, they are doing their very best to clean, sanitize, fill shelves, stock product, etc. 

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17 hours ago, Katrina said:

 I have spent so many years taking  care of everyone I have no clue who I am, I dont know what I like to read, or do, or where I like to go. 

Dear Katrina, 

 

I know you won't believe this, but you will find out who you are. You will find your identity as you move through this unbelievable time. You won't find it overnight, but little bit of who you are will pop up and you will say to yourself "I remember her!" 

 

Hang in there

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Hi Katrina, I found it took me almost 2 years before I truly found who I was again.  My wife was 39 when she died almost 4 years ago.  I always felt like one half of a whole and it took some time to find who I was before I became a husband. I am working with the public daily too. Stay safe and I hope this online community can help you in some ways.

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PaulZ, thank you for your response. When I saw 2 years I didnt know what to think, everyday is still a fog rite now. But it does make sense. There is no way to just get over someone you intertwined your life with. Be safe as well.

 

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The quarantine is showing me once again who is truly there for me. I've been thinking about that a lot. It makes me want to pull back away from the people who I initiate contact with. I've also been thinking about my husband and parents. What their thoughts would have been about the quarantine. My husband was a K9 officer, so he would have been excluded from the quarantine. Just a lot of random things.

 

I've been going through my house organizing and purging. I moved the last few things of my husband's out of my closet. I went through my mom's jewelry box. I'm refinishing it to use instead of mine. I'm getting a lot accomplished that I never have time for. 

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Katrina - I know it's been some weeks since you posted and I hope you are continuing to hang in there.  Every time I go to a grocery store, I am glad to see baked goods and I wanted to thank you for your work. I am not a good cook or baker and I appreciate that basic comfort food is available, and hope you stay safe.  

 

My husband died in February 2019 and I feel like I was starting to figure out who I was outside of being his wife - but then the pandemic hit, and I feel like I have to start over again figuring out who I am.  It is hard.  And I'm struggling figuring out by myself how to best help my teenaged kids struggling in this uncertain time. 

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Hey everyone,

 

I need to speak to a couple of things that have been raised in this thread which I struggle with...

 

In terms of my grief experience, I am now in my "adolescence" as a widower (my wife passed away at the age of 49 in December, 2016, after 19 years of marriage and 23 years together).  Or at least I should be an "adolescent" by now!  I don't really know how or when one becomes a "fully mature" widow/er.  Hmm?  It's probably not something measured in time, but rather through experiences and life "mile markers".  What do you think?

 

Anyway, the hope that we will discover who we are now without our spouse (or rediscover who we were before), to me, is something I find problematic, if not a bit idealistic.  So much of who I am, and will always be, was learned and cultivated as a couple — as Rhonda's husband.  I continue to reference many things I still enjoy today by saying "we" rather than "I".  I love who I became as a result of our lives spent together.  We were both 29 when we married.  By then we each had a pretty good idea of who we were as individuals, what we enjoyed, how we presented ourselves to others, and what we were looking for in a partner.  We were very fortunate on all counts that we found each other.  I loved her so much.  We took great pleasure in learning about each other's individual interests, and in seeing the passion we had for those things, while encouraging each other to continue pursuing them even years later.  I've since come to realize (and I'm sure she did as well) that sharing in each other's passions and, subsequently, discovering new ones together is what I treasure most about our years together.

 

I'm not saying this wasn't the case for all of you, too, but I think it's important to not put pressure on ourselves to have to find a "new" or "prior" self.  Yes, I am forever changed because of my losses.  And I say losses because in a 3 year period I lost my career (in 2015 after 21 years with the same organization), then my wife (in 2016 just 8 months after her cancer diagnosis), and then my mother in 2018, who I had to care for on my own immediately after losing Rhonda (my mother was deaf and suffered from COPD).  Katrina, sadly I know exactly what you have gone through in this regard...

 

I really struggled after my Mom’s passing in finding purpose and motivation, and it affected my sleep and confidence.  While caring for her, I didn’t spend much time concerning myself with my own future.  It was too daunting then.  Now, without them, I must and I have had difficulty doing so.  Caregiving for and losing loved ones – in my case the only two people on the planet who dedicated their lives to loving and caring for me – was challenging enough, particularly in such quick succession.  However, caring for just myself is something I still struggle with.  I hope that doesn’t come across as overly dramatic or concerning.  I’m fine, and I’ve not taken a turn for the worse overall.  It’s just the reality I’m faced with, and attempting it now completely on my own (we have no kids).

 

This latest COVID-19 pandemic feels like a kick to the midsection after just having been knocked to the ground 3 times.  It's been 53 days since I last saw anyone I know personally, other than my next door neighbors, and that once-too-familiar sense of isolation and loneliness has now been taken to a whole new level.  Like Jen has done, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about those I've lost, but also about how much harder it would have been caring for them now during all of this.  I suppose I'm grateful I didn't have to.  The irony, of course, is that just as I was finally getting to the point of accepting all I've gone through and not being as resentful of it, and finally turning full attention to myself, I'm now in a holding pattern with no idea when we'll be out of this thing!  <SIGH>

 

My life has changed drastically in a relatively short period of time.  But I'm still who I have always been, or at least I strive to be – that person who Rhonda fell in love with and wanted to be with, learn from, teach, and aspire to happiness alongside.  For better or worse, I'm okay with the notion that I will never be as contented as the person I was when she was my life.

 

Steve 

 

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