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We need to be there for each other – let’s start a roll call


Wheelerswife
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So…here goes another ramble – something I have been known for in the past.

 

Let’s just start by acknowledging that this site has been awfully quiet.  I know that I check in frequently, but I rarely post, and I think there are many of us in the same place.  For those of you who are more newly widowed, many of us here – and the originators of this site – migrated here about 5 years ago from a site called Young Widows Bulletin Board (YWBB) when it suddenly closed its virtual doors.  We were all pretty devastated, as that board had become an amazing lifeline.  We grieved that loss.  I do believe that 5 years later, some of us are still grieving that loss.  We are also 5 more years from our own losses, and our needs for widow support are not the same as they were “back in the day”. 

 

But – one of the things that made that site so valuable was the wisdom from those ahead of us on the widow road.  Other things – the ability to connect with others in the same timeline – or with a similar kind of loss – or the ability to find others in our geographic areas to meet in person – these are all still possibilities, but I don’t know how much they are really happening.

 

So  - I propose that in this time of social distancing/isolation/quarantine/work from home/job loss and economic uncertainty – that we give this site a boost, start with a roll call for those who are comfortable, and avail ourselves of the opportunity to connect, since others in our local communities don’t have the experience to understand what we have been through or how things are magnified by our experiences of loss of a spouse or partner.

 

I will start.  My name is Maureen. (I have always felt comfortable sharing my first name – but you may not, and that is okay.) I live in western Kansas.  I was widowed 10 ½ years ago at the age of 47 when my husband died of respiratory failure – the expected complications of a genetic neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy.  He was 53.  At the time, I lived in Connecticut.  I met my second husband on YWBB.  I moved to Kansas to be with him and we were married in March of 2011.  He unfortunately died in his sleep of unknown heart issues 6 years ago.  He was 5 days shy of his 57th birthday.  We had an incredible relationship that didn’t even give us 4 years together.  I am incredibly grateful for all those I have met through YWBB and WIDDA and I keep in regular communication with a fairly large group of friends, although none live near me.  I have met many, many of them in person over the last 10 years.  But right now, I sit home alone with my dog Rosie.

 

Please post with whatever information you feel comfortable sharing. 

 

Maureen (and furbaby Rosie)

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Hi! I'm Jennifer.  I'm 48...  I live in Northern California.  I have two teenagers, Ryan (19) and Amy (16).  I lost my David nearly 5 years ago.  He had a life-long heart/lung condition that he struggled with, and it eventually took him from me.  

 

I also come to this site nearly daily, to check in with those whom I know understand this experience.  I look for advice on everyday things - how to help my kids,  how to keep my sanity, what's normal grieving, relationship advice, spiritual advice, and just to know that others have walked this path before, and there is a lightness at the end of the tunnel...  

 

I'm having a terrible time with this quarantine for a variety of reasons....  First, I teach elementary school - and I desperately miss my students, their families, and my co-workers.  I feel terribly isolated.....  My teaching is my purpose......  and for the past few days I've felt lost....  

 

I have been dating a wonderful man for a few months - and he is working throughout this ... and he has other obligations as well - so I feel isolated from him. 

 

As we're doing our best to isolate, I also feel distanced from family and friends....  Facebook has been a savior, but it's not going to be enough.  

 

I feel terrified for our community's future - for our nation's future - not because of the virus - but because of the behavior of citizens - they terrify me.  I am afraid for our economy.  I'm watching my husband's life insurance dwindling in my investment accounts, praying the markets will bounce back eventually. 

 

Yesterday, a friend of mine, a very close friend of my parents, discovered her husband slumped over, dead of a heart attack in their home.  All of the trauma, the shock, the disbelief came roaring back to me.  

 

Here's what I hold on to:

 

1.  My kids need me.  I thank God for them every day....they provide my purpose, my direction, and my hope. 

2.  My dogs need me.  I know.....  but they comfort me, and I believe they are better off for living with us. 

3.  My God knows what's going on and is in control.   I don't like it, but he knows.  

4.  I'm healthy, and so are my kids and my family.   This is one thing I have some control over - so I'll take care of myself and those I love as long as I can. 

5.  I can use this time to grieve, to grow, and to remember.  I can choose my perspective and choose to be patient, and to savor this time with my kids and make good use of the time. 

6.  This will pass.  The only constant in life is change. 

7.  It's ok to fall apart.  Because it's happened before.  Over and over.  And every time, it has passed, and I pull myself together again.  

8.  I'm not alone.  And neither are you.  

 

 

  God bless..... 

 

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I'm Julie. I'm 44 years old. I lost my husband 4 years ago April 7th to a sudden heart attack. He was playing tennis at his club and had a heart attack in the locker room. The kids and I were home at the time. We have 2 girls: the eldest is now 20 and the youngest is 16. We were married for 15 years, together as a couple for 22 years. I met him in 7th grade.

 

I too come in daily to check in and I do my best to post whenever I can because I recall how isolated I felt in the beginning and needed greatly to find people who I could relate to and would understand me and what I was feeling. I do some grief group/family work near where I live in the Chicago area but it's only once a month. I feel I did the best here reading stories and allowing it to help me process and think.

 

For me, I feel that you never have to get over it. It will always suck. However,  I believe you need to learn to accept it. I found many kindred spirits here. I also did a lot of journal writing on my laptop on my own that first year to help me process and understand our new normal. My girls would like to read it and I will let them someday. I rarely feel the need to write anymore because I have peace and understanding within myself. I understand that there are things I cannot control in life and his passing was beyond what we could have done. We lived a good and happy life. We had good health, ate well, and did physical activities. We had good jobs, hobbies that made us happy, and a good circle of friends. We were devoted to our families. He had no history of heart problems and was checked for them so this blindsided us greatly. I initially pulled through for the sake of my kids and I found I needed to work on myself equally hard as well. 

 

I know now that I am more than okay for me, for my girls, for my family, for my friends, and my colleagues. Even our pets. I try to do and be more for my family and my circle. I try to live life in the now and to enjoy it. I am now in a relationship with a good man and things are progressing well. Before I could never contemplate my future without my husband but now I can imagine several scenarios for myself now. I am no longer afraid. 

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Hi, I am Marie, 

 

I was 52 when my husband died from esophogeal cancer with mets to the bones. This time of social distancing for me has been easier than the isolation of losing a mate to cancer. The isolation I felt then was staggering. Incomprehensible. I didn't understand it at all. 

 

These days, I realize that I don't have to go anywhere to be connected to the people I love. Technology has made that easy. I don't feel the need to run out in the snowstorm because I feel confined. I am ok with staying away. Staying home. But staying connected. 

 

Thanks Maureen, for the jumpstart, I hope others check in. 

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Tybec here.  Was on the former board. Did one Widdabago in STL.  42 yrs. old when my husband of 21 yrs. died in a car accident driving to work on a Friday morning. We had been together since I was 14,  28 yrs. total. It has now been 8 years. Went through his cancer, infertility and my dad's alzheimers disease early 30s. Thought we had our full share of stuff. Was wrong.

 

The board was/is helpful in so many ways. Sharing things I could not with others is so good. 

 

Finally dated and was in a relationship for 3.5 years. It did not work. Dealing with dating and new relationships here was helpful, too, as I had no one else to turn to, never dated in adult life. My life was surrounded with coupled people like my former  self.  That connection is great.

 

My son was 8 when his dad/ LH died. He is now 16, driving, and we are talking about his college choices.  It is a whole new world. 

 

I miss my husband every day.  I will always love him. Our marriage is over, though, as it is not a living and breathing relationship.  It took me years to get to that.  That is me and my thoughts.  I will always be his widow. But I can be someone's girlfriend or wife, too. 

 

I do well most of the time, except when it comes to my health. I am terrified of not being able to raise my son to independence. I also get scared still of not having help for myself.  My parents are now both dead, too. I am the youngest in the family and my much older siblings have their own challenges. I am 50 now. 

I am a Christian and can share about my faith. I can hear others' beliefs and not get into some debate. The board opened up a world wide view of folks outside my view.  I don't have to agree with others about all that, and I don't have to try to convince you otherwise.

 

We all come from different experiences and backgrounds, so our perceptions of all is skewed to that.  Things typed here are small snapshots, so try not to get bent out of shape here with different views, opinions. That is growth, also. 

 

Rambling now. Welcome to the board!

 

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Thanks for starting this post, it is much needed at this time.

I am Nancy and my husband Don died 5 years ago of a sudden heart attack.

He had just turned 51 the week before.

This board and the people on it ,helped me more then I think they even know.

Please continue to reach out and let us all know we are not in this alone.

 

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Hi everyone! My name is Jen. I became a widow at 38 years old, six years ago. My husband was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and died four months after diagnosis. 

 

I have three daughters, 20, 18, and 12. My work officially closed Monday. My daughters have been home longer. They are all extremely worried and anxious about the virus. They didn't just lose their dad in the past six years. My mom died three months before my husband, ALS. My dad died last year, stroke. They've seen a lot of medical facilities, ill people, funeral homes, too much. 

 

I'm trying to distract them with house projects. Doing something physical always helps me. We're going to be doing a lot of cleaning, purging, organizing, and painting. We're all excited about getting the house more organized and updated. 

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Hi, rather not give my name, no bad reason but where I live is a pretty small place so prefer to keep some privacy!

My husband died at 43 in an accident back in 2011, a few days before a devastating quake hit my town. It was like the Four Horsemen of the Feckin' Apocalypse had all turned up at once. Now Pestilence has made an appearance (fortunately Famine is unlikely to soon, as the supermarkets are still open!) and my country, surreally, goes into Covid-19 lockdown for at least a month in just under half an hour.

I have two daughters now aged 11 and 14, and a new relationship of some years. I still have days when I can't believe my lovely husband is not here, but we have come a long way. It has been hard work but thanks to good friends and family and love and sheer bloody-mindedness, we are doing OK. That my youngest does not remember her Daddy, and my oldest barely does, breaks my heart. And the pain for my in-laws, who are such lovely people.

 

Julie, your post resonated especially with me, and Maureen, you have always been a wonderful presence. I joined YWBB soon after my husband was killed and used to read it all the time; bizarrely, the social posts especially. I think I wanted to be reassured that there was a life beyond the hell I was experiencing.

 

My heart really, really goes out to newer widows and widowers compelled to self-isolate or in national or local lockdowns. I just want to give you all the world's biggest hug. If this had been 7 or 8 years ago, let alone nine, I would be absolutely beside myself, devastated at being stuck at home like this. I know for some folks it is the opposite and hibernating is soothing, but I needed a lot of distraction and human interaction. As it is the prospect of isolation doesn't thrill me, but I know I'm strong enough to make it work now.  Virgo, I'm impressed you're all excited about that, apparently DIY stores here too were inundated with customers! I work from home so juggling kids too, but intending to make as much time for them as I can.

 

 

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Hi I am sugarbell,  I was on the old board as well. I was widowed at age 36 to suicide with 3 kids under the age of 5. Fast forward 12 1/2 years- they are all teenagers, two driving and the other one in middle school.

 

This quarantine has made me reflect more on my early days of being on the board, widowed, having  tiny kids. This is the first time in years that all 3 of my kids are home 24/7. I am also a high school teacher, so I am home with them. It's a bizarre familiarity to me. Reminds me so much of when I didn't work and they were all home with me. It also has made me think of any new widows out there with young kids during this time ( I don't know how many times I have thought "thank goodness my kids are older while we are on lockdown)- 

 

I worked through A LOT of stuff on the old board. This is a great sounding board with great people from all walks of lives. I will be eternally grateful to those who I met along the way, and those who gave me a listening ear when it seemed like no one else was available. 

 

I am not here very often, but will be checking in more since we are on "Lock down" for a while in my state. Hugs and support to anyone new joining us. 

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Hi, abitlost here. I was widowed by brain cancer at age 41 with two young kids. 11+ years later, here we are in lockdown. I know we can get through this, because...well...we've been through much worse. 

 

I truly feel for the wids with young kids. It was helpful for us in those days to be able to go out into a lively world and socialize with people not in our grief circle. 

 

abl

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Hello, I used to be called DT on the old site.  DragonTears -- named after my husband who had dragon tattoos on his arms.  And he was a huge fan of the "the Dragon" Bruce Lee.  I found the old site in 2009 after my husband died.  The New York Times labeled it the "summer of death" because of the large number of high profile deaths that summer (link below).  I had been laid off from my job six months before and I remember watching all these funerals on TV and sobbing my eyes out.  It's not like I personally knew these people, but the collective deaths of all these people that I remember watching from my youth just brought about a heaviness.  Anyway on 6/25/09 Michael Jackson died and one month to the day later, my husband died suddenly in a car accident.  There were a lot of extenuating circumstances, as well.

 

Anyway, just checking in while my state is on shutdown.  It seems like he was there for every major tragic event in this country and we shared tears together.  Now here I am alone with no one to share my tears with.

 

https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2009/08/summer_of_death.html

 

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OMG...  My check-in 8 days ago seems like a lifetime ago........  And my mental state has deteriorated so much in the past 8 days.  I'm in a near constant anxiety attack.... crying, hyperventilating, stressing, etc.....  I have to start back to work teaching tomorrow, and somehow I have to put on a sane face for my students and their families.......  not sure how that's gonna happen....    

 

Please, God, make this stop....  or send someone to hug me....  

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Hi, my name is Laurie. I work from home, so life is not totally different for me. However, I used to go out a lot more! I find I am staying in touch on the phone a lot more, like all of you I am sure. I live in Delaware and I lost my husband last year in February to lung cancer, which we did not even know that he had. Reading all of these posts reminds me how hard it was in the beginning...I have gone back and read some of my own posts from back in the beginning and it makes me realize just how far I have come. Hugs to everyone as we go through this crisis. I will keep you all is my prayers.

 

And, yes, like many of you I come to this site more often than I post on it.

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On 3/29/2020 at 6:02 PM, RyanAmysMom said:

OMG...  My check-in 8 days ago seems like a lifetime ago........  And my mental state has deteriorated so much in the past 8 days.  I'm in a near constant anxiety attack.... crying, hyperventilating, stressing, etc.....  I have to start back to work teaching tomorrow, and somehow I have to put on a sane face for my students and their families.......  not sure how that's gonna happen....    

 

Please, God, make this stop....  or send someone to hug me....  

How about a virtual hug??? How was your first day?

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Julester - Thank you!  I had another rough day, but talking to a few of my "kids" definitely helped.  I pray that over the next week, things will get a little more normal and I'll be able to get my mind off of ME and onto OTHERS. 

Thanks again! 

 

 

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Klim here widowed in 2013  when my seemingly very fit husband died of a heart attack.Two kids now kids no more 22 and 24. Was part of the old board and it helped me greatly. I must admit the learning how to socialize again guidance was my most important take way from here....and how to handle my kids.

I still check in here some times because I'm stressing but more often to check on others.

 As far as this Covid crisis,I was travelling when this all came about and our rush to return home was the most anxiety inducing part so far. Staying at home has been relativley easy in comparison.

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Thanks Maureen. I'm Jeff and widowed in 2013 raising two girls who are still at school. The YWBB was a safe place for me to share with a community that "got it". I am not a frequent visitor or poster anymore since we moved sites, but like to check in every now and then. I miss the live chat regulars and Missing Squish and NMQP, who were in my cohort of young widows.

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Hi, I am Melissa. I too am here often but rarely post. I lost my husband 13 months ago. He died from rectal cancer at the age of 41. We have 3 children

19, 17, and 14. This board has helped me tremendously. I am grateful for you all. 

Life is so strange now. And I pray for everyone's safety. I am a nurse and can tell you that this virus is no joke. Please be safe.

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Hi folks,

 

I'm Rob, and I was RobFTC on the old board as well.  I was widowed in 2010, and twins a month away from turning 10; we lost Michelle to ovarian cancer after a 22-month fight.  The old board was instrumental to deal with my loss, and I have met a decent number of old hands in person, and have got to know others virtually.  I hosted a couple of bagos in northern Colorado, and hope we all get the chance to do something like that as soon as this scourge has been tamed.

 

My kids are now 19 and both at home - one was actually in a dorm at an in-state college, but is home now, doing work online, while the other is also doing online work for the local community college.  Their schools both announced that they were not reopening during spring break.  We went down to the in-state college, home of the second-hottest-per-capita Covid-19 zone in the state, to move out of the dorm.  We came closer that 10 feet to another person just once there, and twice more in the next county over at a hotel and when getting take-out food.  The kids are doing well - they are a little more reclusive than I would like, but that's not too bad a thing right now.

 

I started dating too early and made a lot of mistakes.  I met someone and remarried Sept 2018, and we moved to a different house a year later.  Time in the new house was tough - too much fighting - and I moved back to my unsold house in November.  We're working on reconciling, and it was pretty good until a recent setback.  With Covid, we haven't seen each other in person for awhile, which I know isn't helping.  Since I work from home, the stay-at-home stuff is not that different from my norm, so except for being very selective about shopping, I am OK.  What's hardest is knowing how many people we're losing, and how many more wids and losses this pandemic is creating.  I am really aware of nursing homes right now.  I don't know of any losses in my circles, but am worried about a few people, like my next-door neighbor, a nurse.

 

If you are a recent wid, I am so sorry for your loss.  If it's from Covid-19, OMG do I feel for you dealing with your enormous loss in this time of isolation.  Know that you will survive this, know that your kids will survive this, know that you will take delight in things again, know that you can find love again if and when you become ready.

 

And everyone - know that Covid-19 will change us and society some, but that we will survive this, too, and that good things will come out of it as well.

 

Take care,

Rob T

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I'm forgottenwife on here, was lostwife2011 on the old board. I live in Colorado. My husband of 22 years suffered a back injury, got addicted to opiates, and took his own life after a dark spiral downward. We had two boys, 13 and 21 at the time. 

 

One of the best decisions I made was to go on the old board, I found that people would listen and not over-react like my people in my family and community. No one on the board thought I should just get over it quickly, it was good to find such understanding and amazing people. Those days were just so hard. The board seems pretty quiet now, yet admittedly I don't check in very often anymore. This is the first time I've looked here since the quarantine started 4 weeks ago, thanks Maureen for starting this roll call. 

 

Sending love to all of you. 

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Jenn here, widowed in 2008 and I used to check in here regularly, less so as time went on but found myself coming back to it in these crazy times!  Sars in 2003 really impacted me and my spouse's cancer treatment so I feel like I am reliving all of that, which is weird.  Anyway, I am not usually comfortable sharing but I am so bored (please do not take that the wrong way, love you all and the support you've provided).  Anyway, you are all in my thoughts and please take good care!

 

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Hi everyone - I'm Mary. My husband died from AML in 2012, 133 days after diagnosis. I was 38, our twins were 9- they just tuned 17 and were so excited for the spring of their junior year but are now stuck home with me. 🤣 

 

I recoupled and got engaged to a great guy 2 years ago, he lives with us.. . but i'm so afraid to get married again because I don't want to be a widow again. I know logically that that's completely crazy and if something happened to him I'd be just as devastated, but emotionally just thinking about it to write that elevates my heart rate.... he's great and says he'll wait for as long as it takes, but i know marriage is important to him.

 

Anyways - I hope you all are hanging in there, this whole situation sucks. 

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I'm Mac, haven't been here for awhile. My wife of 28 years passed in 2012. Since then both of our children have graduated from college, and have gotten married. I just became a grandfather for the first time. Things are going well for me, grateful for that. So much to experience during these past 8 years. Being a widower isn't as much of my identity now, compared to the first 6 years or so. Wishing everyone a sense of peace.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm Kristie.  Not sure I've ever used my real name here, but there it is.  I lost my husband of 20 years Dec 2015.  I was 45 at the time.  I was not part of the old board, but found a tremendous comfort in the community that was on this site.  It always amazed me, and still does, how similar the experience was for many of us.  To know that I was not going crazy, or well, that I was, but it was all "normal" in the grieving process, helped me to accept what was happening and move through it rather than fighting the feelings.  I don't come here all that often, but from time to time I visit to connect with the widow part of who I am.  Life has changed so much for me in the 4.5 years since he died.  I have moved cities, changed jobs, re-coupled and generally just feel like a  different person than I used to be.  I think many of my relationships with my family and long-time friends are different.  Not necessarily better or worse, just different.  

 

I think so much about people that have recently lost spouses in this time of lock down.  What stands out for me the most about the widow experience was just how desperately lonely I felt.  Always.  And I can't imagine anyone having to experience that without even the slightest reprieve felt over a coffee with a friend or a hug now and then.   If you are one of the recently widowed, I hope you are able to find some comfort and company here as many of us did.

 

 

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Thank you for starting this trend. I’m Sharon, and live in Colorado.  My husband had a fatal heart attack on a run before work in February 2019.  He was 49 and we thought in great health—he was a regular long-distance trail runner.  My children are 13, 18 and 21.  

 

I have found great comfort in reading posts here although I have posted little myself.  We have been getting through ok, but the months November (starting with his would-be 50th birthday) through the holidays and up to the anniversary of his death in February were so hard and sad. We made it, and I was greatly relieved that each of my kids had something exciting that they were looking forward - end of senior year, 2 graduations, a fun spring break trip.  Then that was all turned on its head.

 

I am trying to find some bright moments each day to appreciate what we have. 

 

My heart goes out to everybody, especially those with loss and fresh grief. This site has been a place where I am able to feel a little less alone in my sadness, and I am so grateful for it. I wish all of you well!

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