Missing love

[DBL21]

Hi, this might be a strange one but please tell me I’m not alone in this and someone might ease my guilt, my husband died 9 months ago, I met my beautiful man when I was 16, head over heels from day 1, so happy together, 2 beautiful kids a lovely home and then boom our lives came crashing down around us, he passed away when he was 35, I cared for my husband for 3 years, it was his wishes that we had no outside help and I was 100% fine with that, yes it was exhausting but I love him so much it was easy to do, we always had an amazing sex life but for the past few years that also was out of the question, it feels so long since I’ve been held, lately I find myself missing sex so much, this makes me feel so guilty surely it’s him being him I should be missing why am I even thinking about that? Is this normal? I don’t feel I can speak to anyone about this (I don’t want to be judged!) my heart aches without him, I’ve never been with anyone other than my husband, can’t even imagine what that would be like, I miss being kissed and just held even, I’ve a million things going around my head and everyday it exhausting, so lonely 

[Wheelerswife]

Hi. 
 

Yes, this is very, very normal to miss sex, even if it has been awhile since you were able to be intimate with your husband while he was still with you. When we lose a spouse, we grieve many things. Those things we grieve rise to the surface at varying times for all of us. Sex is just one of them. We each cope with this differently. My only advice is to listen to your heart, your gut, your own moral compass when you decide how you address your personal needs and desires. That’s truly an across-the-board piece of advice. I will add a second piece of advice  - to be gentle with yourself, especially if you have mixed emotions about how you feel and any decisions you make. 
 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

 

 

[Bunny]

I also took care of my husband, for two years, and sex was off the table for at least the last year. In fact, a guilt I carried for a looonnnngggg time was that I turned him down for sex that last time (didn’t know it was the last) because I was stressed and tired and needed to get to my part-time job.

 

I was probably numb to my body for a lot of that first year, but when it finally started making it’s needs heard, and that ‘skin hunger’  kicked in, it was all Very Intense!!! My hormones were suddenly like that of an 18-year-old boy’s. It was c-r-a-z-y strong. And what made it even worse was that I knew I was not emotionally ready to have sex with anyone- though I was starting to understand people who got a FWB. Me, I just took matters into my own hands- a lot- until I felt ready to have sex again with another person.

 

What you are feeling is very, very, very normal. 

[Julester3]

I also echo that this is normal. I had a very good sex life with my late husband. He died of a sudden heart attack so I had no preparation. I took care of my heart and my kids and I knew I was not in a strong place emotionally so I backed off for an entire year. But, that skin deprivation just was just making me crazy. He was a physical man, always sneaking in kisses and caresses at every opportunity so it was only a matter of time when I count ignore that starvation feeling. So I tried dating and I tested a couple scenarios and determined what would work for me. I feel no guilt about it because my late husband was my high school sweetheart. I never dated as an adult but it helped me realize what I truly needed in a relationship. I found that sex without a true connection was empty. I knew it was not for me. I found physical release but my heart felt empty, hollow. It didn’t fulfill my true need. So I quickly switched gears and depended on my BOB (battery operated boyfriend) to keep me focused. I could focus on finding a good match for me and not let that sexual urge drive me to make bad decisions. It took 9 months to find my current boyfriend and I have been with him for 2 years now and I’m truly happy. 

 

So it can be done and if you are ready, you could try. I recommend sitting down and figuring a plan and determine what you need. If you don’t know as I do, you’ll have to do some soul searching to see what you are comfortable with. Sorry if it was too much information. I’m always available if you want to chat. 

[DBL21]

1 hour ago, Julester3 said:

I also echo that this is normal. I had a very good sex life with my late husband. He died of a sudden heart attack so I had no preparation. I took care of my heart and my kids and I knew I was not in a strong place emotionally so I backed off for an entire year. But, that skin deprivation just was just making me crazy. He was a physical man, always sneaking in kisses and caresses at every opportunity so it was only a matter of time when I count ignore that starvation feeling. So I tried dating and I tested a couple scenarios and determined what would work for me. I feel no guilt about it because my late husband was my high school sweetheart. I never dated as an adult but it helped me realize what I truly needed in a relationship. I found that sex without a true connection was empty. I knew it was not for me. I found physical release but my heart felt empty, hollow. It didn’t fulfill my true need. So I quickly switched gears and depended on my BOB (battery operated boyfriend) to keep me focused. I could focus on finding a good match for me and not let that sexual urge drive me to make bad decisions. It took 9 months to find my current boyfriend and I have been with him for 2 years now and I’m truly happy. 

 

So it can be done and if you are ready, you could try. I recommend sitting down and figuring a plan and determine what you need. If you don’t know as I do, you’ll have to do some soul searching to see what you are comfortable with. Sorry if it was too much information. I’m always available if you want to chat. 

I think this is what I miss most, my husband before he got sick was so handsy! From day dot he was always hugging me, kissing me, i just miss it, I feel cold all the time, I’d love to be just held but I really don’t think I could connect to anyone emotionally for a very long time, I may invest in a BOB. It’s just so sad, my 16 year old self would never have believed life was going to go this way 😢

[Julester3]

Be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. I couldn’t fathom it as well but I know my late husband would not want me to keep going on unloved and alone. It took me awhile to understand that. I also learned that I will always love him but love generally is not a set amount. It has the capability to grow if you let it. So bide your time for when you feel up to it and be sure it’s on your terms. 

 

I told the kids I wasn’t looking to replace their dad. Their dad was awesome. I needed someone for me. If my girls liked him, that was a bonus.