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Loneliness is a killer


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Hang in there Avemaria - it may not seem like it right now, but the whole mess does get easier with the passage of time. 

 

One of my best friends told me after my wife died, and I was struggling like you, that all successful marriages end in death. Every. single. one. I know it sounds odd, but for some reason that gave me a small bit of comfort. Enough to try to hang on one more day. 

 

Also, consider prayers to Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton. She is the patron saint of grieving. 

 

https://www.learnreligions.com/saint-elizabeth-ann-seton-patron-grief-124224

 

Best wishes, Mike

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Hi AveMaria,

 

I thought what Portside (Mike) wrote is just lovely- and thank you...Portside. (I'm not a Catholic, but found that particular passage re : St Seton comforting). It's interesting, I am the reverse of you; I find the night time much easier than the morning when I awake with an unwelcome Thud! of reality. My Mother passed away from pancreas cancer, so I have some understanding of how the stomach cancers go; I'm so very sorry to read about your loss of your beloved husband. I'm quite new to being a Widow (difficult to type that word out) too. It is lonely. It is sometimes unbearable, but I try to go out in Nature on the very sad days and just be still and watch beauty around me. I guess I'm lucky that my lonely feeling comes during the day so I can go outside and sit while the light is out. 

I'd like to point out something that Mike wrote about successful marriages ending in Death. All marriages end in death. Even the unsuccessful ones by way of divorce, so the very fact we are married means we will go through this experience, one way or another just by merit of being a married person. 

 

Know that you were a great comfort to your husband. This is a painful difficult cancer, and I learned to be grateful that if my Mom had to fight it, and endure it, it lasted less than a year and she wasn't in grueling pain anymore, despite my missing her so much. 

 

I hope tonight and the successive nights become a tiny bit easier as as they go by.  We still have our memories. Another something to be grateful for.

Wishing you peace,

-Beryl

 

 

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Thanks Mike...i appreciate your support. Yes, I feel like a part of me died when he did. That void is hard to fill.

I also feel so distant from God...our faith was so important to us. I'm struggling spiritually, but I hear that is normal. I continue to pray for God's strength

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Thank you Beryl for your support. I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your husband. The hardest thing to accept is knowing i will never see him again on this side of heaven. I continue to pray for strength, and peace knowing he's no longer suffering.  I have many regrets and I feel guilty the last year of his life. We never really talked about the what if's. There was much to talk about but we didn't.  How do you say to your spouse, "Honey, in case you die "...that is my biggest regret especially because we owned our own business. The stress is tremendous. I just want to grieve my husband. I loved that article on St. Seton...wow her devotion and passion was truly amazing.  She had her eyes on God always🙏

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My main trick for nights were to make myself as tired as I would so I would sleep better like stay up later, work on a crochet project before bed, type in my journal, and then I’d be weary enough to sleep because my eyes would be tired. Then, a wise college friend who lost his partner told me to change my perspective so I’m not looking at the empty space my husband used to occupy. So I slept on his side of the bed and that comforted well in the beginning and made sleeping easier for me. Later on I ended up changing the bed out and getting new sheets so it was “my bed”, not “our bed” anymore. 

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Good Morning...

 

I like what Julestar3 wrote too-and btw, think it is excellent advice. I am going to hang art in "my" bedroom tomorrow actually, and am actively looking to switch out the sheets/comforter/etc and call the room my own. That may include changing up the shades and maybe changing the paint color, but keeping the furniture and placement of the things as they are.  I started bagging up some clothes, but not all. I've decided to do that in many stages as the year progresses. I know my husband would want others to benefit from his clothes asap. He was not one to dwell or look in the rear-view mirror. He was also not a religious person, but I've found a tremendous amount of solace in my own Faith as well as other Faiths...so I've become a little pan-faithful. :) In particular, I like the Buddhist perspective of staying in the present moment and appreciating it for all it is even if it only offers a rough/sad quality to it. I find that allowing anything to come up is healing and it allows it to fluidly move out of me rather than stay and take up a "home" if you will.  I say this now. I'm just shy of 3 months out and this is what works in this moment.  I too have many regrets and wish we could have been in a place to discuss "What-ifs" but in my situation, that would not have been at all possible, and maybe that is all for the best. I will create a full, real new life on my own and trust that I am blending what he would have wanted with my own on this new path.  Know that you did the best you could in a very difficult and painful situation. He did too. I have a feeling you were a Godsend to him and maybe he wouldn't have been up to discussing "What ifs" and you granted him a huge peaceful favor by not going there. Some people cannot cope thinking about death at all-I know with my Mother, it NEVER came up-I'm pretty sure my father never brought it up at all. We helped her most by helping her fight the cancer and concentrating our efforts with that and prayed for recovery. That's OK too. I feel certain you will intuit what his wishes would be if he was talking to you directly now. 

 

Can you continue to run the business (or do you want to?) I think there are others on this Board that shared businesses with their spouses, btw, so maybe search through some older posts. You may find some good useful information there on continuing it if possible and you wish to, or not. I am going back to work FT (I was primarily a SAHM) and luckily I think I have just found a dream job. 

 

Like Julestar3, I tend to go to bed late now (between 12midnight-1am) because I know I'll fall asleep very quickly and sleep soundly.  I get up at a reasonable hour again (between 7-8am)  just to make sure that cycle is good for each successive night, as I was falling asleep way too late (one night at 4:30am after keeping a girlfriend on the phone with me one night early into this) but also getting up late too..which is not helpful and made me much more depressed. I know why I was doing it as I'd mentioned  in my first post; getting thru the THUD! of reality is difficult. But as of this week, things are even changing slowly for the better there too. 

 

I look forward to your next post.

-Beryl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You all have been very helpful with your suggestions. Collectively we can hopefully help and support each other just by conversations on this site.  I'm so glad my grief counselor suggested it.

 

I also tend to go to bed late between 11:30 and 1:00...l do some knitting or crocheting. I stopped watching the news because it was adding to my depression and anxiety. I find it much better tuning into Netflix or Amazon Prime. I miss him sitting in his chair next to me, that is so painful. This grief is unbearable at times.

 

I haven't touched his clothes yet to donate. I'm not ready.  My daughter wants to take some shirts and make  quilt. My two boy will take a few things also. Nobody has had the time raising their young families and working. My daughter is due for her second child in 2 weeks,  another girl. It breaks my heart knowing that she will never meet her Grampy. It will be a joyous day but I can see it being very difficult too. Bittersweet!

 

My business is being run by my son and another fellow.  They plan to buy me out eventually. The transition hasn't been as smooth as I would have thought, but you realize when money is involved,  peoples true colors come out. I have faith my husband is watching over everything and guiding me along with my  family. 

 

Thank you all for the support. 

 

Mary

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Remember, there is no time table but your own. It took a couple years for my teen girls to allow me to pare down my LH’s clothing, shoes and coats.

 

Another crazy recommendation...If you can, if you haven’t methodically washed everything as I did. Keep a few shirts he might have worn and might have his scent on them still and put it in a ziplock bag and just tuck away in your closet or dresser. Sometimes, when hijack grief comes or something triggers you and you need the comfort, burying your face in a shirt that smells like your loved one felt like a comforting hug. It’s helped my kids too when they had a few tough times. 

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