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What am I missing here?


Minny9
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My late wife, Rhonda, was interred in May, 2017, at a cemetery just outside of her home town where we were married in 1997.  It is extremely important to me to visit the cemetery at least once each year, for so many reasons.  For one, Rhonda's cremation plot is alongside her mother's — a woman I never met as she had passed away 13 months before we met, when Rhonda was just 25 and her mother 60.  As it would happen, I had made numerous visits to this cemetery with my wife over our 23 years together, as I would accompany her there every time we visited her home town.  I have to say, as an aside, the cemetery grounds and the immediate surroundings are perhaps the most serene and peaceful of any place I have ever experienced.  To be honest, I had become enchanted with this cemetery over the years, and am so grateful she rests at a place that was already so meaningful and entrancing to me.  Anyway, on to the point of my post tonight...

 

My visit to the cemetery this year has been delayed until now, primarily due to COVID.  However, as things have become less stringent and uncertain (at least here in British Columbia), I finally feel ready to make the 5.5 hour drive from where I live — from where we lived.  In preparation for my visit, I reached out to my wife's family (her cousin, most recently) and asked if he could accommodate me for a couple nights.  But to my absolute astonishment, he refused, saying simply "sorry, but we are just not into the company thing".  In fact, he's actually the 3rd person I've asked now who has likewise stated he or she is unable or unwilling to put me up.  What gives?

 

It seems ridiculous to me to have to stay at a hotel, if that's what I must do.  Even on simply compassionate grounds, I find this insensitivity extremely distressing.  And while I'm on the topic, I never get invited by anyone there to come visit, and always (and not just on this occasion) feel as though I'm imposing whenever I take the initiative myself.  I have at times surmised I must be too painful a reminder of their Rhonda.  Or that the stigma of widowhood just scares the hell out of these people.  Why, as it has been in my experience, must it be the widowed who are always having to initiate get-togethers?  I'm the one who lives alone now!  Last summer, for example, I had reached out to a couple who we were very close to and asked as diplomatically as I could how they would feel about me coming for a visit.  But she declined, saying rather non-specifically "unfortunately, the rest of the summer is spoken for.  We have tons of projects to complete on our house".

 

What am I missing here?  Any thoughts or suggestions, I would be indebted. 

 

- Steve

 

  

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It’s hard to say exactly. I think it is a combination of things. A good portion I believe is the COVID situation. You are over 5 hours away and you see them only occasionally so you essentially are the unknown factor that could be introduced into their sphere. That can be off putting since people don’t know how to socialize with this pandemic. Some people will not take the chance at someone not in their household staying with them and having to take extra measures when this pandemic is exhausting enough. 

 

Another part is we who are widowed often do get left behind from friends and sometimes even family who are still coupled. Their lives got to progress while ours took a massive detour. Sometimes they don’t want the sad reminder and other times we are simply pushed back and are not as important to them anymore. Sad but true.

 

I am sorry the experience has been disappointing but we can’t fix other people’s natures nor should you have to tolerate it. Shrug it off. Don’t let it get to you. Make it a small trip of your own. Do what makes you happy and don’t let their negativity weigh on you. In the end, they have to live with their decision and how they chose to respond to you. 

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You are exactly right on every point.  Thank you, thank you!!

 

I was really worked up when I posted this last night, and after re-reading my entry in the bright light of day I see now that I was just venting and wasn't thinking clearly.  Still, I would have rather these people just be up front with their reasons.  These lame excuses do not sit well with me.  Again, where is the kindness and compassion?  I know my late wife would not stand for this lack of respect towards her husband.  I would even offer that they're not only hurting me, but they're dishonoring her memory.

 

Her loss and the myriad of changes to my life (all of our lives) has been so overwhelming and confusing at times.  The emotions evolve, but they are still there every day.

 

- Steve

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Steve - the easiest explanations many times hit the nail on the head:  

 

Maybe they are assholes.  People can be odd in general. After the shock of an early death of a loved one, they can get even odder. Who knows?

 

Sorry this is how it went down for you. 

 

Mike

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Sorry this happened to you. COVID could be a factor in the in-laws decision. In this area we are advised to mask up in our homes anytime a person is in the house who does normally reside in that home. 

 

One another occasion a community member's spouse died suddenly. The sib came to town for services and was made to feel so unwelcome the neighbors took him in. There was overwhelming  support for the community member. Maybe we seem to relate to the widowed person. I really don't know.

 

FWIW, I really don't like to have houseguests. DH had family living out of state and wanted adequate space to accommodate them. We bought a home larger than we needed for that reason. I dreaded each visit. I suffered through the visits because I loved him. I was always so relieved when everyone left. I wanted to go to a hotel.

 

Privacy is important to me. I don't stay in other people's homes and don't want them here.  Years ago a long time ago school mate wanted to visit. DH said yes before talking to me. His heart was in the right place. He didn't know this nut job! No way I would have let her stay here. She was looking for a free place to flop. Nothing more. She made such a nuisance of herself that I told her to leave after a few days.

 

When we came home from a long day's work he would take the car he left for her to use and refuel!! Dang, you'e living free and can't even gas up the car for your trips to who knows where. I have no idea if she had insurance or even a valid driver's license. 

 

The last time she contacted me I was widowed and the hotel was closed. Never heard from her again. Mission accomplished.

Edited by soloact
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Minny9,

I am sorry you experienced this. Not sure of the whys.  Too many possibilities. Hurtful, nevertheless.  

Covid - some of it likely.

Your late wife's family not committed to you anymore.  Maybe. My brother lost his wife to cancer and continued to reach out to his stepdaughter (18 and in college when my brother married her mother) and the extended family.  The stepdaughter pretty much ended the relationship with his many attempts to engage not reciprocated.  He had made her and her husband the executors of his will and for his inheritance, as he never had children. His late wife's extended family really gave all contact up when his late wife's mother passed. It is sad to be expendable.  

My late husband and I were the hub for family gatherings after my mother moved to our city for support. I enjoyed having Christmas, Easter, birthday celebrations and such. Well, my husband died and doing that all myself was difficult. Things changed with my siblings, even. Then my mother died. Even getting together with my siblings is seldom. It is sad to have connections lost with death. 

I don't understand the lack of hospitality. We have grown a bit selfish,   I think,  in our space and unwillingness to share, to be inconvenienced for a  day or two. My father's side of the family and my father made every attempt to connect with family when driving somewhere, to stop by and sometimes stay the night. I had a favorite aunt that loved on me when I would  fly into her city and stay the night on my way to see my boyfriend turned husband. She treated me like a queen!  We don't do that anymore.  Add a chair to the table or make the table longer when we have excess.  I had college kids stay at my house when touring, singing at churches. I hosted teen youth weekends for Christian retreats. One of my brothers had foreign exchange students for a semester in his home. He and his wife also invited  foreign college students over the holidays for meals at the college where he was a professor. They could not go back to their homes always for the long breaks.  I miss the extension of grace, which is how I see it. My humble opinion.

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I am another one of those people who don't care for company. I don't think I'd ask if I could stay with any of my husband's family, and I would feel as if I don't know many of his relatives well enough to feel comfortable having them here. We were married 25 years. I have to say, though, his wasn't particularly close to his family. Maybe you late wife wasn't close to hers. Or maybe her feelings weren't reciprocated?

My late husband would periodically call his brother and his favorite cousin, but they rarely if ever called him. I don't recall that Late H ever called his sister and BIL; maybe, when his parents passed away.
COVID has made everything more complicated. I am not freaked out about it at all,  (I've lost both parents and my spouse. I'm acutely aware we're all going to die) but I also would not host people I barely know who live five hours away. I don't know what the governmental guidelines are in Canada. I have read that a wacky customer of a particular grocery store is stalking employees on Facebook, and alerting the corporate office when one of them travels out of the province, or something (?) forcing that employee to take a two week furlough.

Death does change things. My mother, her siblings and their children used to get together for pot-luck once each summer. Oddly, it was when my DAD died that we all stopped doing that. Mom planned the shindig - house and yard in order- my brother perfectly mowing and weeding the yard. Aside from my siblings and our spouses, only one relative came, stayed for an hour or so. Everyone else stayed away. We haven't gotten together since 2004.

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faye, I'm ok with people visiting sans suitcase and toothbrush. It's the overnight folks I could do without. One exception would be DH's niece. She was in town a few years for grad school. I just loved her to death. She lived on campus but spent a lot of time here with us. We quizzed her for exams and other study assistances.There were times before she started grad school and after graduation that she was in town and a very welcome guest. She made herself at home. By that I mean her hands weren't broken. 

 

She never expected me to return home from a twelve hours shift and prepare her favorite meal to her specifications. She was truly a family member and pitched in. So many times I had to tell her to sit down and relax. I could not believe it when she laundered her bed linens and remade the bed before leaving Towels were laundered and neatly folded on the bed. That's over and above but gives an idea of how thoughtful she is.

 

We've had some real crackpots here over the years not related to either of us. In every instance it was because the "guests" wanted the services of a fine hotel without the expense. I put guests in quotes as they invited themselves. 

 

When dear niece graduated we were all there celebrating her accomplishment. Her parents planned to throw a party at a hotel they chose. We suggested using our house as the place they selected cost a fortune. There were agreeable. This party was put together in a few hours. Each person who knew the area went for a very good takeout . The others helped with setup. When all returned we had a good day enjoying each other and a lot of good food. Everyone commented on how well this group effort turned out. 

 

They all had to take food home too. We have a no leftovers policy. :)

Edited by soloact
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