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Hello, I am new to the forum. I was widowed in 2013. Pat died from suicide. We have 4 children. I did what they say not to and moved to another state within months of Pats death and also started a relationship. That ended up being a bad choice. I am now out of that and struggling to cope with everything I had pushed away for 7 years. I don't even know what I feel or want to feel anymore. Thanks for reading.

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Hi, Sassy. 
 

I don’t post much anymore, but I saw your message and wanted to reply. I was widowed 11 1/2 years ago. I met a widower 6 months later and at 12 months out, I moved to be with him. We married 18 months after I lost my first husband. It was truly wonderful. Don’t be hard on yourself for finding a connection early in widowhood. 

 

Less than 3 years after we married, my second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep. I was heartbroken again. It took me a much longer time to consider meeting someone new again. I have been seeing a 2x widowed man for about 16 months now. We are taking things much slower than in the past. I’m okay with that. It has been 7 years since my second husband died. I’m not in a hurry to get married, but we now talk about a future together. He just lost his mother to COVID, so he has even more on his plate now. 
 

Take the time you need to address your grief (which might be complicated.)

 

Take the time to process this recent relationship (which might be complicated.)

 

It might be hard to be alone. I get it. I did see a counselor for quite awhile after my second husband died. It helped to put words on my confusing feelings and it validated my experiences. 
 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

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Hi Sassy, glad you came to this forum.  There are a variety of topics in here that will likely mean something to you.  My wife passed away 4.5 years ago.  Having kids (I have only one) presents lots of other challenges, but also lots of love and support.  There's lots of people here who have gone through a lot. Some can share what has worked well and what hasn't gone well for them. I hope you find some of these experiences helpful for you.  I certainly found a community here who understood pretty well what I was going through.  

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Maureen, thank you so much for your reply, I am so sorry for what you've been through! I have been in therapy off and on. I'm in the process of getting back in to see someone. I know I need time but time is what bothers me. I want to be married again someday. I feel like I just wasted 7 years on this guy and now I'm going to wait several more until I find someone right. I guess I'm impatient lol. Your reply gave me things to think about though and it makes me feel better knowing people are out there who get it.

 

Paul thank you for your reply also! I'm so glad I found this forum, it's so hard to talk to people who have no idea what it's like. Even reading the posts here makes me feel better! It's been so long I feel like I should be further along in the process than I am but like Maureen said, it's complicated grief.

Thank you both again!

 

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Hi Sassy,

 

Yes, grief is complicated. I would recommend throwing time out the window. Time is a trap. We gain time, we lose it, we waste it, and then we get mad about it. It eats up too much energy. I say don't sell yourself short and try to find a good person who will make you happy and respects you and your kids. I used to believe that a person only finds their soulmate once in their lifetime. My mom would say you need to find the lid to your pot but I have learned with patience you can find someone who can do a pretty damned good job to being a soulmate in their own way - another perfectly good lid! 

 

I was widowed in spring 2016 due to my husband having a heart attack and I navigated dating a year later, making many mistakes on the way but learning a lot about myself and identifying what I need in a partner. I have now been with someone for 3 years at the end of the month. Be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up over your last relationship. Just look at it and see what you learned, what worked, what didn't, and use it as data. Good luck and I hope you find a good fit for a therapist. 

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