I'm not young anymore

[lovelorne]

In a couple of days I will be 59.  I was 49 when I was widowed - that was young.  It's been 9 1/2 years since I held his hand.

 

At 59, I don't feel old, but I sure don't feel young.  I've had a couple of relationships since (one ongoing), and while I can honestly say I love(d) those men, there is no marriage in my future.  I married the last person for the last time and he's been gone longer than we were together.  Time just keeps passing.  

 

An old friend was just widowed.  It got me thinking about how alone I feel most of the time.  I have friendships and good relationships with my adult children, but this isn't the old age I planned for.  

 

I am grateful for what I have in my life, but there's a pervasive sadness that I've never been able to throw off.  I know where it comes from.  I don't ever get to sit on a porch in rocking chairs with my husband.  That was the old age I wanted.  Just getting old together.  

 

 

 

 

[Julester3]

Hugs 

[trying2breathe]

lovelorne   A pervasive sadness - that describes widowhood for me well.  I'm generally content and work hard at living life and putting on a happy face but there is a sadness - that knowledge that love and plans for old age was taken away -  that underlies it all.   It affects my current relationship and what I imagine would be any future ones too.  sigh ... 

[Lmsmdm]

Coming up on 10 years myself.... it’s surreal at times. 

[tybec]

"Pervasive sadness."   

 

I have this "what am I do to do the rest of my life?" feelings that are empty.  I have times of joy and then they turn to sadness quickly as I don't have my person to share them with, mostly with my son's growth. 

I was sitting in church, and I was thinking about my son's first date he had last night, and he asked her to prom.  And I was smiling, under my mask, and then it changed to that hurt in my middle, and tears welled up.  His dad was supposed to be here for this. His dad was supposed to talk to him about girls, dating, everything.  He has had to have just me.  And he did tell his youth leader two weeks ago he had a girlfriend now.  And I was so happy he shared that but then remembered he chose him because he could not tell his dad. He has accomplished so much in the 9 years his dad has been deceased.  That is hard for me, not having his dad to share it with.

 

And so in a less than 2 years, he is off to college. So what for me?  Work is not fulfilling. Never was supposed to be my end all, in my humble opinion.

 

So I get it.  9 years.  I think maybe when my son might marry, and I become a grandma ( cross fingers) that may be really joyful and fill in some holes. But that is likely another 10 years away.  He is 17.  So, I get bits of joy here and there. I do all the "right" things to keep going, but still have pervasive sadness........ And I keep getting older. 

[Adley]

Pervasive sadness...exactly.