Jump to content

Anticipatory Grieving


Shelby
 Share

Recommended Posts

Maureen, so much THIS

 

But as I have said before, I was very well prepared for him to die.  But...I was not prepared for him to be dead.  I went home from the hospital after he died and sat on my bed and the thought that came to me was, "The day I have dreaded for over 18 years has arrived."  I could not have anticipated the deep sorrow I felt after he was gone.

 

Some days I wake up and still expect to see him which is weird since I've remarried.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

I definitely did some pre-grieving. My first huge breakdown was about 3 1/2 months before he passed away. One night I asked him a question about the dinner I was making. He thought and then he said "Here's what you do" with a facial expression I'd seen a million times. It hit me that soon I would never see it again and would never have his help in the kitchen.

 

Later, when we knew for sure the chemo wasn't working and it was only a matter of time, I told myself the reality was that life was going to be hard for a long time. Somehow that took the pressure off later.

 

It helped me to steel myself for the pain to come, and to put me in the mindset of making his last days as happy and comfortable as possible. It also allowed me to put things in motion while I was still thinking fairly clearly: I reached out to my lieutenants and gave them names and numbers of people I wanted them each to contact when the time came. When the time did come, I just said "Go" and they did the rest. In turn, I could concentrate better on my children and my mother-in-law.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...

Thanks for bringing this back up Bear. I didn't accept it one bit until the last morning. I'd never seen a problem we couldn't whip. Someone else said this well on another thread-  processed the death intellectually almost immediately, but over two years in the emotional processing kicked in.

  Thats when I found you all, at two and a half years. I realized if I didn't get some help, my heart would be the next unconquerable enemy. And you all have been wonderful help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

My wife was diagnosed with primary cancer over eleven years ago, and with terminal cancer eight years ago.

 

That's a lot of time to assimilate, at least intellectually, what was going to happen. The moment her terminal prognosis was confirmed, that was when we knew she would die young, and there's no question I started grieving at that moment. I remember sitting in hospital corridors with her mother crying and hugging for hours on end. That was when I started to live with the fact that she and I would never grow old together.

 

After that horrible time, when her prognosis was very poor, things unexpectedly started to improve. My wife defied the doctors' expectations and went into remission for nearly seven years, despite the fact that the cancer had come back very aggressively. Over that period, while we knew it would end badly, we achieved such a degree of stability and normality that we would go for weeks or months at a time without thinking directly about what was going to happen. I don't wish to minimize how hard it was for her to live in the face of an early death and deal with physical hardship and discomfort, but she refused to waste her time worrying when she didn't have to. Similarly, while I knew I'd be widowed young, only once or twice did I confront this reality head-on, in all its horror. We more or less decided not to waste our time on misery when we didn't have to. After all, the misery would take care of itself. I think this was the right thing to do, and I don't regret it for one moment.

 

We made the most of every hour, and said all the things we needed to say.

 

My wife died in November, and it was not unexpected, but it's only in the last several weeks that the reality of her loss is starting to hit home. I think now that I overestimated the extent to which I had processed and accepted what had happened. I thought I was OK, but now I think I've been hiding from what it means to be without her. I just miss her so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 7 months later...

I was only a caretaker for two years. i could not admit that my husband was actually going to die until he slipped into a coma days before his death. I remember hiding from everyone in the bathroom, trying to calm myself down by making plans on how I was going to deal with his absence. That was shot to hell pretty quickly. Widowhood was so much harder than my imagination could possibly conjure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...

I see that this forum has not been posted in in some time, but it still comforted me to read this thread. Even reading amongst other widows and grieving people I do not relate. 

My husband was practically perfect. We had what I considered a fairy-tale marriage, I loved him more every day. Then when I was 41.5 weeks pregnant with our second child, he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Not just probably terminal - but 100% terminal. He was 30 and I was 29. We had been together for 10 years and had the happiest little life. 

6 weeks later when we found out it was already more advanced than the doctors had suspected, THAT was when I fully grieved. The not wanting to eat, only staying in motion for the kids, tears could cover the earth, grieving. But I had a 6 week old and a 4 year old and had to keep moving. During that brain surgery, my incredible, amazing husband suffered a stroke which left him physically affected, but, more devastatingly, different as a person from the man I married. He was still a good and loving man, but his executive function was pretty well gone. All his very best traits, the things that made him above all others to me - were gone. His selflessness, what a hard worker he was, his habit of being attentive and observant...all gone in an instant. I did not accept that these changes were permanent until a year after the stroke, and that is when things became so hard for me as a caregiver. He was still working, but every aspect of his life was managed by me. He went from being a heavy hitter with the cleaning and laundry to doing nothing, ever. He was capable of a lot still, but the motivation, logic and follow through were gone. It was so hard for me sometimes to stay kind, to stay loving. I knew it was what he deserved from me because this was not his fault, but it was so HARD. I am the homeschooling mom of two, but the ability to go out and get a job and plan for the future did not exist. He could not drive anymore and the appointments, appointments, appointments, surgeries, surgeries, on top of getting him to and from work every day meant that all I could do was wait and hope things would shake out OK in the end and the kids and I would not end up destitute. 

You usually have a year with his diagnosis. He was an extreme outlier - he survived for 5. I did my best during this time to create memories for the kids. It absolutely kills me that I picked the best father in the whole word for them and my daughter already doesn't remember who he was before the stroke and my son never even got to know him as he was. Five divorces between my two parents and we created a stable, loving, healthy marriage that my children won't get the benefit of having modeled. I wanted our son to grow up just like his dad. Who will teach him? 

But yes, anticipatory grief is a very real thing, at least for some. I do not relate to any of the new widow posts. I felt all those feelings 4 years ago - I lost my husband in pieces along the way. I have grieved for so long for the man I lost. It is still harder than I thought it would be right now. (He passed on the 4th, the day before his 36th birthday.) I'm getting gut punches of agony here and there that I really was not expecting. The nights once my children are in bed are the worst. 

The last 5 years I have had to keep it down tight. I have been mourning my husband but I wasn't allowed. Because he was still here and seemed the same to others and he was fighting the hard fight. I just had to be the doting cancer spouse. But my heart was screaming, "He is gone! He is gone!" I missed him so much but I was not allowed to say it. I think some of that is bubbling up. Being allowed to miss the man I married, finally. 

Edited by Silverfish
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry for your loss. I understand why it's hard for you to relate to recently widowed folks. I couldn't either.

Even though we lose our spouses bit by bit over time, the actual physical loss with their passing still goes off like a bomb in our lives and it's unsettling because hurts, you miss them, and yet it doesn't seem the same as other people's and you feel like you don't fit. Or you are doing "it" wrong.

But you are perfectly normal. Your fears for the future, your kids, and the empty space your husband left even though he wasn't the same man you married. They are all familiar to me.

You might want to try reading the posts of people who are farther out. I found I could relate better to those.

 It will not feel like it now, or for a while, but things do settle and you eventually feel like yourself again. Things get better over time. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. But mostly just remember that it's okay to feel what you feel. Don't compare yourself to anyone else.

Best wishes to you and your children.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’ve been thinking about this thread lately, and Silverfish- your words speak to me so perfectly right now. I’ve been widowed 6 1/2 years and my bf’s dad just became widowed around Thanksgiving. He had been a caregiver for a decade, to a wife he slowly lost to Alzheimer’s. I definitely see that he experienced a lot of anticipatory grief and though he is certainly grieving, it seems a much different experience than my own. I try to be there for him, but not really sure how even though I feel, as a widow, I should ‘know’. 

 

I’m so sorry, Silverfish. My heart aches for you and your children. One of my childhood friends lost her husband while both her kids were under age 2. Her children are now becoming teenagers and they are amazing compassionate lovely people. It’s not the life she planned for them, but they are a happy family none-the-less. 

 

Caregiving can sometimes have an added layer of guilt to work through, I think. I certainly went through a period of remembering/fixating on my less than perfect caretaker skills. I’m totally at peace with that now. We all did the best we could. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Silverfish- anything you are feeling with the loss of your love is okay, there is no "normal" contrary to what society tells us.   For me, finally being able to miss him was at war with being relieved that the journey of watching him decline into a person I barely recognized. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Silverfish - I am going to guess our husbands had the same diagnosis - GBM?  Everything you said in your post is eerily familiar to me.  My husband was gone long before he died.  In some ways he died the day they cut open his brain and took away his personality.  He died over and over again over the 2 years we lived with this disease through both the physical and psychological shifts from the tumors and all of the different medications treatments.  For two years, I woke each day not knowing which Scott my husband was going to be and with the 100% terminal diagnosis and 6 month prognosis, I woke for two years every day thinking, "Is today going to be the day?"  I kept it all up outwardly but inwardly I was grieving the whole time.  For him, for our daughter, for me.  This grieving while he was still alive traumatized me with guilt while it was happening and it did not diminish my grief and panic once he was gone, even though those two years were terrorizing and even if I had been grieving all along.  Its like the grief double whammy.  Things are better now, nearly 6 years later, but I will never be the same again.  Time has been my friend in this regard but sudden changes of any kind still throw me, and anything that feels like loss brings up in me a primordial and irrational panic and anxiety, both emotional and physiological.  While therapists and doctors swear I did not and do not have PTSD, sometimes I have to wonder.  I wish you peace and if you ever want to reach out, please feel free to pm me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 12/27/2018 at 1:41 AM, anniegirl said:

I am sorry for your loss. I understand why it's hard for you to relate to recently widowed folks. I couldn't either.

Even though we lose our spouses bit by bit over time, the actual physical loss with their passing still goes off like a bomb in our lives and it's unsettling because hurts, you miss them, and yet it doesn't seem the same as other people's and you feel like you don't fit. Or you are doing "it" wrong.
 

 


Yes. Its honestly affecting me more than I thought. New Year's Eve especially was a day of tears just spilling over. Our relationship really started on New Year's Eve 2003. The thought of starting a whole new year without him in it, no memories with him in 2019, is so depressing. 😓
 

On 12/27/2018 at 9:51 AM, Bunny said:

I’ve been thinking about this thread lately, and Silverfish- your words speak to me so perfectly right now. I’ve been widowed 6 1/2 years and my bf’s dad just became widowed around Thanksgiving. He had been a caregiver for a decade, to a wife he slowly lost to Alzheimer’s. I definitely see that he experienced a lot of anticipatory grief and though he is certainly grieving, it seems a much different experience than my own. I try to be there for him, but not really sure how even though I feel, as a widow, I should ‘know’.
 

Caregiving can sometimes have an added layer of guilt to work through, I think. I certainly went through a period of remembering/fixating on my less than perfect caretaker skills. I’m totally at peace with that now. We all did the best we could. 

 

 

Yes, one thing I am really seeing is that based on your personality, your relationship, and the nature of your loss, everyone grieves totally differently. I do feel some guilt for any time I was less than patient, but I really, really did try my best. 
 

On 12/31/2018 at 12:02 PM, twin_mom said:

Silverfish- anything you are feeling with the loss of your love is okay, there is no "normal" contrary to what society tells us.   For me, finally being able to miss him was at war with being relieved that the journey of watching him decline into a person I barely recognized. 


It is so hard to lose them before you actually lose them. 
 

23 hours ago, Toosoon2.0 said:

Silverfish - I am going to guess our husbands had the same diagnosis - GBM?  Everything you said in your post is eerily familiar to me.  My husband was gone long before he died.  In some ways he died the day they cut open his brain and took away his personality.  He died over and over again over the 2 years we lived with this disease through both the physical and psychological shifts from the tumors and all of the different medications treatments.  For two years, I woke each day not knowing which Scott my husband was going to be and with the 100% terminal diagnosis and 6 month prognosis, I woke for two years every day thinking, "Is today going to be the day?"  I kept it all up outwardly but inwardly I was grieving the whole time.  For him, for our daughter, for me.  This grieving while he was still alive traumatized me with guilt while it was happening and it did not diminish my grief and panic once he was gone, even though those two years were terrorizing and even if I had been grieving all along.  Its like the grief double whammy.  Things are better now, nearly 6 years later, but I will never be the same again.  Time has been my friend in this regard but sudden changes of any kind still throw me, and anything that feels like loss brings up in me a primordial and irrational panic and anxiety, both emotional and physiological.  While therapists and doctors swear I did not and do not have PTSD, sometimes I have to wonder.  I wish you peace and if you ever want to reach out, please feel free to pm me.


Yes, he was diagnosed GBM. Yes, that sounds so familiar. I have cried and cried and cried through the years. But I wasn't really allowed to share that with many people. It all had to be kept down. 

Does anyone else feel so traumatized by long-term caregiving that you don't think you could ever risk it again? I have no intentions of dating again anyway, especially because I have young children, but I don't think I could if I wanted too. We took our marriage vows very seriously, and lived them all. Richer or poorer, sickness and in health, until death do you part. They are HEAVY. I don't think I would survive that again.  

Edited by Silverfish
Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a lot of trauma. Healing takes time and grief compounds things. I can totally understand being afraid of the possibility of care giving again in another relationship. It's physically and emotionally draining and it's a legit to worry if one has the stamina for a second round in the future because we all can recall moments when we weren't so saintly during care giving.

Whether you date or not again is not a decision you have to make right now. There is no handbook. No rules. You will do what's best for you and your kids and that's all that matters.

Personally I found the latter half of the first year the hardest but I think it was due to my particular circumstances more than anything else. One day at a time and remembering to self-care (even if that means marking dates on your calendar so you can plan childcare) are helpful things to remember. Don't be hard on yourself. Ask for what you need from the people around you because they will (might have already) move on faster.

It's going to  be okay. Not tomorrow. But the day will come. Knowing that I would find myself at that day was the one thing I held tight to and it helped me more than anything else. Hope for the future is powerful, imo.

I am sorry a significant holiday came up for you so quickly. Anniversaries and holidays are hard. Do what you need to and don't be afraid to embrace a bit of distraction. We all need breaks and grief isn't going anywhere, nor do we get through it quicker by treating it like a job we have to show up to everyday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
On 1/1/2019 at 11:21 AM, Silverfish said:

I do feel some guilt for any time I was less than patient, but I really, really did try my best. 

Hi Silverfish, GBM widow here, 10 years out now. I'm so sorry for your loss. The disease is a beast, and the caregiving extreme. Add to that being a young parent, it's more unfathomably challenging. I long ago forgave myself for any shortcomings as a caregiver.

On 1/1/2019 at 11:21 AM, Silverfish said:


Does anyone else feel so traumatized by long-term caregiving that you don't think you could ever risk it again? I have no intentions of dating again anyway, especially because I have young children, but I don't think I could if I wanted too. We took our marriage vows very seriously, and lived them all. Richer or poorer, sickness and in health, until death do you part. They are HEAVY. I don't think I would survive that again.  

Yes, I felt that way for a long time. After my husband died, I had no interest in dating. I was horribly offended when people suggested I should or would or could. My own feelings morphed about two years in, and I have been in two committed relationships since. My advice would be to not burden yourself with this thought right now, but rather revisit your feelings if and when they change. For now, just focus on grieving in your own way and supporting your grieving children. 

 

Hugs,

 

abl

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.