UnWed Widows, come out come out where ever you are!

[JacklessSally]

How many of you are out there?

What is your story, please share it here.

 

[OSAAT]

Hi JacklessSally,

One Step at a Time here. I was not married to J. That was one of my biggest apprehension into being accepted by other widows. To top that, I left him before he died because the alcoholism wreaked havoc on our relationship. I could not sit back and watch it all crumble and I could not leave. It was awful. I left and he went downhill fast. He ended up dying from huffing. The night he died, I found out he had been sleeping with a lady from work and she was preggers. I was then 2nd class and "just his ex". I was treated like I did not matter. I was told I was a psychopath and would receive nothing of J's. I felt so much shame from all of this. It sent me into an awful depression for 2 years. I felt unworthy of grief, but I was grieving so hard so I tried to hide it and tame it. That only made the depression worse. It was so painful. 4.5 years later I am beyond active grieving and beyond the awful depression. It is very freeing to not be caught up in that still. My heart goes out to all of the new wids!

[mo12]

Me! C and I were engaged and he died suddenly (accident) 5 months before the wedding. We had the date/ location booked and I just picked out the style of dress I wanted the DAY before he died. WTF??? Our daughter was two months old at the time. Just over a year out and am doing well all things considered. Crazy how much has changed though- living back in my hometown, new job, very different life... I miss him every day and wish he was here to share this parenting/ life thing but I'm learning, slowly, to accept all the changes.

[Mizpah]

We weren't married.  Legally, we were domestic partners.  Wore wedding bands, I'd changed my name, we called each other husband and wife, and so did everyone else, but we were not spouses.  We'd been trying to think of a way to "make it official" in a way that was genuine for us, had decided to do it alone with a rabbi on a beach on our next vacation, which would've been a few months after he died.  There was a lot of nonsense because of our status.  For example, I had to take him off my health insurance (because he was dead) but I couldn't without his death certificate.  Well, I wasn't entitled to obtain his death certificate because we weren't married.  Etc., etc.  The whole thing was a mindf***.  Even now, I feel like a fraud - I'd decided that we called each other husband and wife in life, I wouldn't dishonor him by now failing to call him my husband.  But it's not technically true.  I don't want to tell the whole story to every random person it comes up with, so sometimes I feel like a liar.  We thought we had all the time in the world to make it official.  But we rushed to do all the things that mattered - bought our wedding bands within a couple months, changed my name in a few, became domestic partners in less than a year, etc.  Babbling.  Done. 

[kookoo32]

I'm Laura. Graham and I were never married. We were together 10 years before he was killed in an accident at work. He had 2 grown up children from his first marriage (ended in divorce). When he died his family treated me like I didn't exist. My name wasn't mentioned at the funeral - that part of his life was completely ignored. The good thing for me was that 99% of the people there knew I existed!

 

This all took place September/October 2014 and since then as expected I have had no communication with them. I don't even know what they did with his ashes despite him stating in his written will that I was to be present when they were scattered. Despite me not knowing his final resting place he will always be in my head and in my heart and that brings me a lot of comfort. He was smashing bloke. A guy that would do anything for anyone. He was always helping out neighbours. He never took himself too seriously and had a great sense of humor. He has left me with loads of great memories and I am thankful for our 10 years

[pammierae7363]

Bowman and I weren't married when he died.  We both had gone through bad marriages and divorces and weren't ready to "make it legal" just yet.  Although I proposed to him on Leap Year Day in 2012 and we joked about getting married on the 40th anniversary of our first date - 11/14/2015.  (Quick back story - we were sweethearts in junior high, dated for two years, I got scared he would dump me when he went to the high school and dumped him first.  Regretted it immediately.  Things were said and done that were hurtful during the breakup and we didn't speak for over 30 years.  He showed up on Facebook as a friend of a friend 5 years ago and it was like the thirty years apart had never happened.)  He died 01/20/2014 in a car accident on his way to work.  Luckily, he had revised his will, his power of attorney, and his health care advanced directives just a few months before the accident and I was the executor of his estate . . . we wanted to make sure that there were legal "protections" in place if something should happen to one of us.  My wonderful sister and my wonderful mother both told me at the funeral that it didn't matter if there was a "piece of paper" stating I was his wife - we had been in a committed relationship and that God knew the love in our hearts.  The legal system needed the official form from the Probate Court, though, before anyone would talk to me about anything. 

 

I am blessed that his children and his family accepted me as family. 

[fuchsiasky]

Me.  Rob and I were together for 10 years.  He was still legally married to this ex and we just never found the time or money to finish up the divorce.  We always put it to something better.  We were legally common law so I am having no troubles there.  And we had a "wedding" a year before he died.  We knew then that he wouldn't make it.  We knew that dealing with the divorce was just a waste of time and money.  But we had our wedding.  We said what we needed to in front of those that we love most.  So he was my husband...and always will be.

[JacklessSally]

@fuchsiasky

My fiancee was also legally married to his ex at the time of his death. We did not know they were still married until September of 2014, and he was killed in November. He had only re-signed the paperwork like.. 21 days prior to when he was killed. So they are still legally married and he is legally her widow..

[Ruth]

Hey everyone,

 

This is my first post here, so I'm feeling rather unsure, but thought maybe this is the best place to start for me.

 

Michael and I were never legally married according to the laws of my country. However according to the community we grew up in we were married. Our marriage was arranged and I was still a teenager when we got married. We were married for five years and one month when he died at the age of 25. At the time I was pregnant with our daugther, but I lost her eight days after I lost Michael.

 

That's it for now, thank you for letting me share.

[Wheelerswife]

Ruth, you are completely welcome here.  I am so sorry for your losses.  I hope you feel comfortable here and can express whatever is on your heart and mind.  We don't have any rules here for whether or not someone is legally married.  There are others who are very young, also. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[AubreeAnn]

I am unmarried. We knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives with each other. We were going to be married I the coming year and a half. Do I still call myself a widow if we weren't married? What do I say to someone who asks if I have a significant other?

[Wheelerswife]

As far as we are concerned, you can consider yourself widowed. The rest of the world won't understand that. All you can say is that your fiancé died. I know it doesn't render itself to the same consideration that widows get. Your loss should still be recognized. I'm sorry you don't get the support you deserve.

 

Maureen

[duckie]

We're "lucky" where I live in that we have another word in French for living together and unmarried.  If I say my "conjoint" died, people take it seriously.  In anglophone circles, I sometimes refer to him as my husband so people understand.  They don't take it so seriously when you say boyfriend.  It's pretty common where I live though to shack up and never marry.

[AubreeAnn]

Thank you both. Unfortunately the loss isn't considered as "severe" by society if you aren't married. I lost my future just like other widows. Your guidance helps. Thank you so much.

[sandrine2279]

I think today is the day to speak about my condition of unwed widow, who never cared getting married or not (like my man).

 

I've been treated as if we were married during the funerals. Anyway, the family of my beloved teddy bear is always so dumb they couldn't handle nothing properly (even went to the toilets instade of following the coffin...).

 

I had only three years with the love of my life.

 

Sorry, if I wasn't given the chance to spend the rest of my life with my wonderful men and most of all,  if he wasn't given the chance to live (he was 32).

 

Today, I am 15 weeks out and it hurts enough.

 

Today his mother insisted like she never did before, asking me to give "his family" all of his favorite stuff that "were important to him" and I am offered to keep my own presents I gave him...

 

I was ready to break my heart to give them a part of his stuffs  but it seems they want to let me nothing.

 

The reason she told me is that "his family" have been with him for 30 years (they never took care of him like I did btw) and so that's normal I don't keep memories.

 

I asked for weeks to send me photos of him I don't have and the only video with his voice (he hated pics and video) and never received anything.

 

His (step)father who has never been a real father for him wants his favoriteskin  bombers to wear it and asked for it even before we burried my bear (ughhh),  so respectfull...

and I have so many memories with that piece of my bear.

 

So, I don't mine not being part of this family since I have  never liked the way they treated him since he was a little boy,  but my bear and I had projects and we were our own little family (talking babies, a new dog, planting trees in the garden two days before I lost him...).

 

Love you my Bear.

[Wheelerswife]

Sandrine,

 

If I was you, I would consider taking the personal things that are very important to you and to your relationship with your bear and storing them in a safe place.  Those things that he had before you and that really were not a part of you and your bear...perhaps you should just give them to his family.  If there are items that they want and you cannot part with them, tell his family you are not ready to let go.

 

My situation is somewhat different from yours.  I was married to my second husband, but we had less than 4 years together.  There are many things that my husband's brother wanted.  I told him to make me a list, and when I was ready to go through my husband's things, I would make sure he got the items that he wanted if I chose not to keep them.  It took me 2 1/2 years to be ready, but his brother got almost everything he asked for and much more.  My BIL seems satisfied with how this worked out.

 

Your bear's family grieves their own loss and in their own minds, they were family to him.  My first husband's mother told me several times that losing your child is harder than losing your spouse.  In her mind, this was the absolute truth.  It hurt me each time she said this, until finally one day I stopped her and told her that they were two different things and we were both grieving and it didn't have to be a competition.  That made her think somewhat differently.  As much as you may know that your bear was not taken care of so well by his family and that he had the best years of his life with you, they see things from their own eyes.  They have lost their son and they grieve.  They want to hold on to their memories of him, just as you do.  They may not be able to understand your bond with him and how you were the most important family to him.  You know this.  You were the person he chose to live his life with.

 

I wish that I could tell you how to address this situation easily, but it is not easy.  Sometimes we have to find our voices and try to gently tell people that their words and actions hurt us.  You may need to tell his mother and stepfather that you continue to grieve heavily (just as they do) and you are not yet able to consider letting go of his property.  Assure them that you will not throw anything away, and that, in time, you will consider their requests.  I imagine that in the future, you will be more ready to give them some of what they want.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

[sandrine2279]

Thank you Maureen for you answer,

 

His mother is pressuring me calling all the time since yesterday.  She tries to call my mother too.

This stressful situation is really making me sick.

15 weeks out = it's yesterday he leaved my office and never came back home...

You're right I need time but they don't want to let me some.

At least, one year would be a more acceptable timeline for me.

I don't even know when or if I would be able to get back to our house one day.

 

Hugs

 

Sandrine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kater]

This is small potatoes compared to your situation, but my husband had an old radio cabinet that he got from his grandparents, I think.  It was in pretty rough shape, but we had it refinished and it is beautiful.  I love old furniture and both S and I really liked this piece.  The first time I had his brother over to my house (after S had died....we did not have a relationship before then), he was eying up the cabinet.  He had clear memories of it from his childhood.  I mentioned to my sister in law that he probably should have it, if it has family ties.  She suggested that, if he outright asked for it (which he never did), that I tell him that I will make sure it makes its way back to him and his family, but I am just not ready to do that right now.  I thought that was a great comment.  And I think I will offer it to him someday, even though I paid for the refinishing and it has been a much loved piece of furniture for me for 20 years. 

 

I do like Maureen's suggestion that you ask them to make a list.  If they don't know what they want, then they don't get it.  But I also sympathize that they probably want something(s) of his for that connection to him.

 

Ugh.  I am sorry you have to deal with this.  It all just sucks.

[sandrine2279]

Thank you Maureen and Kater,

 

Since my last post, his mother  went to the police station accusing me of robbing my bear's stuff and she said to my parents I was mean with him.

It also seems that she and her daughter read all the text messages I sent to my bear since the police has given them his phone and she also made sure, a few weeks ago, that my bear's friend who also have the only video with his voice won't give it to me.

Finally, she came at my parents and told them putting a stone on his grave is not her business...  today I learnt his father  was seen at the cementary leaving with flowers he took from the bins....

and I can't keep my bear's memories because we weren't married....

sorry, I needed to write it there.

 

 

Hugs.

 

[Guest nonesuch]

I remember my neighbor telling me that when her Dad died, the children from his first marriage came and took everything.  I think she told me that she didn't have a single memento of her father.

 

Maybe I'm sneakier than a lot of you.

 

if there were things I really wanted to keep, they would be quietly stored at a friend's house, one of my friends, not one of his.

 

Actually LH's brother did ask about a specific item, and I never did find it.  It was a table saw that had belonged to their Dad.  I honestly could have parted with that...(I have two others) but whether LH sold it at a yard sale, bartered it, or broke it, I haven't any idea.  Sometimes things do get lost.

 

I'm sorry this has happened.  The only thing LH's daughter wanted was money, and that part was already determined by his will.  In fact, I had wanted to send her something, but he was kind of a pack rat, and there was nothing especially valuable or useful or sentimental that I ever found.

[kaleighmorgan13]

Hi all.

 

Where to begin.... I'm here because my boyfriend of 3 years was killed instantly in a single vehicle car accident 1 month ago on the 19th. I hate to call him just a boyfriend, as he was so much more - my soulmate, my best friend, my rock, the love of my life.... We lived together for the last 2 years. Though we weren't married yet, we had a beautiful life together.

 

That being said, we had our rough times. We had some trust issues and had broken up very recently for less than a month. After getting back together and deciding to put all of our past issues behind us, we had a ridiculously amazing last 2 months together. We were talking every day about getting married, and I think he was planning on proposing soon. Things were just so. insanely. perfect. I kind of feel like the break up happened for a reason... maybe God knew He was going to take Brad and wanted things to really end for us on a beautiful, happy note. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, but I can't begin to fathom what the reason would be for taking someone who had so much life and love ahead of him.

 

So anyway, now my best friend is gone, just like that. I feel numb, empty, and lost. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. I don't know why this has to happen. I miss him so much already, and it's only the beginning...

[Christopher]

Marriage, according to thousands of years (the majority of mankind's existence) and since the Beginning:

 

Man + Woman + Sex = Marriage.

 

Corporations want to get their filthy hands in there and say things like "Not until you have a license!"

The authority of the corporations, like the United States LLC and its State corporations, descends through the legal system from the Throne of Lucifer in Vatican City LLC. Go ahead and research the legal system if you want, you'll find the same information. Personally I don't let demons tell me anything, especially whether or not I am married.

 

So those of you who were unwed under the demonic principalities of MindControl (GovernMent translates to this) were in truth married to the one you lost. Your widowhood is authentic.

 

Sex is sacred. Be careful who you lay with. Women store the electromagnetic imprint and DNA of every man they lay with. Men do a similar thing. Don't just share it freely.

[Drafter]

My story is simple…

We were in a long term relationship (LTR) for close to 20 years. Never married. Thankfully in this day and time most people (including my employer) understand that but still respected the fact that we were a couple so we were still legally able to have insurance together etc., etc., etc.,... The worst thing is NJ doesn’t recognize un-wed couples (like other states) as common law marriage so a lot of legal issues are being sorted out.

 

[faye]

Very few states, less than a dozen, recognize common law marriage.

 

A buddy of mine want to be on his girlfriend's  insurance.  The policy of her insurance company and employer was that you had to be married. 

 

Actually, at that time, they would have covered same sex domestic partners, too.  But if you could be legally married, you needed to do that. I guess I can see the point, you wouldn't want someone changing his or her covered partner every few months.

 

My friend and his girlfriend got married and just didn't tell anyone.

[Anni]

Minh an I was together about 10 months and only lived together about 2 weeks when he was hospitalized. We were together in the hospital almost 32 days with me in the room with him at night except when he was 24 hr dialysis in the ICU. He was Asian so even if we were married, I still will not be family to his family since I am not Asian.  I got to speak at the funeral and put the last rose into the grave. He is buried in the family plot 2000 miles from me. I did keep some of his ashes. We were soulmates and deeply loved each other even before the hospital, but that bonding us deeply. He would have been alone most of the time and died alone with just hospital staff but I had come into his life when I needed to be there.

 

His ex wife has been the one that treated me as family. She even invited me to join her and their 12 year old twins for Thanksgiving din sum. She is also not Asian. She let me take things from the condo that I wanted and has been very supportive. We had to become a team during Minh's long hospitalization.

 

I have become very comfortable saying I am a widow. One of the members told me that since I saw him to and thru his death, I am one. How do I cope. I wear his clothes that does fit, even his high tech jockey underwear that he use to tell me how comfortable they were. I have his cell phone (his ex joined me to say since he gave it to me , it is mine) and do some Yelp posts that the people who follow him enjoy. I am making a memory book of his time before me since I was the one that got to go thru his things to sort them out.

 

But it seem that lately, 2 months out, I have just tired of living. I had to move out of the condo and may have to take a job away from this area since I have been unemployed since a few weeks before he was in the hospital. That is hurting so much, since I have been the one handling his mail and it feels like I am losing him again.

 

That is my story. We were 2 career people who put our careers 1st during our 1st marriages and finally found the person who we loved so much they came 1st.