Jen Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Another post by Wifeless that meant a lot to me and still does. Fellow YWBB members, Although each of us here knows all too well how catastrophic the loss of our spouse has been, trying to impress this on those around us, probably none of whom are widowed, is often a frustrating task. So I recently went looking for a one page explanation (the attention span of most people) of what specifically makes the loss of one's spouse so "unique and devastating". But, after finding nothing suitable on the web or in print, I decided to take on the question myself. Below is an attempt to briefly explain the true extent and unique nature of our loss, how devastating that loss has been to our lives, and the tremendous challenges we now face. Words alone may never be able to truly convey these to the non-widowed, but words are all we have. Perhaps the following ones can help. Unique and Devastating Loss (by WifeLess) With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiance, significant other, partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with. But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned. Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future. And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse's death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past. And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone. Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Thank you for reposting my "Unique and Devastating Loss" essay. I hope it will be of help to any new widow or widower who finds their way here. --- WifeLess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Your essay resonated so well with me especially in my early days when I thought nobody understood or got it. When I read this I thought yes this.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widowat33 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 So happy to see this here..I posted once about how they were more than just our spouse, and you directed me to this thread. Beautifully written and so true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabzmom Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I would like to bookmark this thread or save to a favorite. Is there a way to do that on this board? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Great essay... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Since "Letter To A Friend" was just reposted for newer members, perhaps there would be value in bumping this up as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Since the Holiday Season is often a time for memories and reflection, bumping this thread up as a reminder of how much is lost when we are widowed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elbel66 Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 This describes so many of my feelings perfectly. At this point (almost 4 months out), I don't want to be a part of anything where people don't know me as part of the couple I was with my husband....even if they didn't know him, they knew I was a wife and half of a couple. At my jobs, few have met my husband, yet they heard me talk about him. I am not ready to move onto a job where people will meet me as a widow, as single, not as half of a couple. I am still married in my mind and heart and feel I will remain so for the foreseeable future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 Today marks exactly 7 years since my wife's tragic death. To commemorate this sad day, I am bumping this thread up for all who have suffered their own unique and devastating loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 Hugs, Wifeless. Thank you for your contributions to this board and its predecessor. You have been willing to be open with the experience of losing your wife and that has touched many people. I will always remember how you were there for me, too, when I lost John. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluebird Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Today marks exactly 7 years since my wife's tragic death. To commemorate this sad day, I am bumping this thread up for all who have suffered their own unique and devastating loss. Thank you WifeLess, I still remember the day I first read this post because it had such a tremendous impact on me. As sad as all of our losses are, it felt good to know that someone else understood what I was going through. I can't believe it is seven years since you lost Beverly. From all you have shared about her I know she is a very special and much loved person. With love and hugs, Bluebird Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbanyard Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 This is so beautifully written, and so very true on all counts. Thank you for writing it, and thank you everybody for understanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth_krkswidow Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Perfect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest KiwiMac13 Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 I'm 2 months tomorrow and your words are exactly how I feel right now. I really can't imagine how my future is going to turn out now. Thanks for writing. Kiwi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WifeLess Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Since it is exactly 8 years for me today, I'm bumping this up again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Hug, Wifeless. I'm less than a month from 8 years into widowhood myself. These words say so much. Thank you! Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Hi Wifeless, I am week away from one year and feels as I wrote it. Hats off buddy. Manoj Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anni Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Thank you for posting that. I know I am not the only one, but never thought I would be so affected this way. I have never let anyone as close as I let Minh. Just wished for more time, even if it was only a few more months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rifatheroffour Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 After almost 5 years I can't believe that I never read this before today. Beautifully written, unbelievably on point and excruciatingly emotional. Thank you Wifeless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leadfeather Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 I had not seen this before. It was a Godsend to read this today on the first anniversary of my wife's death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAYoungWidow Posted December 4, 2017 Share Posted December 4, 2017 This resonates to me so much because not only did we share those bonds, but he literally had a piece of me. I was his kidney organ donor 11 years ago, so we bonded even so much more after that. I truly hope these feelings of loss, emptiness, guilt and overall sadness do go away or at least lessen over time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 thank you so much for bumping this thread It is so on point and truly says it all Beautifully written Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted May 6, 2018 Share Posted May 6, 2018 Bump for new members Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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