Sleep overs

[Trying]

This topic has come up here before but it came up last night with New Guy so I wanted to get some opinions.

 

We have have been together a year but my kids (18,16,11) have only known about it for 7 months. My youngest is comfortable around him, oldest is polite but mostly avoidant and middle one completely avoids contact other than hello.

 

We have had only a few overnights and my children don't know about any of them.  I don't want to set a bad example and I definitely would not have him stay in my home if they were there. New guy is patient and understanding but his kids are only 4 and 5 so he doesn't totally get why I didn't want them to know I was with him when we went away for a weekend recently. He doesn't pressure me to spend the night ever but he did ask last night when I thought I would be ready to tell my kids "staying at new guys place tonight".

 

So for those of you with kids old enough to understand what sleeping over means, did you ever do this with a new chapter 2 love outside of marriage or moving in together? And if you did, how did you handle it? 

 

[klim]

Trying you know I want the answer to this too.......

 

 

 

Keep thinking I'm going to get brave and just say it some day...... but nope can't do it.

 

 

My boys are 17 and 19 and it's a tough age .  Teenagers are aware their parents are sexually beings but don't want to think about that. If our husbands had still been alive, the activities involved in a "sleepover" would have occurred covertly. No announcement "Mom's going to have sex tonight"  And now we are basically saying that when  we say " I'm staying over at New guys"

 

So far I've been ok telling them that we are vacationing together, which means staying the nights together, but I feel they are ok with that because there is another reason for me staying there. I've even faked a overnight trip to a "cottage up north" and then just stayed at his place.( maybe I should have put that in confessions of a widow) but I don't like that I did that.

 

Again just saying I'm in the same boat.......   

 

 

[Guest mawidow]

Trying, you know I feel for you. This stuff is not easy, and I think moms face more cultural pressures about this issue. I love klim's insights.

 

I wish I had some concrete way to support you, but I am in a different boat. I have no kids and my fella's kids are little. The first time he told them I'd sleep over, the 8-year-old asked, 'where is she going to sleep?' 'In my room,' he said. Long pause. Furrowed brow. He got worried. Then she said, 'darn, I was hoping she'd sleep in my room.'

 

Just know that I am thinking of you and am 100% confident that you'll handle life 2.0 with grace.

[Guest Mel4072]

I have a 16 yr old daughter. I get the teen thing. There is no concrete right or wrong and that sucks. I've had one sleep over with current boyfriend. He brings it up and wants it to be a regular occurrence. Doesn't pressure. I understand his point of view and his needs but I also have to think of our daughters and what affects them. He has a 17 yr old daughter. She lives with him. My 3 kids ( 2 oldest are grown and moved out) absolutely love this guy! That's not an issue for me. I've told boyfriend that if he wants overnights then he needs to put a ring on it. I felt tremendous guilt the one night I stayed with him because I felt I set a bad example for our 2 daughters. (His knows, mine does not.) it might sound harsh but it solves a lot of problems.

Wishing you luck in finding your answers. It sucks to lie and sneak. It's also tough to be sensitive to everybody and meet their needs. But know that you are not the only one dealing with this. So far, my boyfriend is patient.

[swilson]

Does it matter if the kids like the new person? When I was a young adult my mom was dating a jerk (with some sleepovers) and I can remember thinking to myself "How does she stand that peckerhead?". Later when she was dating a great guy who became our step-father, the over nighters were no big deal to us.

 

[Trying]

Klim, you nailed it exactly.  I don't want to throw it in their face that I'm having sex, and like Mel I don't want to set a bad example.  I think they should at least accept that I'm dating him before they have to accept sleepovers.  Poor New Guy, there are some benefits to dating a widow but some definite downsides to dating a widow with teenagers.

 

mawidow, his kids have asked me to have a sleepover, it's very cute! 

 

Mel, if I told New Guy he would have to put a ring on it, he would!  Not what I want right now so I won't be able to use that line, lol. 

 

Swilson, it's not that the older 2 don't like him, they haven't even tried to get to know him, it's the idea of any man that's the problem.  He actually has a lot in common with my middle son, if DS could ever bring himself to talk to him I think they would really hit it off.

[Sugarbell]

We do overnights almost every weekend either my place or his..We live 60 miles away from each other.

 

His house if daughter is with me-I sleep in guest room with her.

 

When he stays here....he usually sleeps downstairs with the boys. Now...we stay up way too late and wait for everyone to go to bed--then mess around in my room. But he doesn't sleep all night in my bed and vice versa. It was trial and error finding what was the best thing to do.

 

So yeah...it's rare I wake up in bed beside him unless it's a kid free night. But I am sneaky and have my fun when they are in bed (but I don't get much sleep on the weekends) Lol

[mmg19]

klim really nailed it.  Not to this point but in an exclusive relationship.  Just the thought of losing my boys trust extinguishes any thought of a sleepover.  I'm facing the teenage years with my boys and aware that they will be facing a lot of sexual questions regarding their own sexuality. 

[NoKindaDancer]

My kids are younger. 5 and 7. They have only met new guy twice. We've only dated 4 months now. On first and second meeting my daughter asked if he was having a sleepover and if not now, when. She has no idea about sex and neither does my 7 year old son. They think kissing is gross. But I still feel that my dating actions now will set an example for them later. When we get to the point of wanting overnights with the kids still in the house (which I think will be quite some time), I think I will let them know that these are adult decisions and adult actions. That they can do when they are 20 and in a committed relationship. Dh and I had overnights in college and practically lived together our last 2 years in college. There was certainly premarital sex but we were in a smart, committed adult relationship ready for adult decisions.

 

I'm generally a huge fan of honesty and explaining things very well to my kids....but at an age appropriate level. I tell them I'm going on a date, but I don't elaborate unless asked more specifically about what we do on the date.

 

Hard decisions. I think even harder with teens so my heart goes out to all of yall with older kids.

[fairlanegirl]

This is one respect in which I'm glad my two were young (the only one I think - neither will really remember their father. So I wish they had been older, for their sakes) - 2 and 6, so I didn't have a big drama, he just started sleeping over, and they knew him before we became an item. First post-widowhood relationship and has lasted three years, going strong. That said, looking back I took a heck of a gamble. Certainly wouldn't want multiple guys going in and out of their lives.

 

Yes, I confess, horniness was the winner on the day! I don't know how you folks do it. I guess sooner or later teens have to accept that you deserve a life too - like they will want/have. I wouldn't want to be negotiating it, and who knows, it might come back to bite me in the backside in later years when they have a better idea what Mum is getting up to.Best of luck.

[maddalena]

I was a teenager with a mother who was not married. I didn't mind when the BF slept over at our house as long as they were discreet.  I DID mind when she went to NYC and didn't come home.

I couldn't stand the guy. He was a pompous ass.

 

like your teens, I didn't want to know the details.  It was just too gross to contemplate.

 

and for what it's worth, when I finally had the courage to tell my sons I had a boyfriend, instead of them wanting to grill and haze him, they were relieved and happy for me.  But they are long past their teen years.

 

 

 

[Guest Mel4072]

There was some relief for my daughter to know that I had a boyfriend. I don't get that but witnessed it.

Now that he has talked to all 3 of my kids and gotten their blessing to propose, there is an awkwardness in the air. I think everybody is holding their breath waiting....

[Guest fleur]

Okay, so I am know that ? am likely the odd one out here but I just don?t get how ?sneaking? about is the right course of action.  In particular, and considering the age of your children and the length of your relationship, I think the answer to this question can only come from you.

Because I am not you, I can not guide you but I do have a few questions (absolutely no need to answer here, these are just thoughts you might ponder):

 

- What are the values that you really want to impress upon your children? 

- How would you feel about your offspring sneaking, and in fact, lying (perhaps double entendre) about?

- Were you a virgin when you married? If not, did that make you a bad person?  If yes, did that make you better person?

- Do you realistically expect your children to abstain from sex until after marriage?

- What makes a relationship worthy of the intimacy of sex? 

 

Honestly, I think personal responsibility (and information) is a huge part of the equation here not only for us, but also for our offspring. 

 

Wishing you the best of luck with your kids and your relationship.

 

[Trying]

Fleur you bring up some good points, which is exactly why I bring up questions, to get different perspectives.

 

I was not a virgin when I married nor do I expect that my sons will be.  My mother knew I was having sex with DH before I married because I was on the pill but we did not sleep in the same room in her house when he visited until we were married out of respect.

 

My older boys are not all that comfortable with the idea of me dating so it is out of respect that I will give them more time before flaunting my sex life in front of them.  As an adult I think I have the right to some privacy and to my own choices but as a parent I do need to take their feelings into consideration.  If this relationship continues and they still aren't supportive I would have to reconsider but I want to give them some time to adjust.

 

If my son brought a random girl home from college I would not let him share a bed in my house but if he was in a committed long term relationship I would be more open. My new guy isn't random and we are committed as far as being monogamous and working towards a future but in their minds it's pretty new. 

 

I also have to admit that I spend way too much time worrying about how everyone else feels, my therapist and I are working on this but progress is SLOW!

[klim]

Fleur you bring up many questions and as I am having the same quandaries as Trying , I am going to reply.

 

I am having trouble with "sneaking" and thus why I was so interested in the responses posted.

The opposite of sneaking around is blunt honesty, I am also having trouble with that.

 

Answering your questions

 

1.The most important value for my children is that they are caring individuals.

2.Sneaking and lying...not entirely impressed but if their reasons was to avoid causing undue stress for someone else , done with thought and caring I would be Ok with it.

3.Virgin before marriage ? nope ... but snuck around then too to avoid causing undue stress for someone else( my parents) done with thought and caring.

4.Sons abstaining.?... their choice....don't want them to be sluts but am fine with premarital sex. Don't really want to know the details either.( hope they will be as thoughtful to me as I was to my parents) Son is away at uni. Has a girlfriend. Not sure exactly what's up. Not going to ask. Although I reminded him to be safe.

5.  A relationship that is worthy of  the intimacy of sex ?...everyone decides for themselves. From my stand point,and place in life, not going to happen quickly but once a certain comfort zone has been reached.I don't need the "will be with you forever" feeling, just the "happy to be with  for you now "zone is fine. Again each to there own.

 

 

So what have I figured out....not worried about sex outside of marriage....not comfortable conversing to my son(s) about his sex life or mine. Don't like lying but stressing people out is worse.

 

So I guess I'm still waiting for the point when I feel the truth can be handled by my boys without undue stress.

 

PS Trying, I think "worrying about how everyone else feels," when the 'everyone else'  are your children is very normal and very caring.

 

[Sugarbell]

Good points.

 

No...I was far from a virgin when I got married. When I started having sex in high school-my parents knew...but obviously we weren't doing sleepover at there house...so I snuck around with high bf. my folks knew I was on the pill...and didn't approve of me having sex--but were glad we used protection. (Same guy all thru high school)

 

My oldest is the same age as your youngest Trying. He saw us early on in bed (dressed in sweats) the next morning. He's a bright old soul. Pretty much said "Mom it's just weird and freaky...even if you aren't doing anything but sleeping...I don't like S (7 yr old) and W (10 yr old ) seeing that"

 

That was my cue...to be discreet and respect my kids wishes. To me it's not e

Lying......if I stay at his house and they aren't with me-really they don't need to know if I slept in bed with him. At the house-we don't always get to have sex...it's just not feasible.

 

There is a park close to my house that's deserted-we've been known to go pick up snack and movies and stop there quickly.

 

Or the detached locked garage. (Yeah sad I know...but they don't need to see, hear or assume anything.

 

Probably TMI...But situations with several school age kids...well you do what you gotta do I suppose. It is what it is.

[Trying]

Klim we seem to be of the same mind set.  It really is about respect to me.  New Guy and I say I love you with ease and depth of feelings but out of respect I don't say it in front of my kids yet, they just aren't ready to hear me say that to another man yet. 

 

SB, I'm laughing at you finding opportunities where you can, reminds me a lot of highschool/college days!  DH and I were very creative when we were dating.

[Sugarbell]

I know!! That's exactly what it reminds me of!

[momtokam]

SB, I'm laughing at you finding opportunities where you can, reminds me a lot of highschool/college days!  DH and I were very creative when we were dating.

 

OMG!!! ^^^^^ YES!!

[Guest IronBear]

So for those of you with kids old enough to understand what sleeping over means, did you ever do this with a new chapter 2 love outside of marriage or moving in together? And if you did, how did you handle it?

 

Too confusing for young kids. Luckily, mine are now grown.

[Guest fleur]

Holy moly, I didn?t mean to be the catalyst for personal history time but I am sure people are enjoying the reading.

I am sorry if my original post came off differently than I intended.  @Trying it seems like we have been a bit at odds in the posts I have made in the last years but I doubt the room would be hostile if we had a chance to get together and really talk about these issues in person. 

 

@klim

"The opposite of sneaking around is blunt honesty, I am also having trouble with that. "

Actually I disagree with this statement. If your children were the age that they are now before your husband died, would they be privy to all of your personal details?"

 

First off, let?s set the context here:

 

I love my kids.  I would walk through fire for them and nearly have.  But? I have sacrificed almost all that I am in the last 6 years in the name of the death and their well being.  In reality, I don?t think that they are better off for it and neither am I.  In general, I am far more cautious than rash.  Although far from infallible, should I engage in something potentially life altering, either for me or my kids,  at the minimum it has been considered with lengthy thought.

 

Regarding the subject at hand:

My husband and I never had sex in front of my children - nothing has changed in that regard nor will it in the future.  Personally for me, a sleepover is not  synonymous with sex.  There are many reasons for sleepovers - many of which are practical  in nature including, distance, avoiding drunk/drink driving, finances, etc.  In reality, I don?t want my kids to equate a sleepover with sex in my life or theirs.  Truth is, I did have my fair share of sleepovers in college - few included sex.  The same is true in my adult life.  However, I did think I was going to be just about the last virgin on earth.  In my younger days, I thought that I would wait until marriage to have sex but then curiosity, desire, career plans, and the rest of life set in?  I am glad that I did not marry before I was ready.  Further, I don?t want my own children to rush into an untimely marriage or feel that they have to hide from me because they are in the process of becoming who they are. 

 

Finally, I think a lot has to do with the ages and development of your children, your relationship history, the duration of the grieving period both for you and your children, and your own personal beliefs. 

Honestly, based on this post, I just had a conversation with my kids and vocalised the following set of rules/guildelines, they apply to me as much as they apply to them:

 

- If you are ashamed or embarrassed and what you are doing conflicts with your personal values...

-or-

- if you do not know the other person?s sexual history ...

-or-

- if you are not equipped to handle the consequences of your actions then ?.

 

just DON?T do it!

 

-----------addendum

 

Actually, I think my post was incomplete.  In my head my thoughts were clear, in reality I think many dots were left unconnected.  So? for me I first introduced my significant other as a friend.  Over time, he became more intertwined in our lives.  Although we share a room when he is here, my kids don?t look at him and think - ?oh, that?s the person my mom is having sex with?  Instead they think - ?this is the only man who is there with us at Christmas or who takes us on vacation, this is the man who is there for us to share in important life milestones when no one else is willing to show up, and  this is the man who has shared his family with us, and in fact? this is the man who has become part of our family. 

[klim]

Sleepovers is a fun topic isn't it.

 

If my husband was still alive my children would not be privy to my personal details because we would just say goodnight and close the door.

 

That's where the problem lies. We can't do that anymore.The only way for new guy and I to  spend the night together is  if I'm not sleeping at home. When not sleeping at home things need explained.

 

I'm not brave enough to have a conversation. I can't imagine it....

 

Son, you know new guy and I have been going out quite a while ........right.....so I'm not coming home tonight.

Why mom is it the distance?...nope

finances?...nope

drunk.....mom are you drunk....mmmmh not a good picture and very unbelievable,

so what viable reason is there in a teenager mind...ah yes......mom's sleeping with new guy.

 

I'll have to be comfortable with them being privy to my private life before I can have this conversation.

.....back to Fabricating stories

 

Thinking through things is very therapeutic...thanks for indulging me

[Trying]

Fleur, I don't feel the least bit hostile towards you.  I came here asking for opinions, I'm sorry if anything I said made you feel I did not respect yours. 

 

This will continue to be a work in progress for me I guess.  Lonely nights for now seems to be the answer.

[hopon]

OMG.  Thank you for all the replies so I can see how everyone else is handling this.  I've been dating the same guy (who happens to be my neighbor) for over a year.  He is divorced and has his kids every other week which gives us some privacy.  My daughter is 14 and is in the same class as his son (major yuck factor). 

 

I am fairly religious and my kids were taught no sex before marriage (does anyone still believe in that) so I have been careful not to set the wrong example.  One night my daughter came home and I forgot to put away the overnight bag and my daughter spotted it.  Now every time she goes away, it's the same question - are you spending the night with him?  I can't answer the question with a straight face.

 

Now my boys are about to come home from college and my play time will be very limited.  Am I just an embarrassed mom or should I come right out and tell them that yes - mommy is having fun.  (That will really make them ill)

[fairlanegirl]

Now my boys are about to come home from college and my play time will be very limited.  Am I just an embarrassed mom or should I come right out and tell them that yes - mommy is having fun.  (That will really make them ill)

If they are university age surely they will have figured out already that mum isn't sitting around holding hands with her beau. But I suppose at that age they can't even comprehend 'old people' having sex...it may not have occurred to them that their mother has such needs and desires! Too bad, it's a reality check for them, you have a life too. Mind you, if you've hammered home a no sex before marriage mantra (are they following it? Do you know?!) you might have to eat some humble pie there...