Social LIfe

[mikeeh]

Fellow Wid parents, a question for you.

 

How, or do you have a social life now that you are a single parent?

 

I have one son and he just turned 16.  He is old enough to be home alone if I wanted to go out and do something.  And a couple nights a week I do go out for a little bit.  Once a month I have dinner with a widow group I am a part of, but none of it is really social like dating or anything.

 

Being an only child if I went out I would be leaving him home alone.  Again he is old enough that it would be okay.  But there is a kind of symbolism to leaving him home alone that I can't bear.  He has already lost his mom and now am I leaving him too by going out for my own social life. 

 

He pretty much hangs out up in his room and I don't see him much but I feel I have to be there when he does come out of his room.  I expect that fairly soon he will get his own social life and start going out himself, which I guess would free me up to do the same.

 

So are there any other Widows/widowers that have come up with a way to have your own social life if you are the parent of a teenage child?

 

Thanks

[Guest Mel4072]

My daughter is the same age. I don't leave her alone. I have her stay with a very close friend of mine when I go out. I am currently in a relationship and we go out every couple of weeks. He comes to my house otherwise. I have the same sentiment about leaving my kid alone. It's just an issue. And she stays in her room most of the time. Very little social life. When she does plan something, I support her.

I think it's important for us to have our own social life. Yet, it's a tough balance because their emotional safety is utmost important and it has already been compromised. Good luck! You deserve a social life. I hope you come up with a solution!

[Virgo]

My daughters are 16, 13, and 7. At least every other Friday they stay the night with my dad or in-laws.  Sometimes I go out,  but sometimes I just stay home and enjoy some alone time.

 

Maybe your son could stay with a friend?

[serpico]

My kids are 14, 12, and 8, so they are old enough to be left home alone. I told them pretty early on that Dad needs to get out of the house from time to time or I'll go crazy.  The 8-year old in particular isn't thrilled staying home with her brothers, but I made it clear that they aren't to call unless the house is burning down

 

But yeah, it's definitely hard to do this with kids. Even though they realize I have to get out, there is still a fair amount of guilt-tripping going on

[Trying]

Mine are 18, 16, 11.  I usually go,out either Saturday or Sunday night most weekends and e occasional week night.  They are ok with it and luckily all 3 boys are very close.  I do allow the older boys to have certain friends over, 1 or 2 that I trust, who are respectful of my youngest and won't do anything stupid.  I don't pick my social life over baseball games, swim meets, school concerts or anything important to them.  I give them lots of opportunities to have friends sleep.over when I am home and make pancakes for the whole crew in the morning.

 

I can see where an only child or siblings who don't get along well would make going out much more difficult.

 

Mikeeh, does he have a friend who he could stay with once in a while who could then stay at your house sometimes too?  It's a tricky age.

[trying2breathe]

I don't have much of a social life, but when I do get out I drop off my daughter at her grandfather's house.  I'm not so concerned about her feeling alone, although maybe I should be - it's more about me knowing that she's in a safe place and not getting into trouble. 

 

It's funny that my kids were perfectly fine and happy to stay by themselves for a short while when they were a bit younger.  But now that my daughter is 16, I feel like once again she needs a sitter!  :

 

[RobFTC]

My girls are 14, and are fine with me being out as long as it's not too frequently.  We have a tradition of having dinner together, and I have had to rain on my headstrong girl that she needs to spend that time with us even if she is not hungry so that we see each other.  That makes me reluctant to skip out on dinner myself.  One woman I dated and would like to see again has a schedule that conflicts with that, because she has no flexibility during the day at all and my easiest Sunday time is when she likes to visit with her Mom.  So that relationship would like to go from our glass-of-wine date to a dinner date, and I am not sure I am into her enough to do that.  Having a social life is trickier now.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[trying2breathe]

Rob  I hear you - those dinners spent together with your girls are priceless.  I try to insist on dinner every night with my daughter and she's not always a willing dinner companion.  Soon your girls will be on their way, and no doubt will think back fondly on time spent with you.   

 

I do think that it's good for them to see that you have a life outside of theirs too.  Although an empty nest will come soon enough - don't skip out on living your life too.  Yes indeed, a social life now is certainly trickier. 

[Sugarbell]

It appears mine is on hold....Although I do occasionally get out alone-lately with sports it's rare.

 

One of my gal pals offered to pay for my flight to go with her to the beach to recharge over Memorial Day weekend (trust fund divorced friend..who has a heart of gold but we live on different planets sometimes)...Turned it down-Son was asked to play in Memorial weekend 10U baseball tournament.

 

Also had planned for a weekend with all of us and guy friend to the mts that weekend::again cancelled.

 

I start to get cranky when I don't get a weekend break--I only need it once every 5 or 6 months--but with kids activities it appears I don't have a free weekend till July.

 

Adults need time too.

[klim]

Two sons here...were 15 and 17 when DH passed away. Older son moved off to uni 5 months later, so 15 yr old was home alone with me. I spend a lot of time "looking after him" but also know he is quite capable and stubbornly independant.

After a while I felt I needed to get out and discussed it  with him. Got the " yes mom ,go, I'm fine". I monitor him closely to make sure his words are reflected in his actions.But started doing things socially for myself.

2 years later , I do a lot of going out. When I do ,I tend to bookend my absences, with direct interaction with my son. ( example: dinner with him before I head out on a date or spending Monday of a long weekend doing things with him when I went  camping on the Sat and Sunday.)  I usually check with him if I can go out. I know it sounds silly but if he needs assistant with a project or studying or he needs to get driven somehwere, then I don't need to go out for dinner or a movie or whatever.He is a priority but he's now 17, he doesn't need or want me around all the time. It's a hard balance but they need to practice being independant

Just an insight into how I'm handling it, don't know if it helps.

 

[Guest Questions]

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[Missmybecky]

Social life?

My kids are 7 & 5, will someone please remind me what social life means?

[MissinGrizz]

He is 16. He probably prefers alone.

 

As long as you often eat dinners together and spend some time discussing life and doing things together, I don't see the harm. Ask him how he feels about it. Also, try to help him find a social life. Then you'll both be out . . . no guilt!

 

Or . . . if he's 16, maybe he can get a job for one or two nights a week?

[Justin]

I recently left my 16yo daughter (only child) home alone for a long weekend while I went out of town; plus, she literally got her driver's license the day I left. It is scary leaving them home alone, but her grandparents live in town so I knew she would have help if she needed it. She only has one more year of high school, so I felt it is time she start learning some self-sufficiency and the self-confidence that it brings. I did feel a little guilt when she told me she was feeling lonely, but she went and spent the night at her grandparents and all was well.

 

An interesting side-note: The child that I have to repeatedly ask to do chores surprised me with mopped floors, cleaned kitchen cabinets, and freshly baked muffins upon my return. It was greatly appreciated and affirmed that she could do OK on her own for a bit.

[Jen]

Mine are 15, 12, and 9. Once a week or so they have to do the latchkey kid routine-- I generally work weekends, plus one weekday. My mother lives with us, so they're rarely alone; they all tend to isolate themselves. The older two stay in their rooms on their tablets, the youngest plays video games on the computer. My "social life" consists of staring at the TV (I generally don't even notice what's on) until it's late enough to make my excuses and go to bed. My mom gets upset if I leave her alone too early in the evening. :-\

[Carey]

Mine are 16 and 17.  They are NEVER home. Or when they are, they are holed up in their rooms.  I feel more like I live in a frat house/sorority than a home.  Often have lots of other teens over or the house is deathly silent. I've kind of worked out an arrangement with my friend who lives down the road. I go hang out with him and his wife and kids and I end up cooking for them, or doing my laundry at their house just to feel less lonely ... hurts sometimes because I so miss that family dynamic. 

[mmg19]

With a 12 and a 14 yr. old, they are too old for a sitter and yet not old enough for long periods of time unchaperoned.  The boys are close to grandparents and usually once a week go to their house after school.  This varies depending on activities but I do have a dinner, walk by the river, or adult conversation time with male friend.  Since warm weather has arrived, we have been included in cook-outs in the neighborhood on week-ends and have been able to maintain friendships with families DH and I were friends with for years. 

[mikeeh]

Thanks all for your input and suggestions.

 

There are no Grandparents. His last Grandmother died about a year after his Mom did. 

 

It isn't so much that I can't trust him or he can't handle himself on his own.  I just don't want him to feel like he has been abandoned again. 

 

I don't keep him from hanging out with his friends but I don't really encourage it either.  I am just so worried about a bunch of teenage boys hanging out unsupervised.  He is a good kid and all but he doesn't like the smart kids.  He likes the rebels and has already found himself in trouble.  Nothing worse than what I did his age but more than I want to deal with.

 

I guess in another year or two he will be out of high school and living his own life and I will hardly see him.  I just don't want to spend that time wishing for it to come so I can have my own life because it will be tough when he leaves.

[hikermom]

I have no social life. My daughter is 11, we live in a very rural area, and when I have a sitter for her it is so that I can work late.

 

I have - reluctantly - resigned myself to the fact that I will not be dating for awhile. However, it is hard to be my best self as her parent when I feel so lonely and isolated.

 

It is a conundrum.

[imissdow]

I have made a point of getting away from my kids with some kind or regularly. Mine are 18, 16 and 9. I take dance classes once a week, had a group of friend I met with for coffee every week,  and try to get out with some friends at least once a month. The older girls are usually really busy so it's hard because they watch the youngest.  Had to get over the idea of leaving them home alone because when DH died all of the sudden they were home for 6 weeks at the end of the summer with no supervision. They were 14 and 12 they youngest was thankfully in daycare. I do try to work around their schedules and I do wish I could go out more. thankfully I have friend who live a block away and often they come over or I head over there. I feel some kind of way about leaving them for hours at a time so I try to limit my time away  to a few hours at a time.  I have made time for a few dates wouldn't mind more yet the guys I meet and are interested in are generally as busy as I am.  I find it interesting that the guys who do have time to date usually annoy me because I feel pressured to find more time for them and thus I tend to see them as to needy. 

[newnormal14]

My triplets are 10, and so far not much of a social life for me.  I do plan on getting out once fall rolls around, and start doing things I am interested in.  I am looking for a babysitter that I could use, when I am ready.  Both of my parents are gone, and my in-laws live far away.

 

I think having a friend he could stay with would be a great option for you.  With him being 16, his social life will be picking up soon:)

[November]

Social life?

will someone please remind me what social life means?

 

Yes please someone tell me what it means... my are 5, 9, & 13.  I'm lucky to get 15 mins to myself.