robunknown Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Trying, my first reaction would have been what I did to get my son to stop putting his hand over my mouth to quite me down...lick it, lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Thanksgiving dinner (ours is earlier), my otherwise amazing mother: "Great- we just fit around the table. No room for one more. If (name of early teen granddaughter) ever gets married, we are going to have trouble!" Two things - first, we only fit because my DH is gone, and I don't think this is a positive development although it helps with seating. This has come up before. And, really, when he was alive, he was so thin and sick he didn't take up much space. Second, mom clearly agrees with me on an unconscious level that my future is one where I am on my own. She means well though. Still - ouch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I still hold that my mother takes the cake. She's had a lot of zingers but this remains my all-time-favorite. A month after Scott died, I called her and said I just could not take my daughter to a birthday party and would she do it for me. She then called my (now former) closest friend and said, "I do not understand what her problem is. We are Anglo-Saxons and we pull ourselves together and move on." a) hello, just a small problem, you know, brain cancer and a dead husband and a child to raise... and b) um, not quite, as I am half Greek.....oh and c) WTF, does she think she is the Dowager Duchess?? Oh and then there was the day I got the diagnosis. Me: hang up phone with neurosurgeon. My mother: What is the prognosis? Me: 6 months. My mother: Don't worry, you're young. You will meet someone else. Timing is everything, Mom! ps - canadiangirl, wth? with the Thanksgiving seating. Oy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Why are people so fucking stupid? Sorry, I'm just done with stupid be it Whoever. How do us wids put up with it at a our darkest times? Oy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr C Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Our family had a big group come out to walk this morning in memory of my wife at Seattle's Heart Walk. After the walk, a friend of my wife's extended family came up to me and asked, "Are you dating yet?" When I tried to say that I wasn't interested in dating, she proceeded to advise me that I should be because I am "still a young man." : This is one of those questions that I knew would come eventually. But, the timing made no sense. Why is this the opening of a conversation? Why at a time we are honoring my wife? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I still hold that my mother takes the cake. Too right, TooSoon! There would be (understatement) family rifts here if that kind of stuff were said. Happily, this kind of thing is an anomaly. Mostly they just avoid mention of DH (sadly) and help me muddle through. So sorry MrC. Unsolicited "advice" is just so unwelcome, however well-meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 My doctor: you're glowing. Are you in love again? Me: yes, she's wonderful Doctor: I told you your hormones would kick in (She had previously told me so when I protested, the DAY AFTER my wife had died, that I never ever wanted to be with anyone else again) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 what people say does amaze me the worst one I got was at my nieces baby shower so not really someone I knew well she came up to me and said "Sorry about your husband but this was the best thing that could have happened to you because you look great " wtf so I just assume that people walk away saying to themselves ...why the hell did I just say that ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baywebbshelton Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 One month after my husband died (he died 03-21-15, married only 3 months) my grandmother told me "Suck it up and move on already. He's dead, you're young, get over it" I have had SO many people tell me I'm lucky because we didn't have children, but to me that's a slap in the face. I would be lucky if I did have children. As if no children from your dead husband is a blessing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted April 17, 2016 Share Posted April 17, 2016 One month after my husband died (he died 03-21-15, married only 3 months) my grandmother told me "Suck it up and move on already. He's dead, you're young, get over it" The day I got the prognosis of terminal brain cancer and an expectancy of 6-10 months (we got 18), my mother said, like as soon as I hung up the phone with the surgeon, "Don't worry. You're young. You'll meet someone else." Turns out I did but at the time I was like WTF? It wasn't her only WTF moment either. She also said, "We are Anglo-Saxons. We move on." Okeedokee. Of course, its weird enough as it is but even weirder as I am 50% Greek.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 I like this section. It never ceases to amaze what humans say in reaction to grief. I have a minor in behavioral science so maybe that is why I find it so fascinating. Sometimes I think back to this gem when a childhood friend found out about D's death: "Wow, must suck to be you." Yeah, ya think?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Just got off the phone with DirecTV - typing out in the "Confessions" thread that I've been paying for it for three years without using it finally lit the fire under my butt to call and discontinue my service. While explaining why I didn't know what happened to the dish in 2013 (I moved out of mine and Tim's apartment in a rush and under considerable duress), I mentioned the reason was because my husband had died and that I had to move without much notice. While waiting for something to load up on his end (I was letting him try to retain my account if he was going to offer a considerable discount) he "made small talk" (and even introduced it as such!) by asking how my husband died. I snapped "That is a terrible thing to try to make small talk about," explained that the reason it took me so long to cancel was because it is still very difficult for me to talk about, and then immediately asked if we could just proceed with the cancellation. So after three years, it's finally done. Time to sign up for HBO-on-demand and save myself $45.00 a month. It amazes me that someone who is trained to talk to people for a living would think that the death of a spouse is prime "small talk" fodder! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Wow, Mrs. T85, this is really bad. Truly offensive to offer that question as "small talk." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marjoe Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 You know what got me? I got a lot of "so, are you moving back to NJ?" Like, what? I've been in NC for 20 years. The assumption was that I was in some kind of childlike state, unable to do for, or think for myself. That really pissed me off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 marjoe, I got that, too. My husband's brother told many people (who asked me if it was true) that I would no doubt move to Colorado to live close to my sister. A few people remarked that it was too bad my parents were so elderly, otherwise I could move back home. I have lived 300 miles away from my parents for 25 years. It is perfectly okay to want to be with family after this loss and move closer, if that is what we choose. Absolutely. It is just the assumptive attitude that that is what we should do, as if we have no life otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Still Standing Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Four years after loosing my dh my son passed away .At the viewing my sister says to me(IT MUST SUCK TO BE YOU)? At that moment I couldn't speak.Now almost four years later we don't talk to each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sphoc Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 You know what got me? I got a lot of "so, are you moving back to NJ?" Like, what? I've been in NC for 20 years. The assumption was that I was in some kind of childlike state, unable to do for, or think for myself. That really pissed me off. I got the same thing from my family about moving back to Maine. I left when I was 19. I'm not going back. Hug to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 You know what got me? I got a lot of "so, are you moving back to NJ?" Like, what? I've been in NC for 20 years. The assumption was that I was in some kind of childlike state, unable to do for, or think for myself. That really pissed me off. I had to quote this for multiple reasons -- firstly because I'm originally a Jersey girl as well. I live in Southern California and am quite happy with the home I made with my husband and dogs. I've gotten the question 'So, you live alone? What are you going to do?' as if I can't function on my own. People ask me if I'm keeping both cars. Um, yep. They are both mine. My name is on both titles. I drive them alternately because I like them. However, one of the most insensitive things was an acquaintance who said, 'Well, you know he's in a better place because he was suffering. You know you knew he was suffering. I knew he was suffering when I saw him.' Really? Sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catnip Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 This is not what was said to me, but what was done. A few months after my husband passed away, I received an invitation to my cousin's house party where she was selling something or other. The invitation came to my correct address, but it came to my maiden name. My maiden name? I got married when I was 25 years old. I was married 26 years. My 3 sons have this name. Ya think after going thru all the legal stuff after his death, with the house in my name and getting all 5 cars to my name that I was going to change it back after 26 years? These cousins all attended my wedding and the funeral. I was stunned. I declined the invitation. I am not changing my name. ~Catnip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tatianakm Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Yesterday one of the colleagues asked me if I will be OK financially. First of all, none of your business, unless you are planning to contribute...but I smiled politely and said that with a careful planning I will be OK. Then she said that her as well, after her husband retired, she has to watch her spending carefully, no more trips to Macy's every weekend... You crazy bat, my husbund did not put me on a budget, he died! So not the same thing! But, again, I smiled politely and move on, cried most of the car ride home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 Tatianakm: I am so sorry! But in a way, you have to feel sorry for your colleague ... it sounds like for her, retirement = death ... for some, they just don't get it. My stepdaughter's grandfather died last year and her grandmother was completely lost. She didn't work, never did bills, never took care of cars or the home maintenance. He was the one who handled all that. My stepdaughter, her mom, and her aunt are still surrounding grandmom to help her cope and learn, which is tough because she is in her 70s and has NEVER done these sorts of things. Each of us, men and women, understand the experience differently. Not to say what she said wasn't insensitive ('no shopping at Macy's every weekend?! Really?), but it made me think about where folks are coming from sometimes. As an aside, after my husband died, my pastor's wife wanted to take me out to prepare for the celebration of life. We went to lunch and on the way out, I commented that she needed front tires on her car. She had no idea what I was talking about. I ended up explaining it as, 'See the tires on that car over there? See how deep the ridges are in the rubber? You don't have that. You need tires.' She commented that she needed to learn more about those sorts of things because both she and her husband were busy so she couldn't just wait for him to take care of it. Then she looked at me with this sort of sad/upset/'sorry I said that out loud' expression. Hugs to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjs1989 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 This is not what was said to me, but what was done. A few months after my husband passed away, I received an invitation to my cousin's house party where she was selling something or other. The invitation came to my correct address, but it came to my maiden name. My maiden name? I got married when I was 25 years old. I was married 26 years. My 3 sons have this name. Ya think after going thru all the legal stuff after his death, with the house in my name and getting all 5 cars to my name that I was going to change it back after 26 years? These cousins all attended my wedding and the funeral. I was stunned. I declined the invitation. I am not changing my name. ~Catnip Amazing. My BIL actually told someone this in reference to me making business decisions in our family company that my husband previously made: "Well, she is not even a (insert married name) so she should not be making decisions!" What?? We were married for 23 years and I am not family?? I was so stunned by that comment that it took months before I could even confront him regarding it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff1973 Posted May 1, 2016 Share Posted May 1, 2016 KJS, Oh I have dealt with that one. My wife and I have spent thousands of hours helping her Dad on his farm through the years. 7 months after losing her to cancer I find her Dad taken down by a stroke. I moved from my farm to his farm to care for him in his home. For over 2 years I have cared for him by my self because he has no family alive anymore. I have spent thousands of dollars to care for him, plus place my grieving and life on hold to honor my promise to Pam. My very own kids have attempted to get his trust changed because I have, " Nothing Coming " as " I'm not Blood ". Grrrrrrrr. Not according to my Wife and FIL. No one but me has helped this 92 year old father of my wonderful Wife and WW 2 veteran. That's OK, Guess who's got , " Nothing Coming " when I pass away? Yup, I understand that stuff,, Jeff1973 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LTSLforever Posted May 1, 2016 Share Posted May 1, 2016 Why are people so mean and insensitive? Sometimes it maybe due to a lack of understanding of how painful our situations are but often it is due to nastiness. I can't write about my situation (the comments were horrible) but it has burned such a deep hole in my heart. That hole was already so large; I didn't think it was possible for it to get any larger. The worst is when family members make those comments. My question is always WHY but I don't think I will ever get an answer. Jeff - my heart goes out to you. Taking care of your wife's dad after losing your wife speaks so loudly of your love for both of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted May 3, 2016 Share Posted May 3, 2016 It's been a while since I've had someone say something ridiculous. But then, there was a right asshat: I was at my maid of honour's wedding this weekend. This is a snippet of reception dinner table conversation... Girlfriend [playfully]: Grace knows all about wedding planning because she's done it before. Man I'd just met: oh, you were married before? When did you get divorced? Me: I didn't. I'm widowed. Man: I'm so sorry. Did you kill him? Me: I had a wife and, no, I didn't kill her - she killed herself. Man: oh. Girlfriend: well you're a fucking idiot. At this point I summoned the waiter to refill my glass with Bollinger... Then I drank about five more. Who the fuck asks if you've killed your husband? I should have said yes and then threatened to stab him with my posh fork. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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