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Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said


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  • 7 months later...

So  I have just read this entire thread and it makes my hair stand up . It is unsafe to be 'getting out there', as all these hypersensitive people recommend...'get a life' and all that shit...

anyway. I should be keeping track of all the insensitivities, as they are really lessons to learn on how low humanity can sink, if we can call that humanity. Elephants care more for their dead and group grieve...

I have to rant too. My own big sister kicked me right in the guts at the beginning of the year when I broke down in front of her (I felt safe there you know) after having spent the day packing up my former life, photographs, his clothes, shoes, all his stuff, before moving out of the flat that was our home. She basically told me, I was playing the victim and I should stop feeling sorry for myself and I was upsetting people by being so negative. People asked her, why I was so negative....

It cut my breath. I just wanted to leave to never come back again. If it had not been for our son who was playing with his cousins whom he loves dearly (only local family he has), I would have done so.

I left the room. She came after me and kind of said she loved me but it would hurt her to see me thus. Oh well, that is the excuse then, for kicking me in the guts, when I was already on the floor.

so, it was all about her . I know now, that she is upset about something else. Something I never told her, because I know her temperatment and that she would blurt it out in a bad moment, hurting people, i.e. our son and I , and I wanted to avoid that. But alas, some untrustworthy bitch told her, what she should not have known and she used it well, to kick my guts. I did not know she could be so mean. And she did not realise what she did. I explained it to her in a long letter, but the only reply I got was: 'I had to get it out'. Obviously at all cost. I was and still am so hurt and our relationship is definitively not what it used to be (it used to be really good actually)  I know now, that I won't ever open up to her again. For fear of being hurt. Don't we hurt enough already? Do we really need to hurt more?

So, her perfect friends in their perfect worlds get upset if they ask me how I am and I say, not great. Well then don't ask me how I feel. Can't you read faces? Leave me alone. That is why I really rather stay at home and watch a movie of my choice that I can switch off, when it upsets me, than having to deal with this insensitive lot of people.

They cannot bear to hear of sadness and tragedy. But they watch it in movies, they read it in books, but if it is reality, they lash out, instead of supporting us. And in the family, old shit from childhood seems to come up. So we also have to be the psychoanalists of our insensitive family, friends , coworkers etc..???

We don't have enough to deal with?

Sorry, but I have to rant on.

My 'best of wtf' collection (collected in almost 3 years of widowhood):

My sister tops.

My mum: Oh wouldn't it have been wonderful if Alex could have been with us this summer  (1week family holiday ) what a show that would have been, him so exotic and with your beautiful child. Me: empty swallow, I was at a loss for words. no point talking, really, is there? Alex was a beautiful man and yes, that is the most important, that other people see us as an exotic family?????? I would have loved to spend a week on a beautiful italian island with him being there, alive , breathing, enjoying it and an alive father to our child, that would have been wonderful. wtf.

A friend: Oh well, now you save a lot of money that you had to spend on him (sic).

Another:  Maybe it is better this way, you may never have been able to separate from him (we had a rocky marriage).

Another: I don't really understand your grieving so much because I never really liked him. sic.

Another: I kind of know how you feel , since my dog died (sic!!)

In the 5 months after his death, two friends included me in group  'RIP' messages with photograph (!!!!) for their dead dogs !!!! ( I wanted to vomit, really, I am a vet, I like animals, but just don't copy me in..)

My MIL and SIL: If you would have looked after him better he would not have died. --- i don't like them anymore, they just killed it all right then and there.

 

so, in the end it is all about them. It is not that  they mean ill. Empathy is missing. That is why they say things like that. And they are shitting their pants even trying to think about how this may feel. It is unthinkable I agree but you don't have to hurt people:    Just    remain      silent.

 

I feel with everybody who has shared on this posting. I am sorry for the pain people have caused you all.

I can't believe widows and widowers say crappy stuff like this too.

I would love to comment on all of your postings and help with the punching... I admire all of you who so graciously react to these assaults. I wish I could be more composed.

 

I think empathy is a most precious gift.

take care all. hgus

 

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We were having 13 day rituals for my wife and the priest started telling my sister how people remarry now days and then later in the evening she was wanted to discuss it and i had to stop her. I don't understand why people can't understand importance of timing. It  hurts us but probably they don't realize and may be in past we would have made similar mistakes.

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My top ones - too many to share. 

 

Preface this with I am a LCSW, child and adolescent therapist, trauma treatment specialist and the only one specifically trained in trauma in my office and was working at a mental health center, with many LCSWs, psychologists, and doctoral interns. AND now I am dealing with my own trauma.

 

1.  Doctoral Intern tells me 3 weeks out this experience will make me a better clinician.  Yeah, put that on his gravestone.  YOUR death Made me BETTER at my job. THANKS.

 

2. ER is coming in.  Staff asks me if I can see it.  Child who lived but sister died in car accident.  My husband died in a car accident.  I said, "not yet."  My boss and psychologist, 29 yrs. of practice tells me, "You are going to have to do it someday!"  3 days after the one year anniversary and I had taken off, and he knew why.  THANKS for your compassion.

 

3.  Go to court house to get police report for accident with son in tow.  Going to find out the details of what happened.  The court aide tells me to wait, and then an officer appears and hands me a subpoena to court for a work case.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I am not working.  My CEO was supposed to take care of it but didn't get it done.  THANKS for the help, mental health center.

 

4.  Deposition on phone. I know the judge and he knew my husband from community groups. Starts deposition with giving me his condolences, 6 weeks out.  Yeah, good timing for that.

 

I am a better clinician from all the bad experiences I had with mental health professionals and hearing from board members here about undesirable experiences.  Still makes me SMH.

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One acquaintance, when I'd bring up the topic of DH would tell me "at least I had someone," like I was supposed to feel guilty because he wasn't in a relationship.

 

And from multiple people, something along the lines of "you have your memories." Yes, I do. I loved our relationship. But it's like telling someone who can never breathe again "at least you can remember being able to breathe."

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Guest TooSoon

I always loved unhappily-marrieds who would say to me, "I want what you and Scott had.  How do we get that?"  Um, maybe appreciate what you have?  Not helpful.

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Tybec, what you said about some mental health  professionals... oh, yes.

 

My 19 year old daughter has suffered from depression since she was 14. She had just been referred  to a psychiatrist for meds a couple of months before D died.  After he died, I called the clinic to let them know we were in a crisis situation  and asked if my daughter' s appointment could be moved up, that she really needed to be seen. I explained her meds were running out, we had cancelled  an appointment  because of the funeral, and they would not refill her meds until seen. No one would call me back. I called again. I explained AGAIN. Finally someone from the office called me and said since we cancelled they could not refill the meds and had no openings for a month. I said, "HER DAD DIED! Please tell the doctor that!"  We were finally set up with an appointment,  and when we sat down with the doctor she was stunned (apparently) to find out about our loss. No one in the clinic had bothered (apparently) to tell her even after our repeated calls. Then,  the doctor herself some months later in a session  told my daughter it was taking her longer than most to "get over" her dad's  death. WTF?  We continued to go to her because of the huge shortage of adolescent psychiatrists in our area. I felt like we had no choice. Thankfully, we had a good psychologist she was also seeing at the time.

 

My daughter is at a state university now with an excellent student health clinic that prescribes her meds and follows up. They even call her randomly now and then to see how she is doing. It always surprises her a bit...and she is like, "Wow, you know,  I am doing really well! Thank you for the call! "

 

How hard is that??

 

So glad to be done with that other situation.

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Just read this entire thread. Glad I'm not alone.

 

The night he died, his sister came over crying and said "I'm sorry, but you only have one brother, you know?"

Um, I've only had one husband? I don't get this.

 

And, I got "You are free to do whatever you want now!" from a very longtime friend. I wish I had the heart to say "I don't know what kind of marriage you had, but I did whatever I wanted anyway. I wasn't in prison. I was in a relationship."

 

Sigh. I'm learning to forgive most people. Those two stick with me.

 

 

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I have a friend who is a little bit on the self-absorbed side of life. She told me,

 

"I can't believe I have a friend that this has happened to."

 

The worst I've ever heard though came to my brother who lost his son to cancer (son was in his early 30s) from my other brother, said brother's twin.

 

"Well, you should be OK because you still have me. I know you loved him but not like you love me." Granted, one twin lives in North Carolina and the other (the dick) lives in Arizona and they see each other maybe once every three years and haven't been close since they each got married (they are in their late sixties) and my non-dick brother was close to the son who died...

 

This dick brother of mine also told me when my husband died "at least you are a (maiden name) again." I am now remarried and didn't take my new husband's last name. He REALLY can't wrap his pea brain around that!

 

Judy

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  • 2 weeks later...

Less than 2 months after my DH passed, my son's high school teacher sent me an e-mail - He was in a new school, a new district - and his loss was so fresh....  The teacher said, "Ryan is in an honors program.  He needs to act like it.  He needs to get over it and move on and focus." 

 

I was furious, shot a copy of the e-mail to the principal (who did absolutely nothing) and then found out that the teacher had said the same words to my son's face.....  "get over it, move on...focus" 

 

Are you kidding me? 

 

So... he's now enrolled elsewhere..... 

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At the grief support group I was in, the LEADER said to me that I was young and that I would get another husband.

 

This was less than a month into my grief.  I was shocked beyond words....I said nothing back to her.

 

I don't understand why some folks say such things to a widow or children.....so very hurtful are their words to all of us in grief.

 

So sorry that many of us here had to heard all these kinds of words in our time of raw grief.

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Guest wecouldbeheros

I put myself in another person's perspective whenever I hear the things. And give every effort to understand the awkwardness. Simply some people don't know what to say, and even though it could be the totally wrong thing, sometimes at least people try to communicate. A for effort ?

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I have to remember that not everyone has the same kind of relationship that I had where we were each other's favorite person and loved out loud, knowing fully well how lucky we were every day. 

 

The woman on my staff who is upset that I can't listen to HER problems, who wrinkled up her nose and said 2 months in... "You're just always so angry" (NO SHIT) and when I said I was trying, she said further... "It's just not any better."... she doesn't get it.  And I can't make her get it. Nor should I waste time trying.  Her husband is a jerk to her.  And I don't feel bad for her; she chose him.  But she doesn't have what I had.  It helps me to stop and try to recognize that in a hurtful comment... their intentions may be good (or not), but they just don't have the same relevant experience with love. 

 

I keep coming back to our varying capacities, everyone has their own stuff going on, and I have to believe that everyone is simply doing the best that they can, with whatever coping mechanism they can use, no matter how messed up. 

 

Doesn't make me NOT want to punch people... but it stops me ;)

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I've had very few comments that I consider insensitive, as wecouldbeheros suggests usually give people an A for effort for communicating.  One comment does stand out though.  Two months after DH died, I attended a family dinner with the in-laws, wore my wedding ring as I had not yet taken it off.  Sister-in-law asked why I was still wearing it, as I was no longer married.  Well duh ...... I told her that I'd take it off when I felt ready, that I still felt married.  She began reasons why I needed to move on.  Ugh, just ugh.

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I read all of this thread and am appalled at why people say these things to us. (yes, most everything you've said has also been said to me at this point)

 

Here are a few that have stood out for me:

 

- A about 5 hours after my DH passed, my BIL told me I should sell my house;

- Same BIL told me a week after the funeral that I needed to get on with my life, in particular that I needed to find a new partner so I wasn't alone (A WEEK!);

- One of my best friend told me I was "lucky" that I no longer had a mortgage payment (since we have mortgage insurance) - I can tell you all...I certainly don't feel LUCKY and would rather be in a box in the street with my DH then in a mortgage free  home alone.

 

So yeah, people suck and I've come to expect the worst things to come out of their mouths.

 

I have not yet been disappointed :(

 

MB

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Okay here goes,

 

-At my husband's death bed, someone says, "On a brighter note, I have sweet corn from my garden" I laughed inside because I knew my husband would be laughing too

 

- Someone said, "I know what you are feeling, I got divorce, it's just like death"

 

-My DH 30 year old nephew asked my then 13 year old son, "Do you have to sell your house?" Which made my son worry about loosing not only his father but his home.  I had to reassure him that we will be alright and there will be no major changes.

 

Sometimes I don't think people know what to say, so they say whatever pops up in their head.

 

 

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“You're young, you'll find someone else" So many people have said this to me.

 

“You're so lucky you get money every month for doing nothing" This came from my mother who is obsessed with how much money I'm getting from my husband's death. I would rather have my husband alive than his Social Security death benefits.

 

“I would love to have all that time alone"  This came from a well meaning friend that apparently hates her life.

 

“At least now you don't have to cook dinner every night" Same friend.

 

“Now you can do whatever you want" This was followed by how I could start a new career, move, date hot men and have a new fun filled life. Different clueless friend.

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  • 2 weeks later...

On my Shit List:

 

1. ADT rep...may need to eat my fist for breakfast

2. Storage Unit Jackass...swift kick to his bird eggs delivered by my square toed boots.

3. Anyone else??

 

I couldn't believe their temerity to say such things to you. Grrrr....

 

Baylee

 

I can't believe you had the restraint to use the word temerity!  ;)

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2 people, yes 2, said "I wish it had been my husband instead of yours.  We don't even like each other"  The second time I did respond " I wish it had been yours too" 

 

Previously very close friend "You'll be married again in a few months"  Umm, I didn't marry Grant until I was 47.  First for both of us.  5 years later I still haven't dated.

 

Grant fell from a tree while hunting.  Man at work said to my co-workers "He probably jumped just to get away from her" 

BTW, this is a man who, when he was very ill, I took food up to ICU for his family 3-4 times, took snuggly blankets, etc.

When our boss scheduled a meeting with him, he quit.

 

Ask me again why I don't like people?

 

I'm speechless.  And I  agree - I hate people. I used to be such a nice person...

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what people say does amaze me

the worst one I got was at my nieces baby shower so not really someone I knew well

she came up to me and said

"Sorry about your husband but this was the best thing that could have happened to you because you look great "    wtf

so I just assume that people walk away saying to themselves ...why the hell did I just say that !

 

Unfortunately,  I  disagree.  I think they walk away, patting themselves on the back, thinking, "what a nice thing I just said!'

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have been widowed for 2 years, but you do not forget those things do you?

 

In the first week after his death my sister - she knew how close my dh and I always had been - said three times that going through a divorce is so much worse than a bereavement. She got divorced herself 5 years ago. She tried to explain why, but I saw no point in doing a thing irrelevant as comparing two different things. In the first week, the worst week of my life! Three times!

 

A month after his death, I went for Christmas to my parents, although I didn't feel like it. I just did it for them. When everyone had arrived - my siblings and their children -  my mother stepped into the circle of chairs and said, smiling: " I am so glad everyone could make it and be here except for [one of her grandchildren] who is traveling..."

I started crying and couldn't stop for the rest of the day and regretted having come. My parents never mention my dh although they loved him a lot. I have tried to talk to them, explaining that I love talking about him, that it is painful if they keep avoiding his name. I later heard that they have asked my brother if he could give me emotional support, as they couldnt.

I know they mean well, they just don't know how to deal with this. They stem from a generation where emotions and problems were " swept under the carpet".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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