Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said

[kjs1989]

Milojka,

 

It is amazing how family, of all people, can spew forth some of the most insensitive comments. I have experienced that, too.

 

My brother actually made the comment that he didn't understand why I wasn't coping better. After all, I wasn't by any means left destitute he said. Also, others experience this loss all the time and just pick up the pieces and go on. He then went on to name several people, including Katie Couric. 

 

My BIL (husband's brother) actually told someone who passed it on to me, that I am not a (insert married name) so the family business which my husband, with my support, worked so hard to grow five times over after BIL sold his shares to him, should be back in his control.

 

Yep, gotta love family.

 

 

 

 

[Nicky11]

Oh my! I never would have thought that comments like these were so common... I kind of thought my people were a special kind of insensitive. Here are a few of mine...

 

Between Brian passing and his funeral, I was staying at my mom's because we had his service in our hometown. My mom informs me that my aunt is taking her out for lunch for her birthday... I'm like "Oh my gosh! I completely forgot. I'm so sor... wait... your birthday isn't until the middle of next month! What are you like ten years old???"

 

She has also told me how fortunate I am a few times. Fortunate... what, because I didn't have to move to a cardboard box? Because I gladly would if I could have my Brian back.

 

My answer to the divorce comparison... "You're right. Divorce is worse. Brian didn't WANT to leave me."

 

I tend to give a pass to those who mean well but just don't know what to say. I've been there! Even since Brian's passing... I don't know what to say to other newer widows. Isn't that weird? It all most feels even more difficult because asking "How are you?" the answer pops in my head like "How do you think they are!"

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Nicky,

 

I'm sorry you had to join our club.  I understand that many people don't know what to say, as they have never been in our shoes.  As for this:

 

I tend to give a pass to those who mean well but just don't know what to say. I've been there! Even since Brian's passing... I don't know what to say to other newer widows. Isn't that weird? It all most feels even more difficult because asking "How are you?" the answer pops in my head like "How do you think they are!"

 

Your question is likely to be appreciated by other young widows because it is sincere and likely a place where they can truly answer the question honestly.  If you identify yourself as a young widow yourself, you are likely to find yourself in a situation similar to this website...amongst people who understand and can be sensitively supportive. 

 

"I know this is really hard.  How are you?  I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to."

 

This goes a long way...

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Guest oneoftwo]

We lost my love when we went off the road in snow, we all were there:

-my sister-in-law asked how much money I got for the truck

- my employer (kindly) set up an account for our 3 children, not so sensitive co-worker said gleefully "Oh, but that money must help!"

- my really wonderful mother in law, when I broke down once years later and told her in tears "I just miss him s much"- she replied "We all miss him"- I know that is true, but I also miss him in the quiet way a spouse only knows, late at night/early in the morning. And in the way a co-conspirator knows "Look- we made these kids!"

- poor young cashier who looked at me one day and asked "Is something wrong?" And all I could manage was "Yes"

- my sister asked me pretty early on "What is XX doing?" XX being my high school boyfriend, who I would not once think of trying to contact, given how he treated me. So weird she asked about him

[KrypticKat]

I've got a contender for just being THE WORST to a widow.

 

My boss called me in about 3 days before Christmas to talk about my continued transition back to full time work. It wasn't great timing to begin with but about half way through the conversation she told me she'd read an article recently on why it's hard to be a young widow around the holidays.

 

She then began to 'educate' me on what she found so interesting about the article (um, yeah, pretty sure I have the expert opinion on why it sucks to be a young widow at Christmas here!). Then she cuts in: "And you know one of the hardest parts is the sexual stuff."

 

Ummm...What?

 

"You know, because you are so young."

 

Oh my god my boss is trying to talk to me about my non existent sex life three days before my first Christmas alone. Shoot me....please shoot me.

 

I was so stunned and didn't want to break down in the room that I tried to change the subject. I tried to say something to the affect of I hope one day I can look forward to the holidays again as I did in years past to which she replied:

 

"Yeah, but back then you had hope".

 

There are no words for this. Needless to say I'm looking for a new job.

[Jennica]

About a month after my husband passed my daughter asked if I was going to remarry now. It blew my mind that she asked and it was so upsetting that this is what she was now worried about. I was telling a fellow co-worker this story and she responded... and laughing at the same time, well not yet anyway. I was so stunned. Some people just don't get it or something.

[Monique]

"You look good!"/ "You've lost weight!" --well, yeah, that tends to happen when you don't eat for a week.

 

"You'll find someone else"

 

"You only knew him for 2 years, eventually it'll seem like a small part of your life."

 

The one that made me the most mad, though, was when his BIL volunteered to pick out clothes for the viewing, and then complained about the cost when "They're just going to be burned anyway."

 

Oh, and my family suggested I should get together with his younger brother, as if it would be exactly the same as having him back.

 

And they keep coming...

 

"Lots of people move on after being widowed; you will too."

 

"Maybe getting married was just too much pressure for him."

 

"It's probably for the best. You probably wouldn't have had a happy marriage anyway." Um, our relationship was amazing. I've never known a love like we had. Don't EVER tell me that losing him was for the best.

 

"You should be mad at him. What he did was really selfish." No. Just no.

[bromans]

At the cemetery,  3 days after he unexpectedly died, buying the plots...  "You sure you want two? You are young and pretty, you'll probably marry again."

 

 

This, though I wasn't called pretty because I'm a man, was said to me a couple of times. Once by the funeral director, once by the headstone guy when I told him I wanted a double headstone.

[bromans]

Also, has anyone else whose spouse was in a car accident  gotten a snoody "probably texting" or "I thought she was a GOOD driver" as if to say these things only happen to people who drive like idiots. I got both of these from distant relatives who I will (now) probably never speak to again.

[kjs1989]

Hi bromans,

 

It seems to me when your spouse dies in a horrific accident some people want to rationalize it, because of course it could never happen to one of THEIR loved ones.

 

My husband died in a boat accident on a dark foggy morning when the boat driver was speeding to get to their duck blind before it was claimed by someone else, and he hit a channel marker in the river. My husband was thrown from the  boat and drown in three feet of water. The question I repeatedly got was, "Couldn't he swim??"

 

My husband was a scuba diver. Yes, he could swim, except that it is hard to swim when you are unconscious, which often happens when you are thrown with great force from a speeding boat perhaps hitting your head in the process.

[KrypticKat]

@bromans

 

I had every possible explanation given. Texting, maybe he had a seizure, he was too stressed from work...God has a plan...God needed him early...grrr.

 

We all make split second decisions when driving. We all make educated assumptions about drivers around us. It just happens that most of us don't get in accidents. But they happen even with good drivers. I think sometimes people forget we drive tonnes of glass and metal at break neck speeds and news flash there is risk with that.

 

People just wanna wrap your tragedy in a nice neat little package because then they don't have to face the reality that the world is random and even good people lose sometimes.

 

This tragedy does not define you or the wonderful person you significant other was. Screw other people's theories.

 

 

[2ManyQuestions]

I have heard these comments many times.

 

This is the second time, what are you doing to these girls?

Can you add more names to your headstone?

You had no much luck with girls.

(Widowed twice) Does this mean the same girl died twice.

This is the second time.

You must be able to retire now.

You can write a book on what to do

 

There are likely others, but those are the top ones that come to mind

 

-D

 

[Bunny]

Was at a party recently, didn't know many people. Start making polite chit chat with a woman that somehow turns into more personal stuff and her proclaiming divorce is just a traumatic as widowhood. I try to go with it by asking sympathetically about (what I assumed to be) her very shitty divorce. Turns out, they still talk all the time! I was speechless so the pronouncement ended up just sitting there between us. Probably best.

 

 

The texting assumption for a fatal car accident reminds me of the 'did he smoke?' question I got when telling people how my husband died. It's just such a stupid, insensitive, shitty thing to ask- whether they smoked/texted or they didn't. These questions imply the dead person is at fault for being dead.  These questions/pronouncements are ALL about the person being terrified of death and needing to justify that this could never ever happen to them or someone they love. Well, guess what people?! Spoiler Alert: you're gonna fuckin' die someday.

[Adley]

Exactly Bunny. It's all about their fear.  And I guess it's not even their fault.  Still sucks for us though.

[KrypticKat]

I was talking to my mother about getting life insurance to cover my new mortgage for the house I just bought on my own. She asked 'who are you buying it for'.

 

Cause I'm gonna die alone now so fuck protecting my investments right?

[Sweetpea83]

I have had one of his friends say he had a dream about me hooking up with my hubby's brother.  Did I think that would ever happen?  Hell no.  Not a chance.  Haha

[KrypticKat]

Standing in line at Starbucks in a griefy mood on my phone waiting to give my order. I must have been frowning because the guy behind me taps me on the shoulder and asks: "Hey sweetheart, who died?"

 

I look up stunned but manage to reply "my husband" then immediately go back to my phone. He left me alone after that.

 

Ask a shitty question get a shitty answer am I right?

[Christopher]

I got to page 5 and couldn't take it anymore.

 

Yikes! Wow! I'd like to gather up all those nasty people and put them on an island together with SAM sites all around ready to shoot down any outbound air traffic and depth charge mines ready to take out anyone trying to leave. They can enjoy the island together. I bet it would have to be pretty big. I'd give them a bunch of seeds of all varieties and some manuals on how to farm so they could eat well and be healthy while they were being cruel heartless wretches.

 

Things I have been told:

 

"You should move on. I know a couple college girls interested in a threesome who need an extra man around..." - Former co-worker

"I think the best medicine for your emotions right now is to go back to work." - office lady at the apartment complex

"Why would you complain that this is the last load of her clothing that you will wash and fold? That's just insane!" - Former neighbor at the old apartments

"The only important person in your life is your son. You can go to hell for all I care." - dad's second wife (both divorced)

"I don't understand what your problem is. Why do you even still care about that woman? She's dead!" - grandma on my dad's side

"I know a couple girls that could give you some head and you'll feel fine in a minute. You'll forget that old broad just as quick as you can spit!" - uncle

"Why do you even need a wife anyway? Just hang at my place, get high and we'll get you laid." - former coworker's drug dealer

"Grief is quick and painless. You're just being a big wuss about it." - drug addict at a grocery store

 

I kind of ... stopped talking to people about it. Then when I felt ok to talk about it again because I had largely conquered the pain, I got these gems:

 

"She's hideous. I can't believe you'd even want that." - gal I nearly dated

"So what did you need her for? You can find all that at the dollar store. Just pick up a chick there and you'll be fine." - some idiot (I forget where I was)

"I think you belong on 'people of wal-mart'" - ex's daughter (during that first 2 years when I couldn't even any of it and didn't brain at all because of the dumb caused by grief)

"Yeah my dad was widowed. He dealt with it by killing himself. Best choice he ever made." - jackass at the gas station

"Maybe if you play the lottery you'll win that too." - woman at a grocery store

"I can't possibly fathom why such an intelligent person would be so obsessed with prattling on about some relationship he had with a woman who was kind to his genitals." - a college professor I talked to only once

"I care more about dogs than people and right now you're on my nerves." - a woman at petsmart whom overheard my conversation with a friend about being widowed

"I go for married men, not for widows." - a woman I hit on. She was scowling as she said this.

"I think the best thing you can do is take out some life insurance and make it look like an accident. Since you have a kid too you can get a double whammy. It just has to look like an accident. Your life is already over, you just haven't joined your wife yet." - car sales manager advising me on getting my family's debt settled instead of working to pay it off

"Your grandma stole your car, you lost your job because you couldn't remember anything, the apartment management wanted you to die too so they could rent to someone else, your kid would have died without you there... why does any of this matter? Why should anyone care? You're just another hopeless bum living on the lam with your SSI and your sob story."

 

It's really sad that being widowed is a "don't ask, don't tell" matter for most folks. Lovely people, no? Kind of makes me want to bathe the world in nuclear fire. That would be nice. I'm not angry or anything, I just want them to end like that time when you can't wait until that movie your parents are watching is over so you can play video games on the TV. The deep burning rage has finally turned to cinders and ash, though there are still a few embers of raw fury left in the pile.

[HCE]

Lovely people, no?

 

Good grief! There are some classy, classy people out there.

 

I'm so sorry you had to listen to all that, Christopher.

[klim]

I just had a colleague lose her elderly father. Now I know people grieve the loss of their parent pretty hard sometimes and admittedly I'm not very emapthetic about this. I have lost both my parents and yes there was an initial sadness but not elongated grief. It's the circle of life.

 

Having said this I am sensitive enough to know that is my opinion and everybody handles things differently.

 

What I had trouble with was when I went and offered my condolences upon her return to work, she told me how it was difficult(ok) and how I could relate(ok) and how her teenage daughter ended up breaking down at the end of the funeral......and somehow she said it was just like my sons.....

 

NO !!! My sons lost their DAD when he was in the prime of life....not their grandfather at the end of his ......NOT THE SAME!

 

I

[kjs1989]

Klim,

 

I hear you. I always thought it would be so completely devastating to lose my parents, and there was a time I almost obsessed over the thought. But then I lost D in the prime of life with three teenagers at home five years ago. Two years later my dad was gone. Then last December my mom died. I was sad, but also quite stoic about it, and although my kids were heartbroken, they, too, realized it was indeed the circle of life and moved forward through the grief quickly. The loss of their dad, well, no, that is something with us every day. Every single day.

 

I guess all we can do is just vent like this, because their loss is personal to them and  relative to their life experiences, of course.  But, no, not the same.

 

I  have also experienced something similar when a divorced friend offered condolences to my loss and said she could emphathize with my kids' grief as her children were "going through the same thing."  Ummm, no they weren't. I saw their dad shouting encouragement at the son's baseball game the next weekend and  presenting his daughter with flowers and hugs after her dance recital a few weeks later.

 

But that is a whole other thread. 😉

 

 

 

[MR]

I had similar experience few times. Last night friend not in touch for a while called to give his condolence and said he can understand as he also went in depression 2 years back when his dad passed away. I was like no dude it is not same but didn't wanted to say it to his face.

One time one divorced women told me you are better off as you have good memories about her unlike them who have bad memories about their marriage and spouse.

[meemzi]

My partner's family and I went shopping for funeral homes. At the first one, we were talking through all our questions: cremation or burial? Open casket or closed? Can we hide the marks? The funeral director asked, "So he hung himself, then? Well here's what we can do, blah blah."

 

And then as we were leaving, the funeral director said, "Thank you for coming in. Hang in there, everyone."

 

Now it's become somewhat of a joke between us:

"How are you holding up?"

"Oh, you know. I'm hanging in there."