Yet again another meltdown

[Trying]

I should know better by now.  Every holiday or special occasion since DH died my oldest, and one time my middle son, has ruined with a complete and total meltdown. 

 

We often had friends over for a Memorial Day pool party and BBQ (and Fourth of July and Labor Day).  Parties at our house were a way of life.  Our friends and their kids who are my kids ages.  The boys and I decided this would be our last one at this house before we move so we should go for it.  They all worked hard helping me get things ready with the pool and the outside.  They were happy that New Guy was able to fix the sink outside that they couldn't fix and that he went to costco with me to help carry the heavy stuff.

 

It was a beautiful day yesterday, all of our friends were there, New Guy and his young children, all,of the older kids were playing with his kids in the pool, it seemed to be going great.  Just when it got the point I could put my bathing suit on and relax with my friends my oldest and middle son decide to have a fit, calling me away from everyone so the oldest could yell and scream and cry and tell me how awful I am because I was smiling at new guys kids jumping in the pool and looked happy.  This went on and on, some left, poor new guy didn't know what to do and got his kids packed up and left.  Some friends stuck around and cleaned up to make sure I was ok.  They have witnessed this all before.

 

My youngest tries to hold himself together but tucking him in he was crying.  These outbursts are scary, he looks up to big brothers.  Then a long emotional talk with the older 2.  Same as before, apologies for the outburst and awful things said, but can't stand the idea of me dating.  This is first party new guy has been to.  Every holiday or party oldest has had an outburst that had nothing to do with new guy, before there was a new guy, before he knew there was a new guy.  He has ruined Christmas, birthdays, DHs birthday, Mother's Day and Father's Day last year, his own graduation, you name it.  Ruined it for his brothers, for me, made everyone around us uncomfortable with his anger and tears.  Then has the nerve to tell me I ruined their special day by having new guy there.

 

I don't know what to do anymore.  Obviously I can't have parties anymore because they all end this way.  I can't have new guy and his boys around because I can't put those innocent little boys in that situation (luckily they missed the drama and were clueless).  So I am an emotional hostage in my own home?  I can't have friends over, I can't celebrate anything, new guy and I have to return our relationship to the shadows? 

 

I thought therapy was helping him but he obviously has a long way to go. How do,I let him go back to college in the fall when he still has so much anger just under the surface?  He has seemed so happy and helpful lately, talks to me, spends time with his brothers.  Then the slightest thing set him off and it gets my middle son caught up who thinks he is responsible for diffusing things.

 

I'm sorry to go on and on but I am at my wits end.  I get lulled into thinking he's doing better and we are all doing pretty ok and then Bam! We are right back.  I will talk to his therapist but I'm tired of being hopeful that it's every going to change. I'm angry that I have to put aside the things that make me happy and help me with own grief.  I'm worried he will never get his life together.

 

Anyone who has experience that can give me advice I would so appreciate it.

[Captains wife]

First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else in your life! Dating and parenthood is so tough, especially when the children can't accept the change. I've had fleeting moments of thought where I think I should give up dating - my situation is very different from yours but I am dealing with a young child that is starting to recognize his Dad is gone forever and is desperate to fill that void. At the same time, things have been getting more serious with someone I am dating and he is starting to be in my sons life. But given I am still unsure about this guy I am really still keeping a lot of space between the two. For your situation, your son does sound as if he is struggling which is understandable but he is also old enough that he should learn to control himself. So I have two minds about your situation - firstly, even as a mother you are "allowed" to move on with your life and you are the adult and should be dictating your life decisions. Dating in the shadows isn't fair to you and your new guy and doesn't directly deal with your son's issues. I feel as though your son is just going to have to learn to adapt and control his behavior. On the other hand, I feel that your son is hurting so badly and can't stand to see you dating but I think more therapy and you two talking it out will help- even if it's a long road. And from your end, maybe trying to blend families (even if it was just a party) is too much for your son to handle right now so having new guy and his kids around will need to be tapered back for now. Find ways too maybe to keep showing him you miss his father and all of you are honoring his memory. I'm so sorry this is such a difficult transition for both of you and I wish I had more wisdom to share with you - sending widow hugs your way.....

[Trying]

Thank you so much for your reply.  I struggle back and forth about be respectful for my kids needs but never getting the respect back.  It is understandable that me dating is hard on them and I have been extremely sensitive, slow and low pressure about it.  My son has had these out bursts and meltdowns at every holiday and special occasion since his father died so,if it wasn't new guy it would've been something else.  The only difference is that this time he has a somewhat valid reason to blame his meltdown on me where he never has before.  I am so worried that he isn't going to get past this angry phase and he will have no future or that he is going to end up doing something destructive to himself or someone else with lifelong consequences. Not being able to help your child, even when that child is 18, is heart breaking. 

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry, Trying. It all must feel so terrible. I really have no experience as I'm not in your situation with seeing someone. I think maybe joint counseling would be worth a try. I think that you and your sons are at a different place in viewing your relationship. Since your son isn't aware that you've been dating as long as you have, maybe he is feeling that you seem to have gotten so close and comfortable to your new guy quickly and that is somehow translating to a lack of concern for them or that you've easily forgotten their dad - neither of which is true, of course. Maybe seeing your friends interacting with new guy may have felt a little like they had forgotten your husband and accepted this replacement (in his mind) as well.

 

Honestly, if you see yourself continuing to see your new guy, I would consider family counseling for you and your boys together where you tell the boys how long you've been seeing new guy. I think you won't bear the burden of keeping that secret any longer. You can let the boys know that you have spent a lot of time trying not to have them hurt by your dating, and that you've also spent a lot of time unsure about the relationship, because it is hard to start a new relationship when you still love their dad and always will. I think a counselor could help reinforce to them that you do deserve to have your own happiness in addition to being their mom. I met with my son's counselor with him, so his counselor could explain that the feelings I have are understandable and normal. He seemed to accept that from the counselor much easier than from me. It made a big difference.

 

Perhaps the combination of the party without their dad, combined with having new guy and his kids there just was too much in that instance, rather than overall. The boys are facing a lot of change with adjusting to new guy, moving, trying school again, etc.. Even change that you feel positive about can cause a lot of anxiety.

 

Sending you tight, tight hugs. I'm sure feeling so torn must be difficult. I don't think your son intends to ruin these events for you. Perhaps these special occasions without his dad are still just really hard for him. Regardless, I appreciate how upsetting it must be for you when you've been trying so hard to do your best for your sons. More hugs...

[Trying]

Thanks SVS. I think family counseling is a very good idea and again I guess I have to force them even though they refuse. I keep telling him that his feelings are valid but his way of expressing them is destructive to himself and to the whole family. I will give up having parties even though all 3 say they want them. I will give up bringing new guy into my life even if that means I risk losing him, if it means my son will do the hard work to get the help he needs and make the positive changes to move forward with his life. I would give up everything for my kids if I thought it would help. I've already lost so much, I can tolerate anything except losing my kids.

[MissinGrizz]

It is heart breaking, but it's not fair to hold you as an emotional hostage either. You'll never make them all happy. I recall I had one wanting me desperately to recouple and the other wanting me to remain alone forever, for example. Somebody was bound to be unhappy.

 

It's been almost two years, and if your older kids are still reacting this way, it is time for some help or tough love. I'm not sure of which; only you can know. It's one thing for them to cry; it's another to throw a tantrum and cause drama in front of others.

 

My heart breaks for you. I commend you for putting your kids first. Just be sure they don't use that against you. Your oldest two will be out of the house very soon, and you'll be left with nothing. That's just not fair to you. You guys need to discuss a compromise of some sort.

[SoVerySad]

Trying, honey, I'm hoping you won't have to give up new guy. Try to hold onto hope that this can be worked out. I'm hoping that your boys can understand how much you have thought about their feelings. Right now they have no clue the lengths you have gone to to protect their feelings, etc.. I suspect they might at first feel like you weren't honest with them by hiding the relationship, but hopefully the counselor can help them understand why you did it the way you have and help them recognize how much you prioritize them. Yes, you are correct that his feelings are valid, but he needs to find ways to better deal with them than lashing out. I have found that sometimes when I've tried to plan things for my kids that they said they wanted to do, it ends up not being a good time, because the absence of their dad hurts too much. As parents, we become conditioned to mask our hurt for the kids' benefit. Sometimes I have felt like throwing a fit myself, because I am so sad and pissed that he isn't there with us. But, of course, I don't.

 

I forgot to acknowledge in my last post how much change you are going through yourself as well. Moving is tremendously difficult and exhausting - both emotionally and physically. While moving is hard emotionally for your boys, it isn't the same as for you. You know the plans and excitement you had in purchasing that home you are leaving and hold so many more memories than they could ever realize. Be gentle with yourself. Hopefully yesterday was just a really bad day as you said that overall things have been going better.

 

I'm sending you lots of positive energy and love...

[Lisa]

Some people take a lot longer. Therapy doesnt always work as quickly as we would like. I have to do all celebrations differently now. We adjust and then readjust. My steoppdaughter made such a scene at mothers day we decided she just wont do it any more.  If she's in a bad way on a holiday we will do it with out her. You may wish to change the way you date and try not to combine families until they are in a better place. Im not saying dont date but I wouldn't combine families yet. They need to catch up to where you are. A childs loss is different.good  luck

[Sugarbell]

No experience here.....but wanted to send you big ((((Hugs)))))

 

Just my opinion...sometimes therapy....well gives kids an excuse reason to act out more. Like subconsciously certain seeds are planted in therapy that may have not been there to start with. This opinion isn't a popular one and by no means am I saying it's correct...But it was just something my pediatrician told me years ago.

 

But I have never dealt with teens and grief. Just wanted to send you strength!

[Guest fleur]

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[serpico]

^^^ Wow, very well said.

[Trying]

Fleur

Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience and your insight. I'm sorry that your youngest is struggling too. You are right that giving up all that makes me happy is not the answer and my oldest has had many outbursts that have nothing to do with New Guy so this was just the trigger if the day. He has several good male role models in his life that he has been shutting out. He knows he is not in control of his emotions and that he has screwed up and I think he's embarrassed around adults he is close to. His best friend is a girl down the street and he does go to her and her mother at times when he loses control. They were here yesterday.

 

He has been going to individual counseling because I said he couldn't live in our house unless he did and I thought it was helping. He is day to day very happy, helpful, talks to me more than he has since his Dad died, gets along well with his brothers and spends a lot of time with them. But it's like a switch goes off and the anger and hysterical tears are right under the surface. His brothers are deeply effected. My middle son feels responsible to keep him even keeled and to keep peace with me. My youngest adores him and gets scared when he goes off.

 

I registered him to go back to college in the fall because he has done everything I said he needed to and seemed to be improving but now I'm worried he's not ready. I hate to admit that a big part of me just wants him out of the house so I'm willing to try it. He knows that this is his last chance at school on my dime and living at home is not an option if he's not in school.

 

New guy is being amazing and supportive and obviously protective of his children. He worries about me and was upset that he couldn't comfort me yesterday because it would've made things worse. I really don't want to lose him but I worry that at some point it will all be too much for him. He would marry me tomorrow if my kids (and I) were ready but he doesn't pressure me. I hate that no matter what I do I am either hurting my kids or him and either way it hurts me.

 

Aside from all of you here, he is the only one I share everything about my struggles with. He's the only one in my real life who doesn't judge me and isn't afraid to tell me the things I don't always want to hear.

 

2 steps forward 1 step back. Being supportive without enabling. Reassuring all of my kids that everyone's feelings are equally important and respect for each other is essential. Boundaries and clear expectations. I am listening to all of you and I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's perspective, advice, and support.

[Trying]

Sorry, double posted!

[canadiangirl]

Trying, so sorry to hear about this terrible experience.  For what it's worth, I too do not think you should give up your own happiness - hasn't loss taught us that life is short, that we must seize happiness when it comes?  Despite the loss of his dad, because he is a teen, perhaps your son hasn't yet fully realized the import of this. 

 

I am totally biased because I am on my way now to an EMDR appt, but although we are both cancer widows, and did not lose our spouses to sudden death, I still wonder whether it is not trauma that is operating on (me) and perhaps your son, not "just" grief.  As eldest he may have felt thrust in a situation where he felt responsible for you and the family (again, I do not feel this is the case, but sometimes these things operate at a different level).  To feel a constant sense of failure or shame in letting people down would just compound the feelings of trauma and loss.  This is heavy stuff. Here are some symptoms of traumatic stress:

 

    Physical:  fatigue, exhaustion, sleep disturbances, hyper-arousal, appetite changes, digestive issues, headaches, nausea, muscles aches

    Emotional: fear and guilt, numbness, anxiety, depression, anger, helplessness, irritability, frustration

    Behavioral: withdrawal, outbursts, hyper alert, change in activity, suspiciousness, startle reaction increases,

    Cognitive: flashbacks, difficulty with problem solving, change in alertness, amnesia/confusion, decreased concentration, difficulty making decisions, memory disturbances.

 

Maybe the therapist (so great you got him there!) could discuss trauma if s/he is not doing so already)?

((Trying)) You are a great mom.

 

[Guest fleur]

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[klim]

My 17 yr old son does not express his displeasure of situations with anger but rather with withdrawal. Although perhaps easier to handle, it is still worrisome. I have not maybe completely dealt with it because it is not disruptive. I have continued to do the things I like with new guy and given my son permission to excuse himself from any activity that he is not comfortable with. So he has not done Easter , mothers day,  and Victoria day. He was not allowed to skip Christmas but got veto power over whether new guy was invited.

My son is also making decisions about going away to school next year and although I am worried about him being emotionally fragile I am hopeful that this will be his chance to find his niche.

My thought about your son and school is this is a good chance to leave the triggers behind and flourish. If you can work on some counselling at that end that's sounds wise.(no experiences with counselling here but it sounds good). I know he tried to spread his wings before and he kinda crashed , maybe it was too soon. But he has that under his belt, hopfully learning through experiences, older and wiser. As you said he had been doing well. Focus on the future of his life independant of yours.If he becomes confident in his own ability to be independant , his anxieties around what you are doing to rebuild may diminish.

You realize most of this advice I'm giving to you is what I hope will happen for my son.

 

We're making a descision today whether he is going away to school  next year . ahhhh presssure!

[Trying]

Klim, good luck to you and your son with the big decision. It's such a leap of faith and while I think it is ok to stumble, I worry about out right failure.  I hope your son is able to spread his wings so that he is more open when he comes back to the nest.

 

We had a therapy session together this week in addition to,his regular session.  I think it was helpful and his therapist agreed that I have allowed them to disrespect me in a way I never did before DH died.  He gave me some tools and fair warning to my son that I wasn't going to tolerate his outbursts anymore.  It was also a good opportunity to acknowledge the progress he has made and how much better our relationship has been the past couple of months.

 

Yesterday we went out on he boat, just the 4 of us, which was a huge trigger for my oldest last summer, and had a great time.

 

Cautiously optimistic? Still more cautious at this point but hope is sneaking in slowly.

 

 

[Virgo]

I'm glad to hear you're seeing some improvements. ((hugs))

[Guest Mel4072]

I have 3 kids and they all dealt with grief differently. One commonality I found was that often, they weren't aware of the thoughts or feelings behind their actions. I've learned to listen and be patient and try to help them figure it out while remaining nonjudgmental with them. It can be hard because when my kids hurt, I hurt! And there isn't any way to make it better.

I hope you can find a way to talk to your son about his fears, frustration and whatever is behind these outbursts. My daughter has had melt downs at holidays and I know how anxious it has made me. Afterwards, we talk about "future options". If she is feeling anxious then she doesn't have to participate. We can put it off or nix the plans all together. That gave her a sense of control and helped her to manage her emotions. Boys are a little more aggressive. My sons worked through their anger and felt a sense of relief once they had. It's so hard. My heart hurts for you. But I hope that you can talk and he can express what his feelings are and you can let him know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what he feels. Grief is tough stuff!!!

Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up. Don't give up. It's a process. And those "acting out" instances are a good starting point for conversation to resolve fears and anger. My best to you.