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Confessions of a widow


Tweety76
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Migrating this one over to the new board. The confessions thread was started in YWBB in 2005 by Penta with these words:

 

"One of the awesome things about the YWBB is that we know we can say things here that we can't say elsewhere... things we MIGHT tell our best friend, but would never say to our family. ... Anybody else need to unburden their souls, share their darkest secrets?"

 

Here are mine for today:

- I cannot be bothered to wash dishes so I keep using the same set of a plate, a mug, fork, knife and spoon until they are so disgusting I have to

- My diet is so crappy I'm actually starting to get worried. If I have a day off or work from home, I live on an apple (yes 1) and Protein shake combo and wonder why I feel so horrible in the evening. Plus I forget to drink water

- I have feelings for a colleague but I keep those to myself for he is married (get out of my head now please!). Good conversations though :)

- I have a walking date tonight but expect just about nothing of it. Good online conversations though again

 

Who's next?

 

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This thread was a life saver for me.  It was oddly comforting to know that the "confessions" of others were actually things I had been doing and was afraid to let anyone know.  I honestly can't even remember what my confessions were, but I know I laughed and cried right along with all of them.  Thank you for resurrecting it.

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[*]I asked a friend out to dinner, no interest there at all, just tired of going home and sitting in the dark alone

[*]I am back to wearing B's boxer briefs..

[*]I had a bowl of chex for dinner last night, I guess at least I ate something..

[*]I look for him in traffic.. I keep expecting to see him. I think the Idea of him leaving me is easier than dealing with the idea of him being dead..

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Guest littlebirdie

I see happy couples and wonder which one of them will die first.

 

I copied the above from the other thread because I still do this sometimes...

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I see happy couples and wonder which one of them will die first.

 

I copied the above from the other thread because I still do this sometimes...

 

This! I remember doing that too :) Haven't for awhile and I just noticed when you posted :)

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  • I haven't vacuumed in 3 months.
  • I haven't cooked an actual meal for my DD or myself in probably the same amount of time; so glad she keeps requesting quesadillas for dinner!!
  • I am paralyzed at the thought of spending any money to replace our old, dying electronics because we always consulted each other first.
  • I sleep with the shirt he was wearing the day he died. I've sweat and cried all over it so it smells nothing like him anymore. I smear his deodorant on it once in a while to "freshen" it up.
  • When I smell his deodorant now, my mind barely recognizes it as "his scent" and it terrifies me that I'm losing him that quickly.
  • I look at his pictures and watch video to remember his face and voice, but it's like stabbing myself repeatedly. I need it, but it kills me.
  • My electricity and water bills have decreased dramatically, so yay!
  • I have much less laundry to do each week, and I feel guilty being happy about that.
  • I celebrate the small things like putting the registration tags on my car by myself, or figuring out how to turn on the automatic sprinklers, which were typically his domain.

 

Jessica

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  • I sleep with the shirt he was wearing the day he died. I've sweat and cried all over it so it smells nothing like him anymore. I smear his deodorant on it once in a while to "freshen" it up.

 

Jessica

 

Jessica,

I did this too, B had class the day he died and I had his under shirt on his pillow up until a few weeks ago, it was starting to turn colors. I smeared deodorant on it every night so I could "cuddle with him" The clothes he died in were burned by my father out law, he was trying to protect my love's mother and I from having to see them. In hind sight I wish he hadn't done that.. I'd give anything to have the shirt he passed in...

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Been so long. I forgot that Pentha started this one. Thanks for the reminder.

 

My favorite (because I could relate to it) was about clothes:

 

If it's on the floor, it's dirty. In the basket, it's clean.

 

And all these years later, this is probably still true. At least about clothes in a basket. My family has had to adjust to the new normal of wrinkled clothing.

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I reached the one year anniversary today, and I went into work.  My teaching assistant was MIA today (of all days), and I was not only grieving, but sick.  I tried to be a good teacher today, really I did, but by the end of the day, I was just done.  When my students came in for the final period of the day, I told them honestly I was having a bad day and that all I wanted was for them to just give me quiet and to stay in their seats.  After spending about ten minutes reading aloud to them, I told them that they could pull out the Chromebooks and play cool math games for the remainder of the period.  I didn't even bother to try to teach. I did, however, give extra credit for making good choices to those who opted to work on homework or missing assignments instead.

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lcoxwell,

 

I can't even count the number of days my students didn't get me at my best.

 

You did better than I did on the first anniversary. I called in sick. I was but in better times it wouldn't have kept me home.

 

You did good!

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I tried to be a good teacher today

 

You were, I promise. I was an elementary school principal when I lost my husband and some days it was just about all I could do to walk in the door, especially on the hard days (which they pretty much all were for a really, really long time.) You just do the best you can, do a periodic head count to make sure you still have them all :) , and get through the day. Some time with the math games is a great reinforcer and it gave you a breather! Well done for making it through the day! Don't forget a mental health day here and there...gotta take care of yourself.

 

K

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I'm on the forum while I'm at work...

 

Guilty.

 

I sprinkled carpet deodorizer over two weeks ago.... and still haven't vacuumed it up. I have even had a house guest during that period  :(

 

Last autumn's leaves on still on the lawn.

 

My hair, beard, and dog all really need a trim.

 

I came home to find my regularly drunken neighbor burning fallen limbs in my back yard fire pit - and I didn't care, or even say "hi". I did occasionally check to make sure the yard wasn't on fire.

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Guest littlebirdie

I'm on the forum while I'm at work...

 

Me too, but I'm self-employed and work from home so nobody cares. happydance-1.gif

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1. Realized last night I haven't washed the shower curtain  in.......well have I EVER since I moved over a year ago?

2. Haven't done a load of laundry in 2 weeks.

3. No food in the house, no dinero to make it happen no giveadamn to worry about it.

4. I alienated my very very best friend today by forgetting he is not the widda board and I just went off at the mouth whining and being clingy and now I'm at work wanting the floor to open up and swallow me.

5. It's 1:50 p.m. and I've done no real work today to speak of.

6. Heard "our" song today and really just HURT.

 

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I act clueless about domestic stuff around the ladies at work. It's a chance to enjoy a little female conversation even if it is only about a recipe or laundry advice.

 

This struck me as quite funny.  Care to share the recipes?  Or do you not even use them, you just listen :)

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Share recipes? ;D You may be onto something mangomom, perhaps a "cooking for one" thread. If I ask about a recipe or something I'll usually give it a try and afterward engage in some follow up chat about how it worked out.

 

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1. I live on coffee most of the time-- I go to Starbucks nearly every day and drink 2 cups of brewed coffee with sugar and half-and-half (my reasoning is that the sucrose, fat, and tiny bit of protein should be sufficient, along with all the excess fluffiness that I have). I keep yogurt and granola bars at work, and I chew ice all day. If I'm home alone, I get hungry, wander to the kitchen, look in the fridge, then shut it again and think, Nah, not worth the effort, I'd rather listen to my stomach growl. I only eat a full meal when my mom is home, because she insists on making one and then pulls a guilt trip if I don't clean my plate. People keep asking me what my secret is (cos, yes, I've dropped a fair bit), and I tell them it's the Diet from Hell. I couldn't care less about weight loss, I just can't be bothered with finding and consuming food most days.

 

2. I feel sorry for myself, and I HATE IT. It makes me despise myself for being so weak and pathetic. But I can't seem to stop.

 

3. I sometimes think I created this whole thing-- from finding Jim to marrying him and then on through to losing him-- as some St Elsewhere or Dallas-style extended dream sequence in order to deal with the colossal disaster that was my first marriage. It was never real, so I don't belong here--or anywhere else, as far as I can tell, except maybe some freak show someplace. :(

 

4. I can tell myself a thousand times a day that "I got this," but it's a house of cards on a wobbly table in an earthquake zone. Honestly... I think I'm just... done.

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