It has been nearly forever since I came in here. I tried to visit last year I think, and the site was down, and then life intervened. So much has happened since last we chatted!

I spent a year working two jobs to pay down some major bills after Second Husband died. BF and I started living together in like 2018. I settled on just one job and realized I didn't want to live in that house anymore. I sold it last summer and we drove cross-country to come and live closer to the current job. The pandemic had caused him to shut down the business he'd started, so he was freewheeling anyway

We got married in December, in epic fashion: I called a mobile justice of the peace who met us at a restaurant just outside our community (it's hilly here and we didn't want to have her drive up to our house ... plus I thought we'd invite her to lunch after the nuptials). Turns out the restaurant was closed, so we sat in the car, she said the things, we said the things, and it was done. We drove to a Vietnamese restaurant and had lunch, came home, and I went back to work. My colleagues I think still don't believe that's what we did, but like I keep telling folks, this wasn't a first time at the rodeo for either one of us.

My mom's health is continuing to change and so it's nice being closer to her (just about 7 hours by car instead of a day by plane), such as that is. Another kind of grief all together ...

Anyway, I am sad and glad the site is still here. I have a couple of people in my life that I'm telling to come here. I am happy to see some of the gang getting hitched and such as well. 

Thank you for being here, even though none of us asked for it. You don't know how much you all mean to me ...

Fast forward and I have met a widower and we have been dating. I have tried to be cautious because he is just approaching the one year anniversary of his wife’s passing. I want to be sure he’s not turning to me to escape dealing with his grief. So far we have been able to have some  wry open and emotional conversations around his grief and we seem to be able to pivot back and forth from me being a friend/grief support to a romantic partner often in the same conversation.  He seems very open and healthy in his expression of his grief and sharing about his loving marriage. It’s also nice for me to be able to talk about Tim, some of the challenges my boys and I have faced and the successes they are having now. 
I continue to feel cautious about his timeline but when we are together it’s difficult to hold back opening my heart to him and his to me.  I also question my own judgment because of the failed marriage. Yes I’m in a very different place now but it is  very soon after my divorce. 
No one in my close circle understands the mind and heart of a widow. It’s hard to explain that being with someone who can speak so lovingly about his late wife makes me feel safe and secure about the type of man he is. 
Thanks for listening and sharing any insights. 

For the past several months I've been in a great discussion topic here on budding relationships -- the NG (new guy/new girl) thing is past the initial get to know you but hasn't reached a place of comfort enough to necessarily be what we'd call a full on relationship. Or something  ;D

Personally, I am sneaking up on two years with my NG (God willing it will be two years on Memorial Day 2018) and in December we got to a place of identifying as boyfriend and girlfriend. These are deeper waters for me for sure, having been married twice and widowed twice but not having much of a dating history (if you visit some of my other posts, more on that out there so I won't bore you here!).

What is this space like in the relationship? What does 'fully committed' mean at this stage? I suppose it is different for all of us, where some expect marriage while others tick the fully committed box at moving in together, or even earlier?

Rambling perhaps but I'm trying to learn to swim and appreciate each of you for your insight  :-*

My kids are now 18, 16, and 14. My mom lives across the street and has been very involved with my kids for the past 6 years. Like co-parenting.

Now, I have a first boyfriend after 12 years. The relationship is new a very intense. I think this might become something really, really good. We text constantly though the day, every day for the past three months. We get to see each other usually once a week for 24 hours because of complicated logistics. 

Now, my mother is very upset. When I went back to work, she promised how she would take care of my household and help with everything. Occasionally, she comes to wash dishes.

Same with the boyfriend. She said how I should have fun and enjoy it. When I do, she is very upset, saying that I need to be home with my kids. Mind that I see him once a week, usually from Saturday noon to Sunday noon. Otherwise, I am at home almost every evening, occasionally, I go to a gym after work (like once week). This weekend, we are finally spending more time together - from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon and I am thrilled. My mother is furious and stopped talking to me 😕

So my question to you is - is my mother overreacting or am I being selfish? Seeing someone I really like once a week is not too much but on the other hand, it is true that I have not spend a full weekend with my kids for the past three months. When I ask my kids, they are mostly OK with it since they see I am really happy. 

Is it normal? Should I see a psychologist? Is he not the right guy? Will I love my husband forever and nobody else? I am really confused why I feel this way.

When she would talk about being with several other guys over the years (not a scary number, probably pretty normal number for someone her age who was never in long-term relationships), I would find myself visualizing her with other guys and feel upset about this.  I asked her not to talk about this with me anymore. I was married since I was 27 and was faithfully with my wife for almost twenty years.  I know she has been with more partners than I have, and understand our histories and situations were different.

We left supper last night and were going to go to a trivia night at a local pub, when she says " Just so you know in advance, I slept with the guy who does the trivia night a couple of times."  I got that same feeling of being upset and picturing her with someone else.  I got very quiet and we didn't go to trivia.  We had a shitty night after that, with her accusing me of making her feel guilty for being with other guys when she was single even though she has to look at pictures in my house that are still up of my wife and I.  I tried to explain it is my issue and I don't want to feel this way and I understand she did nothing wrong or immoral. I told her that I totally trust her (we still live apart), which I do, and while I appreciate her being upfront with me about the trivia dude, I'd really rather not know anymore about other people she's been with, as it has no impact on our relationship and is in the past. I also let her know I'm fine with talking about past relationship issues with her ex-common law partner.  Any suggestions on better ways to deal with this for me?  Thanks, Paul

Our relationship is solid, even through its not progressing. I am perfectly fine with it. 

However, his 25 year old (unemployed and drug addicted) son is expecting his first child end of May. NG is excited and wants me to be there when the baby is born. (along with his family, his psycho ex wife and her new sugar daddy_)-

I don't want to go. I know he's my boyfriend and we are there for each other. However, since we aren't progressing into marriage/living together any time soon..WHy should I have to? I just don't agree with the whole circumstances of how this irresponsible young adult has brought onto himself. Him and girlfriend are living with his ex wifes parents in a room. It's just hard to genuinely be happy for them. 

Am I just a bitch? It's ok to say "yes"..maybe I need to hear it. Just not sure the "obligations" of a long term steady..

I mean, I'm not mad about it. I don't think 'why me?' It is just Life and I can't control it.  It will be fine, no matter what.  Everyone with cancer has a 50/50 chance, honestly. I control nothing so I accept everything. As best I can. Widowhood has made me into something of a fatalist.

It is a different experience this time- I don’t feel like Superwoman getting ready to vanquish the enemy, I am not lighting candles and saying prayers. I am not obsessing on what he eats. I appear pretty calm, until I examine what is going on in the pit of my stomach- it is a ball of anxiety and pain I try not to poke too hard. But I have noticed while driving alone I’ll sometimes just start crying. And I got pretty teary-eyed at the grocery store yesterday. Plus, this experience has been so emotionally exhausting my insomnia hasn’t been as much of a problem lately. My concentration is for shit, though. 

So, here we go. None of us truly knows how much time we are going to get together anyway.

Thanks for your input and support with my first post LH relationship. Although it did not end how I wanted, I read through my posts here and your responses, and I know it is/was the right thing to end it and move forward. It was not easy but honestly, nothing like the level of losing my mate of 28 yrs. You gave me support, some straight up advice or critical observations I needed to read.  I am now 4 months out of that relationship and can say it is getting easier. I am letting go and becoming neutral to him, what I have hoped and prayed for. It was not healthy. Crazy how you can lose yourself, but thankfully, I was never truly lost forever.  Just had to be reminded of who I am.  On the eve eve of my sadiversary, I am thankful for my life with LH and stronger with the trials. 

Lots of love to my  cyber community.

PS. I do have IRL friends, and they are right there with you in the observations and support, now. 

So, guy of 3.5 yrs. dumped me 3 months. Never has contacted me once. I did all the texting and emailing to return things. I sent a couple memes here and there I felt relevant.  I let him know me and my kid were going to be just fine.  The widow and the fatherless kid will be just fine. He got all he wanted. He got his kids 50/50 and his dream job. Bumper year for him. 

Well, he ends up behind me in traffic. Kind of runs up on me to get the light. I am clueless as it was Christmas parade traffic. He texts immediately he was sorry and didn't know my car until right up there.  Okay, I wasn't paying attention due to traffic.  I text him back later he seems to be off as I do see his posts on the Father's rights page. Nope he is fine and then he texts he misses me.  He had twice stated this before, and I ignored it. I finally stated he made the right call to take care of his kids and me to do so with mine.  Polite for him to state that.  WTH! 

So, a couple more texts by accident on my end. I block his information so it does not occur as he keeps responding  with more though I apologize. I finally make a snarky comment and no response.  Blocked more access I have to him.  So, he sends me a Christmas card. A lovely pic of him with his children with their names.  Why? Why?  

2020 cannot get here soon enough.  New year.  8 yrs. widowed in Jan.  New life again.

Last September, I got remarried.  This September, we moved to a lovely house in the neighboring town.  A week ago today, my daughter and I moved back into my still-empty house.

It sucks.  I feel like a failure, even as I appreciate the peace we have now.

Some background - in August, we got my kids moved into dorms at the same in-state college a few hours away.  One is still there, the other lasted one night and said "I can't do this, I have to withdraw."  So we moved with her.  The dreams of making love in every room in the house being dashed was the least of it.  Instead of a new start and cooperation, we fought more and more often.  A fight last Monday was about how we should approach the next counseling appointment.  And my daughter's relationship with her went from "needs improvement" to "five-alarms".

She has some stuff going on.  The book "How We Love" has a quiz that tags her as a "vacillator" - I'm her Prince Charming until I disappoint or poke her feelings of inadequacy, at which point I'm demonized.  I've sat through eviscerations that rocked me, and dealt with double-standards where every statement I made can be examined but hers are not open to the same, and gotten to know how long and detailed her list of resentments are.  Nobody who's met her would believe it.  And guess what, I'm no angel, either - I hate some of what I said and did.  I got out to save my sanity, since we were 10x better at creating new issues than solving any of them.  I didn't know I could pack up my stuff in two and a half days.

I should have has us get counseling going six months ago.  I should have broken out my favorite "Couple Skills" books around that time, too.  We should have been doing checkins to avoid letting resentments pile up.  I should have lead more as we tried to react to my daughter being with us.  I wanted my reactions to be more measured without being a doormat, but I could not do that fast enough as things got worse.  Lots to reflect on.

Not for the faint of heart, this.  I am, for the moment, much better off alone than in that situation, even through the holiday season.  We may do further work, it's hard to say and I don't need to make that decision yet.  For now, we need time.

I'll take prayers if you got 'em.

Take care,

Rob T

Widowed 6.5 yrs I'm 3 years into a new relationship, just retired and have 2 sons 21 and 23 , one in university one just finished but not yet fully employed. 

Apparently I'm not good at blending my two worlds. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive or too soft on my kids but I will not force their situation to change because of where I am with my guy. They are supportive of my relationship but the younger one(who has mental health issues) is more verbal about not wanting his life to change. In otherwords if my kids were younger  I'd  move forward and work on blending as my BF is very welcoming of my kids(maybe doesn't understand exactly what they need/like) but is very accepting. If they were older I'd say you're on your own and move forward.

But they are kinda in between so for now I live 4 to 5 days with my BF and head back to check on my boys and my house( and  my cat) the other days of the week. About half the time BF comes with me to my house. It is a weird balance, 

I'm trying to settle into this routine but I find myself second guessing if this is the right way to handle this.

So anybody got any insight or experience with this or heck just an opinion on whether this sounds sane or insane...all input is appreciated.

The End

Now its been 6 yrs, 7 month ago I got married to an amazing (!!) guy and at the beginning it was a bliss! all the clouds have gone away.

But something in me just won't let me rest. I have an history of anxiety and the last 7 months are a mixture of happiness and fear and panic attack and crying.

Thing is all the weak points my new hubby has causing me anxiety. Thoughts like: my DH never did this, How would I deal with it?! I can't, why do I have to? I was happy before 

I am in therapy but I feel like no one gets me. My husband is so caring, he listen to me, he tries so hard, he is amazing with the kids and I feel like such a horrible person

criticizing and getting anxiety whenever he acts on his weak points (and I know his weak points aren't the problem here because I keep changing them - once this bother me, next

day it's fine and it's something else) . I got from another widow that it is  something that happens, but is that really true?

If I accept that that's how things are, that there will always be pain will it get better? 

please help

Here I am, finally… and feeling alive again turns mostly… hurtful

I came here 3 years ago after loosing my love life suddenly. Here I met … wonderful Tonfinoman and had to greive him without being able to met him… fucking cancer.

But recently I finally met a wonderful guy online. we joined each other in Paris after 10 days of messaging and long phone calls. we’ve been seeing each other each week for whole week-ends. he was feeling very emotional at some point…. he made surprinsingly great projects… short-time and kinda long-term.

even came to my hometown and met my closed friends ….

I went to Paris again  seven days ago. he asked me to book train tickets to go with him at a painting class next month.

Last week end appart he called me for hours and too days after told me he was fearing that is feelings will not grow enough in the future… and that he didn’t want to hurt me …

I told him he is probably questionning himself too much and too soon and he agreed to have a second thought about us. he said he would call me the day after. he didn’t and ingored my calls (although he has got some of my stuff in his flat and should be worrying about expensive train tickets I will never use…)

He thought we were so connected…..and now  I don’t what to do. he is special to me and after loosing my bear, it is easy for me to know what I want because I know the value of each little happy moment….

today I feel like life is just hurtfull… forever… whatever I do to move forward…

Sorry I am not here to give some hope today.

Sandrine

Since then, she delivered her baby, met a great guy, remarried and this morning had child number four. Beautiful little girl.

Mom, Dad and baby are all doing fine. 😊

She is just over the moon. Life is beautiful.

Mike

I have always been extremely independent.  Like......extremely.  I am the one everyone goes to, I am the one everyone depends on - and really, I've been the doormat.  

After growing up in a family that didn't communicate well, I attended some counseling and had a lot of couples counseling with DH early in our marriage.

One of the things that the therapist really felt strongly about was the idea that people don't make you feel things - you choose how you feel.  And you can choose your response to a situation.  

I get that.  It's the idea that "you made me feel...." is not necessarily fair, but instead, say "when you....., I feel...." and own your response....

But it has lead me to internalize a lot.  I got to the point with DH that I just owned everything and never expressed anything.  

So.....  the other night, I knew NG had had a very long day... said he was going to take a shower and then come over.  He took a shower, and fell asleep.  Called near midnight and apologized.  

So, rational me says... he was asleep, what's he to do?  He can't call me and tell me he's asleep.... and I knew he was exhausted. 

But emotional/hormonal/irrational me was worried sick, and then pissed off, and then felt hurt and disregarded and unimportant and insecure.  And then I started to wonder if he was really at home asleep, or if he had something else going on (which is totally out of bounds and I have no reason to not trust) but I started to distrust....  (A woman's brain is an incredible piece of work.....) 

So, he called at about midnight and apologized and explained..... and I told him I understood.  I only shared the rational thoughts with him.... but kept the rest to myself.  

And now I'm still hurt and frustrated, but isn't that my problem?  Not his?   I mean, why make an issue of it for him if he simply fell asleep?......  Aren't my feelings my problem?  

I'm so excited and wanted to share my news with you guys... I got engaged last week!   I am truly happy and want to married my NG.  I am ready to take this step into our next chapter and I am also happy my kids are okay and onboard with this as well.  I should be ecstatic, right?  But ever since the proposal I also feel super guilty again, like when I first started dating or began to have happy days.  I feel like I am about to committee the ultimate betrayal to my LH and it's weighing on me .     

Any thoughts?