TornApart

I'm so sorry. Just opens the wound again. My husband's cat and my cat kept me alive through the first two years. His cat died at 2 years out, once he had got my through. Lost the final member of our family just before the 5 year mark. So many things I shared and loved with him are gone now. My furbabies were the worst, of course, but I also have weird moments where I feel sentimental about throwing out a towel or something random because it was from our time together. 

Yeah. Strange feeling to know that there are photos of you at their family functions when you were 'one of them'. But, I have decided to feel liberated by it instead. I married him. I wanted him. Everything else is / was secondary, and was just part of him. So it has gone with him. And honestly, there was a lot of toxic baggage there, so better off without it. But does cut your anchor tying you to your old life. 

It's hard work. It's hard to keep going some days. But the practice makes it easier after a while. For me, anyway. I still feel lost occasionally after more than 5 years. But less and less. Hope it gets easier for you too. Feel proud of how hard you have worked to survive. 

So glad you decided to do it. Took my 18 months to go against all the advice of my family and friends (all people that hadn't lost their partner) and take 3 months off. Best thing I ever did. Go with your gut instinct. Listen to your inner voice.

We get it. We are here for you - we know. Wish we didn't all know this pain. 

Wheelerswife's advice is 100% right - the firefighters and the builders. And Mike's advice about 'be gentle with yourself'.

At the time I got so angry and resentful. The people saying these things could go home and cry in their lover's arms if they felt sad. But the one person that had my back and the only person that could make me feel better... he was gone forever. 

At 11 weeks out, one of my family members asked "aren't you over it yet?" Breathtaking. I hid my pain from then on because even the people that loved me most could say such cruel, thoughtless things that actually made me feel worse and more alone. My 'best friend' disappeared after a few weeks because 'the pain is too much'. His best man promised at his deathbed to take care of me for him... never saw him again after the funeral. Abandonment is hard. 

Hiding my pain, pretending in front of the people that I should have been able to be honest in front of... I didn't handle it well, or with grace. 

So, my lesson, which I hope helps... forgive yourself. Don't hide how you are feeling for the comfort of others. Other people that knew him are also going through their own pain. You are in such raw pain that every single thing will hurt - even things said or done with the best of intentions. You are surviving the most horrendous time of your life. Do what you need to survive, including stepping away from people that are not helpful in your survival right now. They will still be there later if they are the right people. Your contacts list and address book changes. People will leave your life, but others will step up or come into it. Your mind and body will find all kinds of ways to try and cope with the unbearable pain - including converting it into anger or depression or passivity. You can survive this alone. You will come out stronger and more compassionate and more appreciative of what really matters in life. 

I'm sorry for your pain. 

The things people say. I can roll my eyes now, but back when it was raw 5 years ago... so much easier not to be around anyone because of the unbearable platitudes. Now I am just happy for them that they haven't been through it so don't have a clue. They mean well. They just have no idea. I wish I still had no idea of the pain. I wish you didn't. 

I can't decide if I preferred the people that said silly but well-meaning things, or the people that just disappeared because they didn't know how to deal. 

Bumping because this letter is so helpful

What an a-grade b*tch. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for controlling yourself and maintaining your dignity. Out-laws... i basically divorced them and that's when i started healing. But to be fair, my MIL has been beautiful to me, if a bit clueless and torn because her children attacked her for supporting me.

Sorry you are coping with that hideousness on top of it all.

Thanks all. It does help to be able to reach out on this forum. You all know how hard it is to keep going and wear 'the face' in public when it is taking all your strength just to get out of bed. You are right - most people assume we are 'over it' by a certain point.

Today would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. We got in 5 anniversaries before he died.

No one remembered. Not bitter. Just wanted to acknowledge it somewhere. Not a FB post where everyone reacts with 😢. Just somewhere where the people that read it get it. I'm ok.

Me too. Talk to grocer. Go to pilates and be an invisible participant. Drift through the weekend

Me too. Feel like i went through this whole realisation / awakening after years of grief and now I am back to how I was before he died, just alone. Work,  chores, sleep, repeat.

Oh wow. Hadn't realised this. True. Spins my head.

Have always wondered why i had never dreamed of him. Finally. Only a few seconds, but every angle of his face, the look in his eyes, his shape. Wow.

I am a widow. I recognize you as a widow. You are feeling all the same feelings of loss and grief as I did. For me, it is not the legal definition, but the emotional experience.

Realised the other day that on my wedding anniversary this year, I would have been widowed longer than  we were married. 5 years.

Funny how the littlest thoughts can knock you to your knees.

Admitted to a friend that I had cried from the depths of my soul... her reaction? "Still?"

Yes. Still. In 10 years, still. 20 years, still. 50, still. I know now that it will never not hurt.

About a year. I kept his wedding ring on a chain for about a month and then I had the gold and diamond recrafted into an eternity ring. I wore them both on my wedding ring finger until a while after the sadiversary, and then moved them to my right hand where they still are over four years later. But I swapped them back and forth between hands for months. I wasn't ready to not be a wife. It caused me great anxiety - I wanted everyone to know that I was loved. I wanted the reminder that I was loved. My engagement ring fitted onto my middle finger so it lives there.

Hi DragonTears, thanks for checking in and saying something. Life is bitch sometimes, and it sounds like it is hitting you hard. Regular losses just make it harder and harder to recover. Like when your body's immunity is down. Feeling for you.

I am so glad you were there for your neighbour and for Bob - so that his wish for a DNR was honoured. But what a difficult time for you. I don't know how I would have coped. I still flash back to his last heart beats. His last one. I don't want to feel that moment in someone again. Thinking of you.

Car - zippy and fast.

Plain walls or feature walls

Give him the chance to soar - then see what his choice is. The wind will take him where he is meant to be.

I cooked myself dinner. Yes, I know that isn't a big achievement, but it took everything I had left the other day. I remembered how shattered I was back at the beginning and how all the Chapter 2 widdas counselled me to take one step at the time. Back then even getting  out of bed and getting dressed was all I was capable of.

I was almost as exhausted this week, and how the loneliness and apathy came back to me. A shitty, shitty week after a month of not sleeping properly even after prescription sleeping tablets, not having time to eat, and coming back to an empty house with no one to hold me, listen, cook me dinner and just take the load for a bit... took me back. It surprised me, to be honest, at over 4 years out. I thought I was so tough and independent. I've got it together. I've moved on.

But it was a reminder to still be gentle on myself. To realise that this grief will never quite be gone. A revelation that I am lonely underneath my busy, purpose-filled life. That I still have to take the time to take care of myself and not run myself into the ground. To give myself a break.

So I cooked myself a healthy dinner. Sometimes you just have to give yourself credit for the littlest things. And put off the huge scary things like finding a new partner to share the highs and lows with.

Sending thoughts to all of you that are 'beyond active grieving' but still struggling to cook dinner for yourselves. Because it is still freaking hard some days.

Over 4 years out... I still think of it. But less. I think the numbness really started wearing off at 3 months and then the next few months was a real struggle. It did get better. Life is better now. I know it must feel surreal to you right now. The bad bits can stay at the forefront of your mind. In a strange way, the happy memories are harder and more painful. The hard memories need to be dealt with to give you some peace. I think hachi and Trying are right that some therapy might be useful to help you with those painful memories. I had to get some specialised therapy to help me with some thoughts, and it sounds like what you are dealing with might be even more confronting. I found it helpful to book appointments when I knew that I would deal with the really confronting thoughts, so that gave me permission to not deal with those thoughts until then and helped those thoughts wait until their allocated time. Then I wanted to avoid the appointments to avoid the thoughts, but I made myself do them.

Thinking of you. This is not easy. But you will get through, and you will be stronger.

Yes. Over 4 years out. The grief still comes. I often think I can't even recall how deep the grief was back at the beginning and then I am immersed in pain again. I know the pain isn't anywhere near the scale of back then but it reminds me. Just every few months. Deep, wracking grief to my core. A friend that was with me on Saturday, a new friend that didn't see me during that time, was so surprised that it was still affecting me. I am so much in control of my new life and look like I am owning it all, but it doesn't mean I am not scarred. We all get so practiced at hiding it, that people can't even conceive that we might still be feeling it. Last week my anxiety swamped me. After over a month of insomnia. I guess that I am surprised how anxious I still get, even though I know I have actively worked with my grief and pain to the point that I thought the general stresses of life couldn't affect me any longer. But they can. The grief is etched so eternally in my soul that it will never be completely erased. But now that I write that, I realise I actually never want it to completely disappeared. I don't want the pain to ever fully go away, because it is an aspect of my love for him. I want him to always be with me, so if that means I have to deal with my grief every few months, I can bear that. I don't ever want to forget. I don't enjoy the pain, but it has so much meaning for me.

So, sorry for the rambling Trying, but yes, at over 4 years out, I still need to actively deal with the grief. Even after some serious hard yards and therapy. And when I get into it, I remember how important it is to truly face the grief and experience the pain. It took me 18 months to really confront the pain and let it flow over me, and I wish I had done it sooner back then. Now I find I have to remind myself how important it is and how much faster it goes when I just face it and don't try to hide from it.

Thank you for your post - I have obviously been dealing with the same things lately.