Adventureland

I read the preliminary accident report from my husband’s accident soon after his death and that was quite bad enough. I don’t think I could take a more detailed report with photos.

My husband died while we were in the middle of moving to a new home, so I'm keeping on with the renovations we had planned--two baths so far and a kitchen coming up. He had been in favor of redoing the kitchen before we moved in; I thought we should live with the space for awhile before deciding what to do with the kitchen. While we were talking about it, he said, "I don't want to live through another kitchen renovation." That will always stick with me.

It's been a little over six months now since my husband walked out the door one night and never came home. Lately I've been having dreams that it was somehow a mistake and he's really still alive. I still have trouble believing this is real.

I've been waking up Around 3:00 am and am unable to get back to sleep. Then, after a few days of sleep deprivation, I'll crash early in the evening and get  nine or ten hours. I've started taking Zoloft, which hasn't helped my sleep any or made me any less depressed.

I'm at almost four months out and must admit I've been missing sex lately. I met my husband very young, so never really had another serious relationship, so don't think I'd be at all comfortable with anyone else.

My husband died in an accident three months ago. I still can't process it.

Do they help? I've started taking Zoloft on the recommendation of my therapist who said I was starting to circle a black hole.

I think we all regret. I regret that he went out that night. I regret the grandchildren he will never meet. I regret that he will never get to retire. I regret that trip to Paris we will never take. So much.

I haven't baked cookies, sent cards, or really much of anything this year. Just can't do it.

Eleven weeks ago tonight, my husband put on a suit and left to go out to a business dinner.

He never came back. And I have aged a hundred years.

I find that I'm obsessing about the accident. If we had done anything--ANYTHING--differently that day, the timing would have been different and the tractor trailer that crossed the median wouldn't have hit his driver's side door with such pinpoint accuracy. I keep reliving that day, imagining what I could have differently.