Silverfish

Anyone else do this? Literally the day after the funeral I dove head first into the "curly girl method." Which is a way of nurturing your naturally curly hair. There are tons of rules and experimenting with products and it can take forever if you let it. It's been good for my soul a little. 

I always had what I called "Hermione hair" (from Harry Potter), and I never knew it could look this nice. The fact that I can wear my hair down every day and it looks nice has been wonderful. But having something to do in the loooong hours between when my kids go to bed and I do has been the real benefit. Am I the only crazy one?

On 12/27/2018 at 1:41 AM, anniegirl said:

I am sorry for your loss. I understand why it's hard for you to relate to recently widowed folks. I couldn't either.

Even though we lose our spouses bit by bit over time, the actual physical loss with their passing still goes off like a bomb in our lives and it's unsettling because hurts, you miss them, and yet it doesn't seem the same as other people's and you feel like you don't fit. Or you are doing "it" wrong.
 

 

Yes. Its honestly affecting me more than I thought. New Year's Eve especially was a day of tears just spilling over. Our relationship really started on New Year's Eve 2003. The thought of starting a whole new year without him in it, no memories with him in 2019, is so depressing. 😓
 

On 12/27/2018 at 9:51 AM, Bunny said:

I’ve been thinking about this thread lately, and Silverfish- your words speak to me so perfectly right now. I’ve been widowed 6 1/2 years and my bf’s dad just became widowed around Thanksgiving. He had been a caregiver for a decade, to a wife he slowly lost to Alzheimer’s. I definitely see that he experienced a lot of anticipatory grief and though he is certainly grieving, it seems a much different experience than my own. I try to be there for him, but not really sure how even though I feel, as a widow, I should ‘know’.
 

Caregiving can sometimes have an added layer of guilt to work through, I think. I certainly went through a period of remembering/fixating on my less than perfect caretaker skills. I’m totally at peace with that now. We all did the best we could. 

 

Yes, one thing I am really seeing is that based on your personality, your relationship, and the nature of your loss, everyone grieves totally differently. I do feel some guilt for any time I was less than patient, but I really, really did try my best. 
 

On 12/31/2018 at 12:02 PM, twin_mom said:

Silverfish- anything you are feeling with the loss of your love is okay, there is no "normal" contrary to what society tells us.   For me, finally being able to miss him was at war with being relieved that the journey of watching him decline into a person I barely recognized. 

It is so hard to lose them before you actually lose them. 
 

23 hours ago, Toosoon2.0 said:

Silverfish - I am going to guess our husbands had the same diagnosis - GBM?  Everything you said in your post is eerily familiar to me.  My husband was gone long before he died.  In some ways he died the day they cut open his brain and took away his personality.  He died over and over again over the 2 years we lived with this disease through both the physical and psychological shifts from the tumors and all of the different medications treatments.  For two years, I woke each day not knowing which Scott my husband was going to be and with the 100% terminal diagnosis and 6 month prognosis, I woke for two years every day thinking, "Is today going to be the day?"  I kept it all up outwardly but inwardly I was grieving the whole time.  For him, for our daughter, for me.  This grieving while he was still alive traumatized me with guilt while it was happening and it did not diminish my grief and panic once he was gone, even though those two years were terrorizing and even if I had been grieving all along.  Its like the grief double whammy.  Things are better now, nearly 6 years later, but I will never be the same again.  Time has been my friend in this regard but sudden changes of any kind still throw me, and anything that feels like loss brings up in me a primordial and irrational panic and anxiety, both emotional and physiological.  While therapists and doctors swear I did not and do not have PTSD, sometimes I have to wonder.  I wish you peace and if you ever want to reach out, please feel free to pm me.

Yes, he was diagnosed GBM. Yes, that sounds so familiar. I have cried and cried and cried through the years. But I wasn't really allowed to share that with many people. It all had to be kept down. 

Does anyone else feel so traumatized by long-term caregiving that you don't think you could ever risk it again? I have no intentions of dating again anyway, especially because I have young children, but I don't think I could if I wanted too. We took our marriage vows very seriously, and lived them all. Richer or poorer, sickness and in health, until death do you part. They are HEAVY. I don't think I would survive that again.  

I see that this forum has not been posted in in some time, but it still comforted me to read this thread. Even reading amongst other widows and grieving people I do not relate. 

My husband was practically perfect. We had what I considered a fairy-tale marriage, I loved him more every day. Then when I was 41.5 weeks pregnant with our second child, he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Not just probably terminal - but 100% terminal. He was 30 and I was 29. We had been together for 10 years and had the happiest little life. 

6 weeks later when we found out it was already more advanced than the doctors had suspected, THAT was when I fully grieved. The not wanting to eat, only staying in motion for the kids, tears could cover the earth, grieving. But I had a 6 week old and a 4 year old and had to keep moving. During that brain surgery, my incredible, amazing husband suffered a stroke which left him physically affected, but, more devastatingly, different as a person from the man I married. He was still a good and loving man, but his executive function was pretty well gone. All his very best traits, the things that made him above all others to me - were gone. His selflessness, what a hard worker he was, his habit of being attentive and observant...all gone in an instant. I did not accept that these changes were permanent until a year after the stroke, and that is when things became so hard for me as a caregiver. He was still working, but every aspect of his life was managed by me. He went from being a heavy hitter with the cleaning and laundry to doing nothing, ever. He was capable of a lot still, but the motivation, logic and follow through were gone. It was so hard for me sometimes to stay kind, to stay loving. I knew it was what he deserved from me because this was not his fault, but it was so HARD. I am the homeschooling mom of two, but the ability to go out and get a job and plan for the future did not exist. He could not drive anymore and the appointments, appointments, appointments, surgeries, surgeries, on top of getting him to and from work every day meant that all I could do was wait and hope things would shake out OK in the end and the kids and I would not end up destitute. 

You usually have a year with his diagnosis. He was an extreme outlier - he survived for 5. I did my best during this time to create memories for the kids. It absolutely kills me that I picked the best father in the whole word for them and my daughter already doesn't remember who he was before the stroke and my son never even got to know him as he was. Five divorces between my two parents and we created a stable, loving, healthy marriage that my children won't get the benefit of having modeled. I wanted our son to grow up just like his dad. Who will teach him? 

But yes, anticipatory grief is a very real thing, at least for some. I do not relate to any of the new widow posts. I felt all those feelings 4 years ago - I lost my husband in pieces along the way. I have grieved for so long for the man I lost. It is still harder than I thought it would be right now. (He passed on the 4th, the day before his 36th birthday.) I'm getting gut punches of agony here and there that I really was not expecting. The nights once my children are in bed are the worst. 

The last 5 years I have had to keep it down tight. I have been mourning my husband but I wasn't allowed. Because he was still here and seemed the same to others and he was fighting the hard fight. I just had to be the doting cancer spouse. But my heart was screaming, "He is gone! He is gone!" I missed him so much but I was not allowed to say it. I think some of that is bubbling up. Being allowed to miss the man I married, finally.