Widower40

That's great Mike.  Congratulations. 

So I went on the second date with her.  Had a late lunch, walked around and had a coffee.   Conversation went great and we have very similar tastes and approach to life.

We both said we had a great time and wanted to meet again.  In fact, this morning she asked me out.  

Everything feels different though from when I fell in love with my wife.  Granted that was when I was 19 and now I am 40.  But I don't have that "feeling" yet.   More thinking it rather than feeling it. 

Question:. For those that have found love again.  Did it feel different?  Did it take longer to get that feeling?

Thanks

Think of your life like a business.  Anything you are not good at or want to do...outsource it.  

20 hours ago, Bubu27 said:

Thank you @Widower40. I know that had Ken survived, he would have had his feet/ legs amputated, he could be brain damaged and his life would have been hell. That's what sepsis would do to him and that's what I try to think about when my grief gets unbearable. In this respect, I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer but it doesn't change the fact that my life without him is hell.

Thank you for what you said though, it made me stop and think 

I got that perspective from the book "Man's Search for Meaning." By Viktor Frankl.  There are examples of how even through the worst circumstances, people find meaning in life.  If you have the time I recommend you read it.

4 hours ago, Bubu27 said:

@Widower40 I don't know what would be. All I know is that I would have preferred to go first. 

In my case, I know my wife would have handled things a lot worse.  She would be inconsolable.  In that way, my suffering prevented her from suffering.  In that way, I have accepted her loss.

Perhaps you too may one day feel that by going through the pain is the way you will honor him.

On 6/6/2019 at 11:43 AM, Bubu27 said:

I can only admire people, like you, who are strong enough to carry on. I too carry on as I have no choice but it doesn't change the fact that the more time passes, the less energy and will to carry on I have. 

 

I am really happy for you to be able to understand and accept your late husband is not coming back but I don't understand and certainly don't accept the fact that my Ken is gone. I know that's the reality but I will never be OK with it. And this is my right not to accept it. Whether it is setting myself up for failure or not, it doesn't matter. My life finished 3.5 years ago.

One question to ask yourself is what would have happened if you died instead?  How would Ken feel?  What would his life be?

For some reason, I am only able to relate or connect with women a little older than me online.  I'm 40 and I am currently chatting well with a 42, 44 and 46 year old.  All have children, 2 separated one windowed.  I found many of the women less than 40 want children of their own and want someone that is 6 feet plus 😀.  I'm only 5'8" lol

We have been texting on and off for a weeks.  Yesterday, she suggested we meet up for a drink.  Hopefully I can schedule something in the next couple weeks.

There were a couple other women I met online and planning on meeting up for a coffee...the hardest part is finding any time.

Good one

Last week was hard. I was away from home for a few days and of course Mother's Day was really hard.  I'm glad though this week is better.

On 4/30/2019 at 9:06 PM, faye said:

I briefly had a FWB relationship. I was growing attached to him, and realized I wouldn't give a new partner a real shot unless I ended it with him. There were differences that would have made a long term relationship impossible, so I ended it.  Of course, we couldn't be friends in the same way as before the benefits started, so we rarely communicate now.

Good perspective.  We only became close after my wife's passing.  Before that we would meet only a few times a year.

On 4/30/2019 at 5:08 PM, MikeR said:

Widower40,

 

Such a charged, complicated, emotional topic. My thought is that you and the lady should discuss it in depth before either of you act on it. If you both enter the relationship (and, yes, it IS a relationship) knowing what the other thinks and expects, it will help to minimize the potential for a bad outcome.

 

Mike

I agree.  We both talked about it..but I think it is good to always talk through it.

Yesterday was 4 months.  I didn't feel as sad as I thought I would.  I actually felt good for most of the day and cried a couple of times after I cleaned up my table and saw the receipt for the medication we bought just before she died.  

Definitely more optimistic than I was two months ago

So my wife's best friend has been helping me go through the grieving process.  She always checks in to see how I am doing and we see each other every week or two.  Over the past few weeks we have been getting more intimate.  We haven't had sex yet, but may go there soon.

I'm not looking for a relationship now, more just some fun.  We both seem to be ok with it.  Anyone else gone through this? 

I don't plan on getting into any serious relationship for a while.

Right now not looking for a relationship but more something casual or FWB.  I'm about 3.5 months out and miss the company and physical connection.

I had my first date with someone new today. (I'm just over 3 months out).  We met for coffee and had a good conversation.  Still just getting out there and not ready for anything serious.

We both texted after that we wanted to meet again.    Taking it a step at a time with no expectations.

Sorry for your loss.  Sounds like you have a supportive family.  That made a huge difference for me.  I lost my wife 3 months ago.  First month was shock ,, second and third I felt it really hard.  In the last couple weeks I've been feeling better and more optimistic about the future.  The kids are doing a bit better as well. 

Take it moment by moment.

On 3/28/2019 at 4:26 PM, laurie27 said:

I am finding it getting harder not easier. I find that I am crying a lot easier and more often. I am still trying to get out everyday. I am in the process of finding a church that I am comfortable with, it also helps. I think what is happening is the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in. Thank you for answering me. I come here almost every day, but as you can see I don't usually comment.

Yes, after the 1 month mark it got worse for me.  The worst was 2 months out.  I feel better now and more optimistic.  I cry about 3 times a day, at the worst it would be 15 or more...many times at work.  Keep a positive outlook, it gets better.

I find that some parts of the day I can't control how I cry.   Other times I feel happy and optimistic for life.  By nature I have always been a realistic optimist.  At work I develop 3-5 year strategic plans, so looking forward is always something I will do.

I sometimes force triggers... watching a video of her or looking at pictures of her or listen to certain songs.  Those invariably make cry right now.   Should I continue to force triggers or should I let grief come to me?  

Anyone else go back and forward between grieving and then thinking about how will I build my life again for the future?  How can I make my kids happy? Will I be happy?  Will I ever be in another happy marriage?

Today it is exactly 8 weeks since it happened.  I cried more today than any day prior.

Thanks PaulZ. So far this board has been great

3 hours ago, Sadness said:

 

 My son is in therapy and I have looked into groups for him, which will come when his therapist thinks its appropriate. 

I am planning on an in school therapist to come to my elder daughter's school.  How is the 3 year old coping?  Mine I think is only starting to realize that mommy isn't coming back.

Thanks Julester3.  Good advice

21 minutes ago, Portside said:

 

What was my choice? To crab and kvetch about my lot in life? Nah, not for me. 

 

I'm 12 years out or so - the kids have all grown into well-adjusted, decent, productive young men. Of all the things I worried about at first, how this event would affect the kids worried me the most. But I needn't have.  

 

Yes, I agree... I want to be happy again and most importantly my kids to be happy and grown into strong women.  That is a concern...but also having time to grieve properly so I can grow from this and live my life to the fullest.

My wife rarely talked about death, but I know she would want me to be happy