Melissa brown

Hi, I am Melissa. I too am here often but rarely post. I lost my husband 13 months ago. He died from rectal cancer at the age of 41. We have 3 children

19, 17, and 14. This board has helped me tremendously. I am grateful for you all. 

Life is so strange now. And I pray for everyone's safety. I am a nurse and can tell you that this virus is no joke. Please be safe.

Hi. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. I tell this to myself every night when I cry myself to sleep. I am so sorry you are here but I am glad you joined us. My husband was 41. He died 10 months ago. We have three children. I and all of us understand your pain and grief. This forum has helped me alot. Please please feel free to reach out to any of us. 

Julester3 said is right. Day by day. Even hour by hour. Grief comes in waves. 

Hugs to you and your children.

One step at a time. I agree the smallest things seem so big when you do not have that person here to share it with. I feel your pain, and it sucks. 

I am so sorry that you are here. Keep coming back. Im almost 10 months out and this forum has really helped me. 

Hugs.

Laurie27, that sounds like a great idea that you are having a gathering with your friends. You could easily avoid the holiday, I am impressed that you are making plans. It's my first holiday too and I personally just want it over with.

I like this

My three things are

1. I worked my 12 hr shift at the hospital

2. I successfully cooked a meal that my kids ate.

And ...

3. I only cried once. 

Come on guys...who is next???

Alma, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry this happened. I lost my husband on March 21. He was also 41. He also had cancer. Not quite 6 months without him. We were married for 18 years. And we have 3 children. It's been tough. If you ever want to talk, let me know. Also, I love the tattoo. 

Laurie, good job. Same color as my car.  Proud of you.

People do not understand, but I have encountered good people with stories that are just as heartbreaking as ours. I am grateful for those stories because it makes me feel not so alone.

Hi Lauren, thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry you are in this position and to what happened to your husband. It sounds like you are doing a great job. It also sounds like you have a great relationship with your in laws. It sounds like a tough decision, but I say to ask them. Maybe allow more time with them and your daughter to be together. Not sure how far you live from them. But they sound like they love you and your daughter very much. Good luck. Not sure I helped much but I believe I would ask.

Take care,

Melissa

Peg, honestly I cry and spend alot of time at the cemetery on hard days. I also talk to people who are close to me. And I pick up the kids and we go do something. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't .. I also come here alot to look around and I usually find something that makes me feel better. 

Grieving sucks. I never ever thought it would hurt this much. Stay strong.

Hi peg,

My husband passed from rectal cancer in march. He was 41. It's been four months and I feel worse now than I did in the beginning. I think I was in so much shock that I didnt feel the pain I do now.

So i think you are normal in feeling this way. I am glad you found this forum. It has really helped me. I dont post alot but I come just about everyday to read. It comforts me knowing I'm not alone. Although,  I wish none of us had to be here. Hugs.

Melissa

I am sorry..for both your loss and your leg. Unfortunately I know nothing about the military benefits but hope you find some answers. Only advice I have is to take it one day at a time. Its only been 3 months for me so I'm still trying to navigate my new life.

Oh I feel like a mess. Not brave. I really hate this. For all of us..

What a great idea..congrats on all these accomplishments. I am 3 months out and the biggest thing I've done since losing my husband would be buying a new car by myself. My husband always handled these kinds of things, but this time it was just me and I even managed them to go down on the price. 

On 1/19/2018 at 11:09 AM, kflex said:

 

I lost my husband, Justin, on July 19, 2017, to stage four esophageal cancer just 7 weeks after his diagnosis. He was 40, I am 42. We were married three weeks after he was diagnosed, and were married a month and two days before he passed, with me laying in the hospital bed with his arms around me. I can still hear the sounds of his fast, then slow, heartbeat, and the rattle in his lungs, in my right ear that was pressed to his chest. I get afraid when those sounds dim. It was the most horrible, painful sound, but I am the one with the distinct privilege to have that memory, and I will hold onto that forever. The details surrounding his sudden turn for the worse are too long and painful to get into in this introduction, but maybe someday. I’m positive my story is not unique.

 

This was a second marriage for us both, and between us we have 5 children, two young teens, two tweens and a little guy. We met in 2015, me coming from a 20 year relationship with an emotionally abusive ex-husband, and him from a relationship of similar length, although his ex cheated on him and that is why they split. So our stories were very different, I chose to leave after horrible abuse, and he was left for someone else. When we met we were both still going through what we coined “the divorce shakes,” but we quickly became each other’s best friend, most trusted confidant and our hearts were instantly connected. Neither of us was looking to get into another relationship (both just 6 months out of our marriages), but we know we were meant to meet, and in our two and a half years together we achieved a happiness neither of us knew was possible. We both finally knew what it meant to love completely and to be loved unconditionally. We both learned to trust again. I didn’t know a love like ours could really exist — we were told by people around us that it filled a room. And it did. It was the thing of fairytales. Finally, after years of misery with my ex, I was safe. I was protected. I was happy. I was loved unconditionally. I was put on a pedestal. We were planning our future together, remodeling my home to add more bedrooms and living space, so that each of our children would have what they deserved. Justin proposed to me on a mountain top in Colorado, in front of our very best friends, in April of 2017. We were planning a July wedding, until he got sick and just wasn’t getting better. After too many visits to the doctor and specialists to count, when he completely lost his voice and nearly the ability to swallow, his chiropractor found the huge mass pushing on his esophagus. We were determined to beat this (we knew it wasn’t curable, but it was treatable, or so we were told), and we decided to get married right away. We married in our backyard, in a beautiful, surprise ceremony for those same best friends who were with us on that mountain. I can’t say it was the best day of my life, because every day with Justin was the best day. And now he’s gone and I am lost. Completely and utterly lost.

 

I have always been the caretaker. I got my shit done and I did it well. I am educated, a professional, and my career was great. Now, as I face the 6 month anniversary of Justin’s death, I can barely work. I hate everyone, I hate everything, I have been diagnosed with severe depression, and I have tremendous guilt that I can’t yet function. I have primary custody of my three kids who loved Justin so much, and by the grace of something, I still get Justin’s kids part time. Our children bonded as quickly and preciously as Justin and I did, just another sign to us that we were meant to be. People keep telling me “but you have your kids, they need you!” And I want to scream “no shit!” but I just nod and exclaim my undying love for them. But the truth is that these children represent pain to me. And it’s a horrible thing to admit. Is this a thing or am I a terrible parent now to boot?

 

In the aftermath of Justin’s cancer and passing I have realized that a lot of Justin’s friends (who I thought were also mine) just can’t handle this. These are people I know Justin would want me to count on for help, but they have disappeared, almost as if they blame me for what happened. I am constantly being questioned, whispered about, accused of lying, second-guessed...about finances, his diagnosis, his belongings, etc. and it’s painful and exhausting. I can’t even get rid of his toothbrush for God’s sake! It’s almost as if this tragedy has fueled people’s love of drama, and it’s not helping me heal at all; it just makes me isolate further.

 

Even as I write this I can hear my best dude telling me “get your shit together!,” as he’d often tease me. I just want a fast forward button, because the constant pain and sense of failure I feel is killing me. I’m not suicidal because I am not selfish, but I understand it. I just want to be where he is.

Kflex, I just read this. Wow. It sounds like me. Same thoughts and everything. How are you doing today. I'm only two months out. 

A little over two months. I feel worse. I always cry. My son graduated high school today. What did you all do in the beginning to help the pain and grief??

Melissa

I have to agree with the fact that it's getting more and more difficult. It's been two months for me and I still cry multiple times a day. Right now, I find it hard to believe that it gets better. 

Does anyone live near me.?  I'm in Greenville, south carolina

@Newtothis I like to blab on here and know that you have support. I often too have times like that with my children. I literally feel like I have to learn to parent again. Damon handled the discipline and now that he isn't here..I have to learn to handle these situations. Not sure if it's working yet but it's a definite a work in progress. 

And @Julester3 you seem to always have good advice. So thank you.

@RyanAmysMom

I am about to watch out oldest graduate next week. And I am so dreading it. This is the one thing Damon wanted to be here for and he won't be. So I am really struggling with this. 

Hello. So here I am now ..two months and 6 days since Damon passed. And I feel worse than before. So far he has missed a prom with my oldest,  a new licensed driver and his first car for my middle one, and the goal winning point scored by my youngest in her soccer game. We have missed Easter, mothers day,  lots of end of school year events and my sons high school graduation next week. These are all supposed to be happy times but I dread them. 

I've gone back to work and quickly realized I need to work part time. I work as a RN and taking care of people is not what I want to be doing. I put in everything I had to help damon and wasnt able to keep him alive.

So my question is , does this get better? Or am I going to feel like I'm just existing for the rest of my life? 

Sorry for this being so long..just need some encouragement.

@virgo has does it feel to be back at work? And I am glad you were able to stay home. I definitely felt I needed time but then realized I spent that time crying while my kids were at school. I took off two months and returned last week part time. 

@RyanAmysMom I agree with you..I have a hard time sitting around. But since damon passed two months ago, I now feel like a walking zombie. I want to be my busy old self but I don't know if I will ever feel better.

Hi Gemma,

 I am sorry you are here. I lost my husband almost two months ago. He was 41. I'm still very much trying to navigate through this nightmare. I get up and get outside and walk and read alot on this forum. All of those seem to help. 

And like what was said, you are not alone. Just knowing that has helped me through this darkness. 

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!

@RyanAmysMom I am going through the same thing. My husband passed 7 weeks ago. My oldest turned 18 in February. And its alot to understand. I haven't gotten any benefits yet but I hope they are on the way. I have to call and ask the same questions you have because I could not think of anything to ask when I was there...thanks for the reminder.