Yell120910

I hope this reply is not late, but just so you know that I feel you...

I just revisited the site today. I feel like a prodigal daughter who came back to home after many years...

Grieving has no timeline, and you are not alone.

Tight cyber hug.

Thank you Forgottenwife for sharing. This is really helpful. Cyber hug!

On 5/24/2018 at 6:34 AM, Bunny said:

I’m mad at him for leaving me with this complicated grief. I know he loved me. I know he adored me. But he also treated me like shit sometimes and I’m so mad at him for it because it keeps blocking out all the really good stuff. There was so much good but the piles of shit surrounding it stink up the memories. 

This is really true at the moment. He was a good person and we had many good memories, too. But right now it's hard to let go of the bad memories, and I am too consumed by these that I can hardly recall the good stuff. I know in my heart that I love him that's why I want to let go the negatives and continue loving him.

Thank you so much Bunny. I pray for you, too. 

Thank you sudnlysngl. 

WIDDA is very helpful. Every one can learn from each other. Many of us just read the messages, even without saying anything, we appreciate the sharing and discussion.

Most of the time the members spell out the words for us - exactly the words we needed to hear, know and experience but having a hard time putting the words together. 

Kudos! I am one grateful member here ❤️

Thank you donswife and Trying. Exactly the words and affirmation that I need. Cyber Hug!

For all that I have gone through, one thing I know for sure, that I love the man I married.

I remember the old love we shared.

That Old Love

The poem we tried to write

The exchanges we tried to create

I remember that moment with you

I remember that first hello

When I opened my eyes after a pray ’r

I saw you smiled, sunny and bright

You said hello for the second time

God, I closed my eyes and whispered more

A sculpture-like embrace

We rest as one soul

Like a destiny

In a beautiful journey

The sky is bright

Wind’s embrace, I feel the warm

Oh, that smell of the rain

Sensation I can hardly explain

I long to hold you again

Oh, like a long reverie

One more time

That great old love of mine

To my one great love, Greg

This is our old love beyond time

(Written dated 17th of April, 2018)

I like it, it's beautiful.

I just needed to express this... I am tired being a strong person!

When my husband died, he left me with two beautiful sons (at that time, 2 y.o and 1 y.o.). Looking back I felt like I never really grieved properly because I don't like my children to feel that they're losing me as well. I needed to wake up and smile for them. There were so many things that I needed to decide - motherhood, household, in-laws and work..etc.

But I am tired of being a strong person! 3 years have passed, and I feel like the rebellious side of me is starting to creep in. I don't know the extent of my pain and anger yet after my husband died.

I wanted to throw a fit but I don't think people will understand, or I deem no one will back me up because they will all think that I should have done it 3 years ago.

My families and friends believe that I should have moved on already and done with grieving.

Is this normal after more than 3 years of grieving? I know time will heal, but I think I am a late bloomer

Hi everyone, I am a widow for more than 3 years. My husband died when he was 30 years old. He was treated/rehabilitated for drug dependence, and was clean for almost 6 months before he died.

It has been awhile since my last visit to this forum, but I'm happy I visited the site again.

Although 3 years gone by, I am still angry and bitter by the thought that I married a drug dependent husband (please forgive me if I have offended anyone). Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much, but only after 2 year of marriage that I knew he was suffering from drug dependence. He was never really violent nor hit me, but there were moments that I didn't understand him and we argued a lot. The week I found out his addiction, is the same week he submitted himself to the rehab. He was in rehab when I carried our second child. He relapsed after a year of treatment, and promised to never touch drugs again after his relapsed.

Before my husband died, there were so many things we agreed to talk about to finally move on to healing and give each other's peace and closure (he promised to answer all my questions before that year ends, 2014). But it never happened, he died August 2014.

I am still angry and bitter with so many regrets and questions lingering... Many of our families and friends didn't know he was a drug dependent, and I feel like I have a huge secret to protect and causing me so much pain and stress.

Is any one in this forum experienced the same? I feel like I hate him at some point and that I cannot go out in this world freely

I'd like to share one of my poems to you. I made this when I really want to get drunk but so afraid that I will give out my secret to anyone and regret it when I sober

***

Let me go

Let me go

I don’t want this kind of ego

I don’t want to live heavy

I want to walk free and happy

Let me go

I want to get drunk and let go

I don’t want to hide and worry

How my soul, heart, mind and lips will journey

Let me go

And welcome a new day

The past cannot tie and hold

Let’s dance all night with joy

And embrace freedom confident and bold

Let me go

My love, those sad truth I own

I want to let go

I want this heart to forever love you

The clandestine let be known

Let me go

I want these disquiet and fears

Will forever let me go

(Written 12th of March, 2018)

Jen, my huge cyber ((( HUG ))) to you.

I feel you and I'm sorry you feel stuck and heavy.

Kate,

Thank you for the time of putting it all together.

I just visited this site after a long time -- during the time I thought I am kinda okay. But I needed to come back because I feel so stuck and lonely.

Thanks for the ray of hope.

CYBER HUGS...

Yell

My huge cyber ((( HUG ))) Ruth!

It's been a while since my last visit to this site, and I am feeling the same way. This forum reminds us that we are not alone. I feel you Ruth -- how heavy to carry all the challenges on our shoulders without our love one; the feeling of alone and lonely; and the need to be embraced to give us rest even for a little while...

Again, my HUGS for you dear.

I'm sorry fuchsiasky...

Yes, I think numbness is normal and it's one way for our body to protect us.

My cyber hugs to you.

BIG HUG @Baylee627

Can't hold back my tears...  :'(

I can't help but to recall our last "normal" night together as well...

UUUrrrrrrrggg this ride!

Thank you all guys for your sharing... this is a roller coaster ride after all...

Uurrrggg...  :'(

HUGS to you all

Long 6 months have passed but whenever I think of getting rid of Greg?s things or even to arrange his belongings (letters, pictures, clothes?etc.) will bring certain feeling of ANGER.  I know I cannot be with him anymore and the reality is sinking in, however, I feel angry and irritated by the thought of his loss...

How are you after 6 months?

1. I am grateful to register today in our new "home" because I was out for some time;

2. I have my 2 precious and wonderful boys who fill my heart with gladness 

3. Joined a yoga group that I can go to after work and I love it!  ;D

Hi everyone, thank God I found this forum to release my emotions and thoughts? (this was posted 19th of November 2014)

My husband passed away last 24th of August 2014 at the age of 30. It was a sudden death. I found him in the toilet at 2:30 in the morning lying and without vital signs. We rushed him in the hospital but declared dead on arrival after an hour of revival.

I have two wonderful boys, ages 2 years old and 1 year old. My kids miss their father so much. I know because as a mother, although they do not know how to express their emotions yet, I can feel it. I can feel the longing of my children for their father. That is why I need to wake up and put a smile on my face each day for my 2 boys. I do not want them to feel that they are losing me as well?

I want my kids to be happy, but how can I give them the happiness they need if I am so broken inside?

Greg was very loving to our children. He loved to shower them with his kisses and hugs; unfortunately, they will not remember those things anymore ? they will, someday, forget how their father loved them.

I want to be surrounded with people. However, after the funeral, our friends and some family members are now silent? The people who said they will help me and be with me in this journey are busy already with their own challenges in this cosmic life? All I have are my 2 boys and my beautiful parents who frequently visit us at home?

Greg was my soul mate. I still wish he never died. I miss him every single day. For more than 11 years, he was with me.

I love him so much.

This journey is very painful.

_________________________

Greg 01.27.1984 - 08.24.2014

We had our worst and BEST of times, I'm happy we didn't give up.

Our love was perfect. When my mission on earth is done, see you in heaven!