biscuit

I don't really have much to say except for, I now belong to this particular +1 year group, and I don't like it.

Don't get me wrong. You couldn't pay me to go back to those early months. But still, the reality of knowing you have made it through one year and knowing that you have to keep on doing this year after year is very overwhelming.

The only slight comfort I have is that at least I have this community of those who are simultaneously going through it

Yes, sometimes people's compassion is very surprising.

I had a similar experience when I felt like I was "doing better" and went out with a few friends to a club. However, while separated from my friends I just ended up breaking down outside, but still in a very crowded public place.  I was crouched down leaning against a wall in a short dress just sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

For me it is very embarrassing and humbling at the same time to put all your emotion on display to the world. Especially because everyone is concerned what's wrong (several people asked what did he do?) and then you have to explain why you are loosing it. Buuuttt, there was one woman who chose to stand by me for 10 minutes and just say its okay, while placing her hand on my head and this too restored my faith in humanity. What a kind gesture, to stand by a stranger, in their moment of despair.

Still, I really hate when I break down in public

I'm sorry you didn't get it

Would have loved to root for a widow on reality tv

I'm in my last semester of my Master's program for structural engineering. Being a grad student is hard enough, add being a widow on top, extremely difficult.  The one good thing about my school is they have good counseling resources. The bad thing is my department does not understand anything about grief and continues to put pressures on me to be as academically successful as my other classmates.  Wishing all of you in school luck as well. I think we deserve a badge of honor for even attempting school.

I too am contemplating what to do.

I want to be as prepared as possible to make this day the least unbearable it can be. But, from my experience with grief so far, I know there is just no anticipating the intensity and complexity of emotions.

Some options I'm considering:

1) Throwing a small get together and celebrating Wayne's life with stories and his favorite foods

2) Not doing anything and hiding out from the world

3) Going on vacation

4) Doing a memorial with some symbolic message release

5) Ignoring Wayne, and just focusing on me and trying to get through the day by doing fun activities

6)Taking sleeping pills and sleeping through the day (not really)

None of these options seem really great...

I LOVE humans of new york

But I had never seen the first one, thanks for sharing.

I love the way she was so comfortable with having 2 loves in her life, it is good for people to know that is possible

I definitely understand this.

I'm only 26, and definitely feel like I'm in my 60s even though my life should just be starting.

But honestly, age is just a number.  I mean I've had to do and live through things that some people in their 50s haven't even had to tackle...so yea I dont realy consider myself 26 anymore.

Anyone else experience that their grief is worse right before your period?

Okay...worse might not be the right word, its all bad.

But for me, it seems like right before that time of my month the cranky, unexplicable depressive, and "f the world" aspects of my grief come out the strongest.

Thoughts?

Thank you for sharing.

I'm sure everyone's experience is different, but it is nice to know that one can survive the day.

Even though I am only close to 8 months, it feels like that day is fast approaching, yet also so far away...time is just weird in grief.

Interesting...I have definitely been debating this myself.

My DH had plans to get this tattoo down his back, which I politely said no to cause I didnt want to see a large tattoo over his beautiful back (even though we both already had small tattoos). 

Anyways, after he passed, my first instinct was I gotta get this tattoo he planned on his behalf; especially since the tattoo has alot to do with strength and rebirth which is very applicable to grief.  I have held off so far because of the whole don't make a large change in the first year, but its been almost 8 months now and I am still loving the idea of getting this tattoo, so I definitely think it will be the right decision in 4 months.

I think its wonderful that you have a permanent memory on your body to remember your love. In general, I would say its a person by person decision though.  And also you are completely right, to all those people who judge your decision, f them, they have absolutely no idea of the pain and strength this process takes.  Thanks for sharing, its nice to know how its helped you.

Fuck everyone who has an opinion about where we should be in our grief without having experienced it themselves

Fuck everyone who I see for the first time since Wayne's death who ask me how life is and what am I up to these days? (um..barely surviving and going crazy)

and finally fuck the blissful ignorance of all the happily engaged couples around me who just cant believe how lucky they are and make sure everyone knows it

Wow, that is very accurate.

Although, it doesn't really make it easier, but does kind of show how this is the challenges of life that everyone will face (just some way sooner than others)

1) My new dog, who I am already in a codependent relationship with

2) Having the financial means to be stable, pay bills, and afford unnecessary starbucks drinks & pedicures when I am down

3) My career, and the fact that it still gives me some pleasure

I am so sorry you are having to go through this,and especially without your love, I can only imagine. Prayers and thoughts your way. No one should have to go through so much...especially so young, wishing you strength

Wow, I love it when our spouses still look out from us from the beyond, its just a great reminder of their everlasting love.

I don't think your nuts, I think its sweet.

I mean none of us really know what is beyond, so what is the harm in thinking that your grandmother and your wife might meet and be able to connect over their love for you.

I think it might also depend a little on your relationship with your grandmother and what you feel like sharing with her, but it is all up to you.

As usual, words mean nothing, but I am sorry your grandmother is ill.

I just went to the one in July in San Diego and thought it was a very worthwhile experience. It can be a little overwhelming, at first if you don't know anyone or if you are one of the younger ones. But the greatest part about camp widow for me was going to a place where I could be how I truly felt.  I didn't realize how much I needed this till I was there.  But it was great to be in a place where if you needed to step out because things were too much for you, everyone would understand.  It really just made me feel so much less isolated.  This was only my first time, but I really recommend it. It is of course emotionally intense.  I can go on and on about camp widow.  PM me if you want more details

Hmm....sounds like this is is really an art form

@Trying, maybe I should write up a super condensed version of my story and print it on a card like a script

@Maureen, yes I am realizing slowly that opening up can have its advantages because alot of people have also been through their share of adversity

Man, I really wish we had instructions for widowhood

How you guys skirt around the widow topic?

I'm talking about when you are trying to pretend you are normal and are talking to people and even the smallest topics relate back to your widowhood.

For instance, if someone asks me do I watch Game of thrones, do I give them a long answer, yes I used to but not anymore cause I watched it with my husband and then um, yea,....he died.

Or do I just lie and say no

The thing is im getting awfully tired of actively lying so I can skirt around topics that will eventually lead back to my widowhood state.

On the other hand, it seems pretty intense to bombard someone with the tragicness of your life when you are just making small talk.

I love the fact that you are taking this journey for the two of you. It sounds like an amazing journey to see the beauty of the country. I know panic attacks really suck, hopefully the anxiety will lessen soon, stay strong.

Yea that describes basically all of my weekend nights, not being to keep up with this fake I'm okay persona. So tonight, in fact, I'm at a party, and have separated myself in the corner and have logged on to widda.org because making conversation just takes too much energy, and people just don't get how hard this is

Before my husband died, I had planned on selling it, just cause I thought it was stupid to have a big dress around that I was never going to wear.  But now in my widowhood, I love that I still have it, it serves as a great reminder that I was once happy and its really pretty to look at.  So I'll keep it for now.

Oh definitely the meaning of life.

I just want to know everything, but whether it would help or not would depend on the answer, like I guess if the meaning was nothing, that would not help

Luxury condo or house with a huge yard?

I'm only five months out so I most definitely cannot provide any advice, but I really think you nailed the experience on the head.

It really feels like living day by day, over and over again, with no relief in a way that exhausts you.

So I suppose, in response to your question, that there is some acceptance of this life that needs to happen, but I too have no idea how this is done

I'm too fresh to really reply from my own experience.

But I would just assume that we've all kind of learned that life doesn't work according to plan and that the future is not guaranteed.

So I would say, ask her.  What do you have to loose?