BelongaJ

Ack.  What a blessing and a curse.  I'm sure it's heartwarming to feel the love these people still have for your husband but seeing their grief firsthand must be painful, too. Hopefully the longer you work there, the less it'll feel like "John's department" and more of a place both of you worked at, just at different times. Also hoping that the students will be enough of a distraction to keep you from spiraling down the grief hole.  Good luck. 

I have almost too many to list but here are ones that require boxes of tissues:

Beloved Wife - Natalie Merchant

This Woman's Work - Kate Bush

Bronte - Gotye

This makes me cry almost every time I read it.

The Thing Is by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

Hello.  I'm BelongaJ, also known as BJ.  The name was a joke my husband and I shared.  His name was Jay and one day he joked that something "belonga'd" to him, then announced everything "belonga'd" to him.  I ask if that included me and he emphatically declared I most definitely belonga Jay.

We were together for more than 15 years, married for 10 of those.  He passed away over two years ago and I still am trying to cope with the loss.  The grief comes like a gut punch some days.  Today I was told I got a generous bonus at work but instead of feeling happy I cried because I couldn't share it with him.

I look forward to meeting and chatting with people here.  People who understand (excuse the language) how fucked up our worlds are now.