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On line dating vents and laughs......


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11 hours ago, Virgo said:

I'm comfortable where we're at and going slow. He really dislikes me using the word comfortable. It's become an inside joke between us. I think comfortable is a positive way to describe our relationship, but he thinks it sounds complacent.

 

Comfort was stripped from us when our spouses died. Feeling comfortable again is a wonderful gift. I craved feeling peace and comfort again after the death of Christine.

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Virgo -- good for you!!! Note that it may help for you to tell him you don't know. That is a perfectly legit answer, especially when put into context with the other conversations you've had. And being open to recognizing how the word 'comfortable' makes him feel but explaining as Leadfeather so eloquently put it, that comfort is vital for those who have lost a piece of their heart to death might help.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you. 

 

Thank you to everyone in this thread who helped me when I decided to reenter dating. Thank you for all the stories of bad dates, it was nice to know I was not the only one experiencing them. Thank you to all of those who gave advice when in my pain I was trying to make something permanent out of a relationship that was never going to be what I wanted. This thread and this community helped me get through all of the bad dates and wrong people that are out there and kept me searching.

 

Six months ago I met someone who has become the one. Someone who loves me for who I am and loves my late wife, because she knows that Christine helped me become the man I am. Someone who shares my values. Someone who has walked her own broken and painful path and finds herself ready to love again. Someone I have fallen in love with.

 

A few weeks ago I bought a ring. In a few more weeks, when we have each had a chance to speak individually with our adult sons and daughters we will officially be engaged.

 

I suppose I should move to that other thread now.

 

Matthew

Edited by Leadfeather
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Congratulations, Leadfeather/Matthew!  I'm glad you found your fit.

 

I've been married for three months now.  It's been great!  Kathy is a heck of a woman to have in my corner.  The dog and the cats have settled into a truce, we're making progress on the Too Much Stuff issue, and we have a fighting chance to get my kids off to post-secondary school.  And we met on match.com, so good things can happen!

 

Take care,

Rob T

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Hello. I am brand new to this site. I found it about a month ago when I put my husband in hospice and I realized that this was now my new normal. I found some posts helpful, especially about eating…eating is still hard. My husband passed a little over a month ago. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Christmas was always his thing…tree, outside decorations, cards, holiday parties, and the music. I read some different threads on the forum, but the one that gave me hope (and a lot of laughs and cries) was the one about online dating. Nope, not even interested in anyone new for the foreseeable future, but reading your posts gives me hope that maybe someday…

But what I really wanted to tell all of you on this thread, is that you gave me hope that there is life after losing the love of your life. After reading your posts, I realized I’m not alone. I went to a grief counselor the other day and she offered some advice, but mostly just listened and it didn’t help that she was young and pregnant and just beginning her journey into marriage and family. So I just wanted to say thanks for giving me hope that someday I might find someone, or not and that’s okay, to complete my journey, but it was fun just being with people that faced the same challenge that I just embarking on.

I wish you all peace for the New Year.

Cindy

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22 hours ago, Sillyjerkycat said:

Hello.

Hello Cindy, Thank you for that very lovely opening post.  It does the heart good to know you’ve gotten some comfort here at WIDDA. 

Ive got a hunch that you will do well moving through these horrible early days. 

Peace and comfort to you in 2019

L2F

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  • 2 weeks later...

"It's not you, it's me." I'm beginning to think it's me. My guy and I are still dating, things are going really well. Yet I feel like the closer we get the more I want to shutdown and walk (run!) away. The more we blend our lives the more anxiety I feel. Why can't I just relax and enjoy each day? I need to. Just venting here a bit. 

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Hey, Jen: new things are sometimes difficult to adjust to, even when they aren't that new. Maybe take time to think about your own space: what is it that you want and 1) aren't seeing in this new relationship, 2) are seeing and are surprised by, 3) like and/or love about it, 4) dislike and/or hate about it, 5) are afraid to ask for? Tough questions, yes, but necessary ...

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16 hours ago, Virgo said:

"It's not you, it's me." I'm beginning to think it's me. My guy and I are still dating, things are going really well. Yet I feel like the closer we get the more I want to shutdown and walk (run!) away. The more we blend our lives the more anxiety I feel. Why can't I just relax and enjoy each day? I need to. Just venting here a bit. 

 

Thats funny, I still can shut down and dream about running away the second a button feels pushed the wrong way. I ignore it best I can, until the impulse fades. I remember telling myself in the first year of seeing him ‘Well, I guess I’m doing this now’. It felt... fatalistic? I love the hell out of him- in a detached widow kinda way. 

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13 hours ago, arneal said:

Hey, Jen: new things are sometimes difficult to adjust to, even when they aren't that new. Maybe take time to think about your own space: what is it that you want and 1) aren't seeing in this new relationship, 2) are seeing and are surprised by, 3) like and/or love about it, 4) dislike and/or hate about it, 5) are afraid to ask for? Tough questions, yes, but necessary ...

I have been asking myself a lot of those questions. I think part of this feeling is still letting go of my husband and how I imagined our future would be. I miss him. Maybe a little guilt too. Part of it is also how much my new guy is (pleasantly) surprising me. If you remember, I debated even meeting him for coffee that first time. 

 

My 16yo,  11yo, and  I  dropped by his house tonight on our way home from a girls day out. It still amazes me how well our girls get along. I took a picture of his three daughters and my 11yo sitting in a pile on my 16yo. They have so much fun together. His two sons were visiting with us too. His sons are older, 17 and 16. His daughters are 12, 10, and 8. My daughters are 19, 16, and 11.

 

Edited by Virgo
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5 hours ago, Bunny said:

 

Thats funny, I still can shut down and dream about running away the second a button feels pushed the wrong way. I ignore it best I can, until the impulse fades. I remember telling myself in the first year of seeing him ‘Well, I guess I’m doing this now’. It felt... fatalistic? I love the hell out of him- in a detached widow kinda way. 

This makes sense to me. "Detached widow kinda way." Yes! 

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Virgo -- the guilt that it seems we all feel ... what is that?? My LH was very clear that he wanted me to go on but there are days when I feel weird about it. I mean, I am in this house, in this bed, with a different man than the one I was with when I bought the house ... the truth of it all is that death changes us all, for the good or the bad. The guilt is of course different, depending on our experiences. 

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My husband said, "you're going to make some lucky guy an amazing wife. " I said, "I already do."

 

My current guy, and the two guys I dated before him, all said that I seem guarded. I told them I didn't disagree. "Widow detached " is another way to describe that guarded feeling. I feel like I'm unintentionally pushing guys away.

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