Maybe I am having a pity party

[Needytoo]

Hard to believe it is already the end of October and that I got my ?dream? job.  Maybe the Law of Attraction really does work? If it really does work I should have known when to stop.  As well as my ?dream? job being a support worker at the college I am teaching 4 courses and also doing research.  From being unemployed to being highly searched out sure is a change.  I work all day and night and average 4-5 hours a day of sleep.  My house is a disaster. I try, lord knows I try. 

 

I have noticed a change in myself, which I think is a positive change.  I noticed that the first thing in my mind in the morning isn?t the loss of my husband.  I still think of him a lot through the day but it isn?t the first thing on my mind.  I never thought that would happen. 

 

I have really been practicing being mindful and I think it really has helped me let go of that last bit of anger.  I actually have moments of happiness. 

 

Now for my grumbling and whining and I hope I make sense.  I do really miss ?working? on myself.  I miss my daily dose of yoga and going out with friends. All my time is dedicated to work.  I put in 15 minutes of mediation a day and sometimes read a book but that is all the ?me time? I seem to put in a day.

 

I was starting to feel like I was opening myself up.  I was starting to give and receive which is great since the old me gave more than she received.  But I think I might be slipping and giving more than I am receiving.  To make a long story short I did a very special favor for a student.  A favor which he really didn?t deserve but I opened my mouth before speaking (the old me always did that) and told him I was going to be at the college today doing research so he could work on his project then (all the other students did it during the week).  When I wanted to leave he really gave me attitude.  My rage rose so high inside it scared me.  Wow that raging beast is still inside me.  I got home two hours ago and have done that roller coaster we all hate to be on.  I am feeling lonely and crave human touch and encouragement. Widowhood sucks.

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Yea NT this widowhood roller coaster sucks so much. I hope you find balance in a short period of time.

Hugs.

[Needytoo]

Thanks BH2,hoping the balance returns quickly.

[Jen]

It sucks, and then some. :-\

 

I saw a quote by Mary Shelley (from Frankenstein) that almost scared me by how apropos it was for me. This post reminded me of it: "I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy one, I will indulge in the other."

 

Sometimes I really feel the love. Other times... I could give the Hulk a run for his money.

 

(((HUGS)))