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Lisa
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Welcome Paul, 

I am glad you found this forum. In my early days I read for months before I posted and found it so helpful as well. Mostly to feel like I wasn't crazy. Even now, and it will be six years for me in a couple of days, I am still finding my new normal. I am a strange combination of the girl I once was before I married, the woman I became after married, and a new person who doesn't resemble either of them. Me, myself and I.

 

Peace,

 

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I lost my husband of 18 years almost 7 weeks ago. He died in our living room with hospice. He fought cancer for 10 years. Here I am at 42 a widow. I hate that word by the way. We have a 13 year old son who is doing way better than I am.i feel lost and empty and broken. I dont eat i don't sleep I'm exhausted.i have no motivation to do much either. I go hang out with friends or family but I'm not really present. I still have a hard time sitting in my own living room since he died in there. I know time will ease all these things but the loneliness is the worst. I miss his smile his touch his laugh all of it. Any advise would be appreciated.

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Hey Wanda - my deepest sympathies on the loss of your dear husband. 

 

I know this doesn't help, but what you are experiencing is 'normal' and part of making the switch from wife and caregiver to neither literally overnight. Hang in there as best you can and try to get out and do things. You don't have to enjoy yourself - that will come again sometime. But rather, just try to reconnect with the world even if it is just standing on the sidelines observing.

 

My youngest boys were 9 and 10 when their mother died. It took awhile but both are happy, productive young men now. All my fears did not come to pass - but you wouldn't have been able to convince me of that early on.

 

Best wishes - Mike

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Well said Portside.  I couldn't conceive life improving and early out couldn't comprehend how it possibly could.  Baby steps, drink lots of water and take one day ( or hr/minute) at a time. 

My DH too died in my living room in my house.  It doesn't bother me any more.  It did somewhat early out but for me I felt that was a gift I was able to give him.  He wanted to be home and I made sure that happened.  It wasn't easy but it was the least I could do.

Be gentle with yourself as you tread these troubled waters.

Big gentle hugs to you.

 

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Hi Wanda and welcome. Your story is very close to mine. Same amount of time of marriage, I was 1 year older than you at the time my husband died, and our children were older. Our only daughter just had her baby 2 days before he died, and we almost lost her and the baby too.

But here I am 11.5 years later, still moving forward. 

Take your time with your grief. It is different for each one of us. It is a journey that we have to take to learn how to live without them here in the physical world. It is possible!

Come here as much as you need to, vent , cry, laugh, or whatever you need to , all of us here get it...

(((hugs)))

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Hi Wanda, thanks for sharing.  I can relate to how you are feeling now. I also was a caretaker in different ways for my wife, she had been sick for 12 of our 15 years of marriage, though not the same daily care you dedicated yourself to.  I felt like I was having an out of body experience the first few months, very numb to everything around me, with no motivation, no purpose in life.  It does lessen in intensity and frequency over time.  Spending time with friends and family was helpful to me, even though happiness took me a loooonnnggg time to find even in small ways.  Hang in there.  Hold your son close, give strength to each other when you need it, a hug can help a lot.  I thought my daughter, 12 at the time, was dealing much better than myself as well.  Teenagers are hard to read sometimes and keep more inside than they did when younger so for me it was hard to know if she was spending more time in her room because she was ad, or because she was 12, then 13, now 14.  My daughter needing me was one thing that kept me going, putting one foot in front of the other for the first few months.  Take care

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all.  I'm introducing myself, after having spent a few weeks  just reading other's posts. I'd like to thank those that have shared their experiences and insights, as this forum is the first place I have found where I felt like people understand what I am going through.

 

My husband passed away about 5 months ago, after a sudden illness.  He complained of feelings of indigestion one day and 6 days later he was gone.  I'm now trying to figure out what my new life looks like as a single mom to a 9 year old.  Some days are better than others, but knowing that I need to be there for my daughter gives me the strength I need to keep going. 

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Welcome, br1979,

 

I'm so sorry you lost your beloved husband.  It is so difficult to lose a spouse unexpectedly.  Each of us finds our way through this terrible situation.  Sometimes it feels so unbearable...but we are all still here in spite of all we have been through.  I don't have children, but I understand from others that there is an extra layer of grief for parents who also hold grief for their children.  There are a lot of other parents with younger kids here...perhaps you will feel a connection to someone and can relate to their stories.

 

Post away...we will listen.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Everyone, I just found this site and would like to introduce myself. 

 

A year before my husband passed, his brother called to let us know that during the routine stress test before his knee surgery, his doctor found that he had an enlarged aorta.  His doctor suggested letting other family members know because he could potentially be genetic and that perhaps my husband should get checked out.  We never heeded his advice.  My husband was perfectly healthy, no symptoms whatsoever.  He played competitive racquetball twice a week, he and our soon ran 3 miles every Saturday.  Enter survivor’s guilt.

 

I lost my husband at the age of 45 with 2 kids in February 2017. We had been married for 24 years; our 25th wedding anniversary would have been in December. Ironically, just the night before we were talking about how we thought we would definitely make it to our 50th wedding anniversary since we had married so young. The next morning my husband and our son made breakfast for us girls. I went to get in the shower before we ran some errands. As I was getting out of the shower, our son came to me and said that dad was breathing weird. That day that started out so wonderfully became a very long and devastating day.  I thought we were about to get in the ambulance and rush to the hospital, but, that never happened. Knowing what I know now, he was already gone and nothing could have saved him…not even if I had been with him the moment it happened or if I hadn’t been in the shower. He had an aortic dissection.

 

After my husband passed, our son who was 10 at the time, started feeling like he could die at any moment. I reassured him, but, he is the type of person that needs facts. So, I called the pediatrician to ask what we could do to alleviate his fears. Our pediatrician, aware of what had happened, suggested doing echos on both kids. The echo for our son only validated his fear. Our son also had an enlarged aorta. He is currently monitored every 6 months with an MRI or an echo.  I could kick myself for not having made that cardiology appointment for my husband. But the flip side is, we never would have checked our son. Through doctor’s appointment for our son, I have learned so much information that has actually helped my brother-in law and expedited the scheduling of his open heart surgery that he will be having soon to repair his aorta.

 

So, here I am.  At this point in my journey I can see some silver linings and through all of this we have been fortunate in many ways.

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  • 4 months later...

Hi, introducing myself. I'm 53, my husband's life was taken by an impatient driver, Sept 10th, 2017. He was 55.

He went to work that morning at 6am. Almost 5 hours later, while he was working near the gas pumps at the truck stop he worked at (for 15 and a half years) He was killed.

Three things  happened to make the driver aggrevated.  After the third thing, He pulled away from the pump he was at, at high speed. They determined  that from the short distance of one  set of pumps to the other, he excelerated to 15 miles an hour. 

My husband was working near the next set of pumps. he ran right over my husband  who was stooped down doing something.  There where buckets  and  cones around him to let people know he was there.  Also witnesses say the guy had to sit and wait near where my husband was working for a few minutes before he could get in the gas line.

  It took just over a year to charge him. 1 year, and 10 days.

Of course he pleaded not guilty . Now we have to wait till this October  for him to go to trial.   

Christine 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi I just lost my husband. It’s been a month. He was  sick a long time.  This last year it was crazy hard his breathing just got worse and worse and worse we thought it was just a breathing condition COPD he actually had severe heart failure ultimately died of both. I can’t sleep I don’t want to become addicted to sleeping pills but this is becoming crazy I really can’t sleep. I’m also way below weight. I can’t seem to plan memorial. Good news is I can work my part time job and walk the dog. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

So happy to find this website, Thank you for the ones that put this together, This is a club NO ONE wants to be in. With that being said no one can relate to you other then a widow or widower , 

i met Michael in 1997 and we got married June , 29 , 2001. We were that couple that you wouldn't pair us up in a room but when you got to know us , we were perfect for each other. Truly a fierce couple that madly loved each other. We married knowing that Michael had a 50/50 chance of having the SCA1 gene , his Dad died from at the age of 57. Basically the cerebellum ( back of the brain) does not function and the cells died in that part of the brain it doesn't grow . 

One of the many things about Michael that I love and miss ,miss zest for life. Michael was a true athlete, cyclist , hiker , outsider adventurer, skydiver , swimming ,runner . He respected his body and used it like a well oiled machine. 

We rolled the dice and had a hell of a ride, the onset of SCA1 ( spinocerebellar )ataxia is early 30's . Michael finally had the DNA test and bingo he had the gene . It shook us for a few weeks and we said F*#% it lets live it up , we tried for 10 years to get pregnant . What a blessing in 2011 our Zoe was born . We truly feel that Zoe will be healthy and so blessed to live 10 year to the fullest as a couple. And able to the bes parents and team for our daughter .

Watching your best friend slowly loose his freedom and needing to use a cane at 40 and no longer be able to work or drive . Michael did take care of our Zoe from birth to the age of 3 while I worked 60+hours to make ends meet . As Zoe was getting more independent , Michael was getting more dependent on myself as his caretaker . With being " young and married " we did not qualify for help in the home , insurance denied denied , denied . 

March 15,2018 the wheels came off the bus . Before this date Michael was home and able to function , feed himself and get around with a walker. He had a mania episode from one of his medications that he was one for years, 3 months of hospital and acute rehab , Michael finally came home 6/27/19 . At this point his pneumonia sand swallowing was such a concern , he was a 1: 1. At this point , needed to be assisted for everything , and could not be left alone. Thank goodness I am teachers and had the summer off to care for him . Still no help at home , VNA a few days a week, luckily . My sister paid for Zoe to go camp so she didn't have to watch her Dad decline quickly . 3 ambulance trips to the hospital, the pneumonia was never truly clearing and abrasions were getting worse , was our summer. Sept 1 I brought him into MGH he could stand the ride in finally . Thinking a g tube surgery, but 2 days later on life support for 5 days to help clear the pnueamonia and give his body rest . 10 hours breathing on his own , I got the call he was dying and he prob wouldn't' make it for 30 more minutes. Michael lasted 6 days , in that time Zoe had a birthday , I didn't want him to die on her birthday . Michael didn't either, He died on the 17th @ 12:05 am while I was holding his hand. I never left his side I those 6 days , his heart was so strong , he just turned 46  a month before , heart breaking to watch his fear and to let go . We have NO regrets and feel so lucky to have those feelings and moments I cherish . We both miss him terribly , 6 month and it's starting to feel final . 

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  • 7 months later...

It's been 12 days since the love of my life died. We had been together since we were 12 (now 25). We have two children under the age of 2. I found him when I woke up after a wonderful night of us playing with our youngest. It was one of the few nights we hadn't fought lately, so I'm thankful for that. The coroner estimated he died an hour or less after I went to bed. He had battled addiction years earlier with cocaine and alcohol but after having kids he changed his ways quite a bit. We found our dream home, he had a very good job that he loved, everything was falling in to place. He still used on occasion, but nothing crazy like before. When I found him, there was stuff on the dryer in front of him. From what the sheriff told me, it was used to smoke heroin, and there was heroin on the dryer as well. Never in a million years would I think my husband was using heroin.. he was a healthy weight, money was never missing, he always came right home after work, his friends are all very respectable people, so it was all pretty shocking. He was my best and only friend for the last 12 years, so to say I am insanely lonely would be an understatement. I actually feel worse every day. Physically sick to my stomach. Can't breathe. Freezing cold all the time. It's like I died with him. I know at least a piece of me did.

 

I'm trying very hard to be okay for the kids. They're kind of too little to understand. My oldest will be two next February and he asks for daddy a lot, which is really hard. 

 

I self harmed and had very low self esteem when I was younger. My husband was the only one who understood me and made me feel beautiful and showed me how amazing life can be. Now that he's gone, I'm just repeating his words in my head, but it's not the same. He told me how beautiful and perfect I was every single day. He told me how much he loved me every single day. 

 

I'm not suicidal, but I want to die. I just want to be with him. No one understands me but him. I am so alone. I just don't know what to do. I can't see how I am supposed to live without him.

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Oh BillieAustin, I am so very sorry for your tremendous loss.  Your post brings tears to my eyes as I remember those heartbreaking early days.  It has been over 12 years since I lost my dear husband, and although I don't come on this site often, I felt I needed to respond to let you know you're not alone.  Although my husband was terminally ill for many years, nothing could prepare me for dealing with his loss after he passed.  Those early days and months were definitely very raw and when you've lost your husband suddenly, as you did, I imagine you're in a state of shock and disbelief.  Please take each day one day at a time, stay hydrated, try to eat something...anything, but healthy foods will help, breathe deeply if you can, sleep when you can and hold on to those precious babies...…..they need their sweet mama.  I just took shallow breaths for so long, that it hurt to breathe, until I forces myself to really breathe again.  It will take quite a bit of time, but eventually things become more manageable.  For me, the key was to surround myself with people that cared, even if they didn't completely understand.  Also, I went to a grief support group, which help but would have been too difficult for me in the very early days.  That and/or grief counseling can be very beneficial.  Although I still can get teary eyed when I reminisce, my tears now are more happy and grateful tears for having had my wonderful husband in my life.  Even though it's hard to imagine now, things will get better but it will take some time.  Please remember to be kind to yourself.  Sending you virtual hugs and support.

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  • 10 months later...

Hello, everyone.  It's been a little over three weeks since my husband died unexpectedly from a massive and sudden heart attack.  He was 62.  This was not a first marriage for either of us but when we found each other 15 years ago, we both fell instantly in love.  I mean instantly.  We were not opposites - we were like a male and female version of the very same person.  We literally never argued - we might get irritated with the other occasionally but it was like "surface irritation" and passed quickly.  He was such a joyful person and so full of life and laughter.  I miss him so much it's hard to breathe.  I never expected to have such a love in my life but I did and now he's gone.

 

It's hard for me to believe that he is simply GONE FROM THIS EARTH.  He died out of state, on a work assignment, driving in to work.  Thankfully though he had the heart attack when he was driving, he didn't wreck his truck - he just sort of veered slowly off the highway onto the side of the road and gently crashed into a fence and stopped - his airbags didn't even deploy.  But the way I found out was so terrible - I mean, it's godawful news in any manner but the way it was delivered to me made it worse.  My sweet husband and I had just talked the night before and he was so alive and interested in work and what he'd be doing the next day and all of that.  The last thing we said to each other was "I love you," because that's how we ended all our phone calls.  Anyway, so the next morning I was texting him because Hurricane Laura was supposedly coming in and he didn't respond, which wasn't unusual since he would usually text me back later in the day or call me when he had a chance.  But instead of hearing from him, a deputy came to my door and told me that there had been a fatal accident and he was sorry for my loss.  He didn't say "Your husband is dead."  He didn't say "This is what happened," or "This is the type of accident that happened," or anything like that.  It took me two more hours to find out that an ACCIDENT didn't kill my husband - a heart attack did.    I still can't believe he's gone.  

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  • 3 years later...
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