5 months and cycling back through

[Dragonfly]

It's been 5 months since I lost my husband and best friend and all of a sudden the feelings and sadness and pain and not bring able to deal with it all are raging.  For so long I have been holding together and managing. Now I feel like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. I am sad and can't manage.  the happy face. This sucks. I feel like I am doing crappy at evwrything.

[Julester3]

I recall this happening to me. I've just reached a year myself. I identify this phase as active processing because you are still continually processing and trying to comprehend the situation mentally. I often found my heart and brain confusing one another. In my head, I understood what was happening. The heart attack happened and he didn't make it. But, my heart wouldn't sync with my head because you don't stop loving your spouse when they die. The physical connection you had to them is what is severed so we're sort of lost - connected to something that no longer exists.

 

We depend greatly on what coping skills work but then you sort of hit a wall at some point. Acceptance is so hard. I didn't want to accept my husband was dead and never ever coming back. I'd wake up confused many times. Was it a dream? I got a tattoo to help me move forward to remind myself of him and what my reality truly is. The mind can play tricks on you when you get sleep deprived and emotional.

 

You may not think so but I think you are doing the best you can and it's okay. You don't always have to hold it together, you can let go and have these not so stellar moments. I get triggered randomly still (a thought, a song, a phrase, etc.) and sometimes you need to succumb to the sadness to feel better. You are human and now and then you have to let these moments have their way with you so you can take a deep breathe and try again for a better tomorrow. As I always tell my kids, it never has to be perfect, just a little bit better. Hugs!

[MR]

Hi Dragonfly,

It will happen some weeks will be much tougher than others. Some days I am normal but other days cry like as I did in 2nd month. So just move forward with flow, If you feel like crying nothing wrong with it. Few minutes back I was with MIL and she was crying on phone and I was telling her I think my tears have dried and then while going in underground parking I was crying so emotions are a difficult thing for us to handle.

 

Hugs

Manoj